Cultivating Youth Subsistence
by Rosette-Cullen
Summary: Going through the high school social system is not just looking for a gentle curvature. Friend's change, and relationships blossom and wilt all in a matter of seconds. AH, AU, OOC. Mature fic, lemons galore, and intimate story line.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my new story. I wrote this during my 'Sexually Frustrated' era of Stoically Stitched. I loved the story, but there were so many things I wanted to do. It was a serious story and my baby. This story is AU, AH, and _definitely_ OOC.**

**My bestfriend, Damien, and I had a long e-mail and noted conversation and we came up with this. He helped me with the chapters, but the writing is all mine.**

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**Cultivating Youth Subsistence**

* * *

I sat at home once again, my cell phone in my hand, awaiting a call I knew wouldn't come. I couldn't force myself to act normal now; it wasn't even worth a try. My father wouldn't notice, but my mother certainly would. My mother picked up my every emotion, whether I wanted it or not. It's not that I didn't appreciate the heart-to-hearts, but after a while they became repetitive and boring.

I sat in my small room on the burgundy and black loveseat that we had salvaged from a junkyard not long ago. The cushions sometimes pushed the smell of rotten garbage out, but it was nothing that Febreze couldn't handle. I pushed my pathetic form the nauseating couch and looked out the window again, just hoping that he would pop through unannounced like he always did.

The one time he had been caught was not good. My father nearly choked on rage when he found us sleeping in the same bed, with heavy jackets and flannels on. My mother was used to it by now. I could tell she knew he came in the middle of the night. We really couldn't be away from each other for that long, and I think we both found it was easier to sleep with the other's presence.

My stomach rolled at the thought of him being in bed with another girl. I knew he wouldn't stay, that wasn't like him. It hurt, though, to think that he would be giving himself, no matter how feral the act was, to someone else. His reputation didn't appease the people of Fork's, but no one did anything to stop it. All the girls were attracted to him because of his 'mysterious' valor. Anyone who knew him for more than a day, or took the time to really talk with him would know that he was just a teenage boy.

The picture on my desk was glaring at me, and I hated that I was so dependent on him. I hated that I couldn't be by his side all the time like we used to be. We never separated, and I could remember clearly the time we had taken my father's, Charlie, handcuffs from his belt. He swallowed the key and said that we'd be together for the rest of our live. Well, that didn't work out in accordance. Eventually my parents took us to the infirmary and had his father monitor his stool for the key. And because I was attached, I got to witness the sight of my best friend taking a dump.

Ever since middle school he seemed to pull himself more than I did. I thought our friendship was becoming kaput, but in seventh grade, after I cried all night about him going to high school and me having to spend a year alone, he did the most heart-felt thing I'd ever seen him do. Tears quickly formed in my eyes as I remembered the day so clearly. He's snuck in and found me sniffling, and after a thorough interrogation, I relayed everything to him.

He was pensive for a couple days; he was usually like that when he was having an internal battle. I didn't push him to speak, because it was an unspoken agreement that we each shared a mind and that the other couldn't keep a secret, it was impossible. His grades steadily declined, and his parent became angrier at him. Even through the punishments, at the end of the year he had failed Social Studies and Science.

On seventh grade graduation day, he showed me the diploma for failing his grade with a huge grin. When I asked him why he was so happy about it, he laughed and responded like I was the most inept person in the world. "Because, now we get to spend another year together!" I didn't remember the rest of graduation, because I skipped it to go off with him.

And somewhere along those lines he became more mature and more social. Well, social wouldn't be the correct term, but he was always with someone, whether it was me, or some girl. I knew I couldn't keep Edward for my own, but as best friends we had our own bond. It was like a family tie, that we understood each other better than anyone else.

With a sigh, I closed the window and crawled back into bed, leaving it unlocked just in case. I had a feeling he wouldn't be coming tonight, and though it unsettled me, I wouldn't hold it against him. Our lives were becoming more and more distant each day. I pushed everything away and shut my eyes, tuning the world out and breathing quickly so I could only hear my short breaths. I'd force myself to sleep tonight. When I got lightheaded, I stopped and my body went limp. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I hadn't done it in a while. I had to face school tomorrow, and whatever Edward had done tonight would most likely fall on my shoulders.

* * *

"'Morning, princess!" an over friendly voice called from my driveway. I pushed my bag over my shoulder and walked towards the Volvo parked next to my red Chevy truck. The Volvo had become more beat up throughout the years he had it, even before he had gotten his license.

I slid into the passenger side and grunted while taking a bite of the apple I had for breakfast. Edward didn't start the car, but he looked at me. My eyes went to those vibrant emerald orbs stuck in his head and raised my eyebrows. "What?"

"No 'good morning sunshine!' or witty remark?" he looked amazed by the fact that I wasn't speaking with him.

"I'm tired," I sighed. He must have seen the circles under my eyes because he didn't press the issue further. With a twist of his keys the Volvo's engine started and he began to race through the streets of Fork's.

"Did you do the biology?" he asked.

"Yep, what about you? You've been putting it off 'til tomorrow for days." He grinned at me and the reached across me to the glove compartment to take out a thick stack of papers. "No way,"

"Yes way, I worked all night on it, and it's triple A plus material, Belly Bella." I grimaced and snatched away the papers from his hands. A part of me was relieved; my worrying had been for nothing. He wasn't with anyone; he was just working on his homework. I flipped through the pages and found that he really had worked on it.

"How late did you stay up?" I asked when I started to read through it.

"I didn't go to sleep. I know I'll crash in a couple hours, but I've been drinking straight black coffee since dawn." He seemed a bit jittery, and I didn't doubt the affects of the caffeine on him. I, on the other hand, was not one to mess with the powers of coffee unless it was necessary.

"I could have helped you, I've already had mine done since last week." I scolded him. He had a math test last period.

"There would be no way either of us would have done anything. We'd end up playing Duck Hunt again, which I always kick your ass at. And 'sides, I got it done on my own." That's right; he's not as dependent anymore.

I tried to humour his conversation, but the sinking in my stomach was unnerving and unwelcome. When he asked, I just said I had a stomach ache, and of course he knew I was lying, but he gave me the space I needed. It was the simplicity of our friendship that made everything so much better than everyone else's. We didn't have to voice our feelings; we could sense what the other was feeling.

We pulled into the high school, and he parked in his regular spot, next to an older, but still sleek BMW. I rolled my eyes as I saw Rosalie still inside applying lip-gloss to her over done lips. Edward looked at me and grinned before we both leaned in to press the horn on his car. Rosalie jumped and we saw the coloured gloss stain across her cheek. We were both laughing by the time she glared at us and ran back inside the building. We were falling over each other by the time the light drizzle that had been picking up through the morning turned into rain.

With a huff I pulled myself up and out of the car and turned on my heel. The sky was black and there was thunder in the distance, some schools would shut down, but not Fork's high. The staff had invested in a generator that had kept the droll classes going until the power was sustained. Edward was beside me in an instant while we pulled the hoods up on our coats – better said his coats.

"See 'ya third period," he called as he began to walk towards building five. I made my way to the third and the horrid Spanish class that awaited me.

My sopping jacket hung with the other relatively dry ones, and I chuckled as I noticed one pink one in particular under mine. I saw Alice in the back and immediately made my way to her. Alice Brandon had been one of the few people who I had actually befriended in high school. She went the right way by hanging out with both Edward and I, and her personality instantly won us over.

"Morning, Bella!" she sang. I walked over carefully, trying not to let another 'accident' happen. The class was loud and uncontrollable by the time the teacher walked in, screaming something in Spanish that I roughly translated to 'sit down and shut up'.

I hated this class just as any in my schedule. I needed the credit and I was great at the language, but the class was something I never looked forward to. The class male population seemed to stop in their tracks when a curvaceous blonde entered the room and Alice snickered behind her hand. Rosalie glared at me and took a set beside me in the back.

"What the hell was that this morning?" she growled. I tried to hide my smile, but I grinned at her.

"I just wanted to see if you could start a new trend is all." Rosalie wiped absently-mindedly at her right cheek before she pinched my arm and I squeaked. The attention in the room was turned to me and I blushed scarlet before shuffling my foot at Rosalie's flip-flop clad shoe.

"Whatever, we both know I could start a trend wearing a potato sack."

"I'd do the tailoring," Alice interjected with her usual enthusiasm. I'd never caught onto their fashion racked obsession, I thought it was tedious and a waste of time. I liked to be pretty – what girl didn't? – but I found it a waste of time to get dolled up when I had no one to look at me.

The class started and I stared out the window closest to me. Alice used to be bothered with me staring right over her head, but I did it so often she barely registered it anymore. The rain was coming down hard, and the thunder and lightning in the distance seemed to reflect my mood. I wasn't sure why I felt so nauseated, I was relieved, though. I didn't like it when I didn't know what was wrong with me; it seemed to happen a lot, too. I would become depressed or irritated, nothing irrational like a temper-tantrum, just being quiet.

The bell rang and I jumped from my seat ready to move on to American Lit. Alice and Rosalie waited behind me, talking about some party that was going on this weekend. Knowing them, it would be just another excuse to make me look like a proper lady in front of my fellow peers. I sighed at the thought of being in Alice's bathroom while she yelled at me to hold still for hours. That was my mistake completely, because as soon as I took my mind from where I was going, I felt something underneath my foot and I fell onto the floor.

"Careful where you're going, swan." I closed my eyes tightly, willing the shrill voice and the nasally voice to leave me alone or be gone for good. I opened my eyes again and saw the perfectly manicured toenails in front of me and knew the Genie didn't hear my desire.

Two sets of arms wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me up. Alice and Rosalie stood by my side and put their hands on their hips when I was up on my own. Lauren flipped her blonde hair that was a little shorter than Rosalie's over her shoulder and snickered.

"I was just going to ask you Edward's cell number, he left my house before I could get him." She smirked and I tried to brush it off.

"At least he didn't blow you off in your face." I said with nonchalance. Though I hated it, Edward was good at getting out of tight situations. She cocked her head to the side, obviously not getting it.

"Oh, believe me Bella; he'll _definitely_ want to see my face again." Jessica giggle beside Lauren and glared at me again.

This was the difficult thing, I wasn't sure if they would act the same towards me if I wasn't friends with Edward. I was usually the target for his antics, whenever someone had something against him, they would go for me. They acted like I was his Achilles heel, but I never complained. Truth be told, I'd do anything for Edward.

"I think it got flushed down the toilet." I muttered before stepping around them and out of the class room. I was honestly in no mood for English, the one class I enjoyed more than any other. I was the last one to arrive in class, and I received a complementary scowl from Mr. Mason before he began the lecture on Shakespearian culture. We'd been working on this topic for weeks, and I'd begun to think it was the only thing he was trained in.

I enjoyed the books, they had substance, and I didn't mind that they weren't all like todays gooey drabble. I was most looking forward to the Poe section; I'd like to see him explain to the class that most of his famous poems were the effect of drugs, mainly heroin. I laughed quietly to myself; at least most of the kids here could relate, with the drugs bit, not anything remotely intelligent beside the emotionally-overplayed sadistic and masochistic 'poetry' of today.

I had my inner monologue discussing the idealistic differences between Shakespeare, Poe, and Faulkner all through the Hamlet discussion. I'd heard enough about it from a crock who pronounced Macbeth wrong.

I met with Edward outside of my class room and he grinned at me while we made our way to American History. He had a stupid grin on his face the entire trip to the class room, and by the time we sat down I thought his face was going to crack in half.

"Okay, what's up with you?" I asked while he had a sly look break over his face.

"Can you catch a ride home with Alice?" I pursed my lips and he continued, not letting me answer him. "I'm going somewhere after school with Emmett."

"What are you doing?" I asked in a hard voice, I knew him too well to think he was just going to hangout.

"You'll see in good time." I didn't have time to reply before Mr. Barnes walked in and started handing out tests and quizzes. I'd find out in good time.

* * *

"Rose, I think there's something on your cheek." Edward stated in a deadly serious voice. I broke out laughing while Alice, Jasper and Emmett looked confused, and Rosalie glared at me.

"I don't know, I think Bella's always got something on her cheeks. Especially when Edward whispers in her ear." I stopped dead and looked at Rosalie in disgust, though Edward leaned in and blew his hot breath across my neck.

"Does she mean like this?" he breathed. I shuddered and felt a blush come into place while everyone laughed at my expense.

"I'll get you back, Rosalie Hale." I muttered. She continued to laugh harder while I poked at the pasta on my plate until it died down.

"Okay, okay, enough blushing Bella." Emmett intervened. "Mike Newton's party is next weekend, and even though the guy's a little toad, we have to go."

"Why?" Jasper asked the question that was hanging silent in the air.

"His parents are out of town, his older brother just turned twenty one, and he's doing invitation only." Emmett looked peeved as he listed off the last one.

"Okay, you always get invited to parties, though." I stated the obvious while Rosalie giggled behind her hair.

"He's not giving me one." I arched an eyebrow and Edward chuckled beside me. "I know! I go up to the guy first period and I start talking, you know, hinting that I needed one, and he blows me off!"

Jasper rolled his eyes. "He'll give you one eventually. What's a party without Emmett?"

"Nothing!" Edward and I bellowed at the same time while throwing our arms in the air.

"Damn straight…" he trailed off and grinned. "I need a favour, Bella." His tone had gone to deadly serious in an instant and suddenly everyone was staring at me. Jasper and Alice were whispering to one another, and Rosalie was staring at her tray trying to keep a straight face. They probably all new, and suddenly I was scared for myself.

I swallowed. "What?" I asked hesitantly.

Emmett paused, looked me in the eye, and for a few seconds he was dead quiet. He spoke slowly and annunciated each word like I was an idiot. "Seduce Newton."

To say I balked would be an understatement. I flat out went brain dead for a few moments while I stared at him wide-eyed and open mouthed. I couldn't process what he had just said; my thinking functions were dead the moment he said 'seduce'. I coughed and tried to straighten my face, but the shock might never be washed off. I looked at Edward, who was staring at the ceiling, trying not to attract my attention, and then back to Emmett. He had a business man look on his face.

"Excuse me?" I whispered.

"I win!" Jasper shouted, interrupting the quiet that had fallen over our table.

"I thought for sure she was going to flip out." Alice muttered. Great, my friends were betting on my reaction to seducing a slimy, horny, teenage toad.

"Well, maybe seduce would be a bit too much, but you know, flirt with him." Edward started laughing beside me, and I punched him in the ribs.

"Bella can't flirt!" he choked out. "In third grade someone asked to take her out. She came home screaming about how the guy was going to kill her!" I grimaced at the memory, one which no one knew about until that moment. Rosalie and Alice were trying to hold in their laughter, but Emmett was still scary serious.

"Look, I'm not asking you to sleep with the guy. He's always coming up to you, I'm sure he's going to give you an invite; he's probably just waiting so we don't follow up. Just flirt with him, Edward can teach you, he's got slutty girls flirting with him all the time"

I turned to Edward and glared at him. "Defend my honour, _best friend_." I hissed at him. He slid down a little and smiled at me.

"Please?" he pouted a little and I pushed him to make him stop. I hated it when he acted like a kid in a candy shop. "He's not even here anymore, you can do it in biology tomorrow, I'll be right next to you anyway."

I glared at Edward, and he glared right back. Neither one of us would back down, I could see he wanted to go, and he could see I didn't want to be the one to get everybody invites. His green eyes were piercing, and I knew I wouldn't win, my fate was sealed. I glared a little longer before I stuck my tongue out in a mature manner and stabbed a green bean on my plate.

"You all suck," I muttered.

"It's not that difficult, just use your virgin persuasion." I blushed and my hair covered my face. It really blew that I was the only virgin out of us all, and no one seemed to let me forget it. Alice would occasionally tell me it was okay, that I should wait and save it, but I sometimes wished I didn't have to deal with the teasing of my chastity.

"Leave her virginity alone." Edward defended, it was a joke, but at the same time, everyone seemed to know it was the moment to drop the conversation. I smiled and moved my hair back. Maybe we weren't as distant as I thought.

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**A/N: I'm really excited to finally post this story. It's a more mature story, but I'm glad to write something that's got some more meaning, that people can relate better. This story is about the teenage life. I've seen a lot of people hurt each other at my school. I notice a lot of kids at my school don't even _realize_ the stuff they pull.**

**Anyway, Edward is way OOC because I somehow manipulated his personality around my best friend's. But, Edward reminds me of Damien in a sense, he's supportive, protective, and all that jazz.**

**So what do you think about this so far?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you all for your _amazing_ reviews. They're so insightful, and some just made me laugh. You guys are so awesome. This is from EPOV and the POV's will only be switched between Edward and Bella, so no worries.**

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"Stop squirming like a pussy." Emmett ordered me. I continued to move uncomfortably in my seat as he drove me back to my house. He seemed less affronted than I was. I glared at him and continued to move about until I could find a comfortable position.

"When does it stop hurting?" I asked him. He chuckled and looked at me out of the corner of his eye.

"Give it a couple days. Don't forget the gel to put on it. I ignored it my first time, I broke out in a rash all over." I grimaced and played with the tube in my pocket. "But come on, Edward. What a girly spot to get it!" I sighed and zoned out while he continued to poke at my testosterone.

I looked into the night lights that went by and brushed back my hair. My thoughts went to Bella and how unnaturally quiet she'd been. I was looking too much into it, though. She had bags under her eyes, she was just tired. But then I began to wonder why she was tired. Had she been up doing something? Homework maybe? No, she was smart, but she never did homework to unreasonable hours. She couldn't keep a secret, and if I asked her I would know if she was lying or not. I was letting myself get too far into it.

"Hey! Are you listening to me?" Emmett's boisterous voice broke me from my thoughts and I replied with a brilliant hum. "You want me to drop you off at your place or Bella's?"

"Mine, I need my car so I'm not stranded." I answered quickly. When I looked up I noticed we were in my driveway. "I didn't have a choice, did I?"

"Nope," Emmett replied with a grin. I shook my head and opened the car door while grabbing my bag. Emmett made a move to pat me on the back, I hissed at the idea.

"Don't you dare," I slammed the door and threw my bag into the trunk of my Volvo and left before my parents could see I was home. They would assume I was at Bella's anyway, they didn't need to pick up on why I was acting different. I flinched at the thought of my mother finding out.

I didn't dare lean back in my seat, so instead I looked like a studious and vigilant driver… or some dick with a back problem. The drive seemed long and I was kind of scared of going to see Bella. I didn't know why, she'd accept me no matter what; we'd always been like that. No matter what the other did, we were always there for the other, no questions asked because we would always spill to each other. It seemed like we were slowly drifting.

Bella was always concentrated on her grades, especially math, whereas, even though I barely tried, I always got my grades up when need be. It was unfair, really, but if it wasn't like that we wouldn't be in the some of the same classes. We'd always been together since we were kids; we'd sworn high school wasn't going to be any different. And yet I couldn't help but feel that it was. She was a lot quieter, even with Alice around. Rosalie was a friend of ours, but Alice had been kind to us both in the beginning, where Rosalie came with the package of befriending Emmett.

I knew most of our problematic issues were because of me. It was obvious that I was the cause of all our squabbles – what few we had. We had out differences and separate personalities, though. I didn't want to admit it, because in truth, I like that we were so much the same, she had all my good qualities that were obscured by my bad, and I hers'.

I pulled off down the dirt road until I was parked across the street, two houses down. The last thing I wanted was for Charlie to find us in her room alone again, even if it was victimless crime.

I walked up the rain slicked road and crossed the street. The house was mostly dark; Bella's room was the only one with a source of light – her desk lamp. I put my hood up and zipped my hoodie up to my neck. If I got caught there's no way in hell I wasn't going to fight to convince it wasn't me.

I sighed and climbed up the side of the house, slowly grabbing onto the wet protrusions of the old house. I arched my back and hissed as I got on all fours on the porch roof. I could tell by the way my ass stuck out I looked like a porn star in a bad film. Pulling myself up, I walked over to the edge of the roof and walked the short length that led right under Bella's window.

Her window came about mid-chest and I hoisted myself up to sit on the windowsill. I was trying to ignore the throbbing and knocked on the glass. Bella looked up from her computer and smiled. She didn't even flinch as she saw me at her window. Unlocking the latch, she pulled up the window silently.

"Why are you wrapped up like a nun?" she whispered.

"I was intending to run for it if Charlie caught me." I whispered back. I pulled off my jacket and put it on the old rocking chair in the corner before slipping off my shoes and moving to her bed. "What're you working on?"

"Something for English," she shrugged. "We're doing the Shakespearian unit again."

"That guy's a joke. I could teach better than that! Let me educate those brainless nitwits on Poe, and I'll give them something to ponder for a while. That guy's got loads of questions and mathematical solvents." I rambled on absentmindedly and closed my eyes while lying on my stomach, listening to Bella's synchronized typing.

"You sleeping?" she whispered suddenly close to me. I opened one eye to see her on the floor beside me. She sat on my other side and played with my hair while I rested.

"Not yet," I mumbled. "And are you wearing my pants again?"

"What's this?" she asked abruptly. I turned my head to the right and noticed her eyes were on my lower back. Fuck.

"S'nothing," I mumbled while swallowing hard. She kneeled beside me and lifted my shirt up while I turned and grabbed her hands.

"It's got a bandage on it." She growled. "Is this what you did after school?"

"Um…" I swallowed again, suddenly regretful. "Y-yeah, it's no big deal. Thought you might wanna see it?" I was nervous while she glared at me. We both knew I wasn't very protective of myself, and I could tell she was curious as to what I'd done.

"Let me see it," she calmed a bit, but crossed her arms and her legs. I sighed and pulled my shirt over my head. It landed on the floor and she took in the bandage on my back as I turned.

"I'm not supposed to take it off for thirty six hours you know." I tried my last resort as a coward.

"Show me, Edward Anthony Cullen, now." Her voice was hard and I gently pulled the bandage off with a hiss. It hurt like a bitch. She gasped as she took in tattoo and the room fell silent.

"So…" I trailed off, trying to coax a sound from her. She shifted and I felt her fingers run over the skin around it. At least she wasn't trying to touch it like Emmett had.

"What is this supposed to be?" she asked with confusion. I turned around and looked at her incredulously. She raised her eyebrows and shrugged, telling me she really didn't know.

"You don't remember this at all?" I asked her like a parent trying to get answers from a child. She shrugged again and I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Freshman year, fifth art class that we had together." Her brow shot up and she jumped.

"I remember!" she yelled. I put a hand over her mouth and shushed her while we both waited to hear anything from the room down the hall. Of course her parents could sleep through anything; it was something we'd learn to take heed to.

"You need to keep quiet," I chastised playfully.

"Why?" she asked once my hand was from her mouth.

"Because your dad is a cop and has a gun." I stated.

"No, why did you get that?" she touched my side and I turned so she could see it again.

"Don't you remember? We'd all been working on our small designs to put on our piece of pottery. It took everyone two classes to get it done, but every time you made something it wasn't up to par. You stayed up for three night's straight working on every line and detail. And when you showed me it for the first time, do you recollect what I told you?"

"'That's something I'd get for a tattoo,'" she muttered. "I didn't think you were serious!" she groaned while lying on her back.

"You don't like it?" I asked with a sullen tone, she peeped through her fingers and was instantly contrite.

"No, no! I do, Edward, it's just so strange. To think that something I made is on your body… for… forever. It's really… honouring." she smiled at me and I sunk back onto her bed, relieved. "Thank you so much Edward. I didn't take you for a skull-and-crossbones kind of guy. And especially not on your lower back." She teased.

"Emmett said that, too." I mumbled as I felt her fingers trace soothing lines up and down my back. I enjoyed her skin on mine more than any other feeling in the world. I was the only one she gave back massages to, and I liked that.

"Why are you smiling?"

"It feels good," I sighed and sank further back into the mattress. She giggled before she stiffened and went upright. "What?"

"I ran into Lauren today," I groaned. "She was annoying as always." I could imagine Bella rolling her eyes.

"What'd she say?" I rolled to my side and leaned on an elbow. Bella moved from my side and stood up.

She pulled her shirt down to reveal more of her full bust, and rolled up the waist of my shorts to look more like panties. Flipping her hair and putting on a creepy smile, she leaned into me. "I just wanted to ask you for Edward's cell," her voice was nasally and high pitched while she curled a strand of hair around her finger. "He left my house before I could pounce and get another line of communication to shamefully flirt and flaunt my tiny ass."

I grimaced and laughed at the same time. She was doing the 'slut strut' as we had named it and laughing. She leaned down and I couldn't resist. "Bend down further." She leaned down and I got a straight shot at her cleavage. I appraised it gratefully with my eyes before she jerked back and covered her chest with her arms.

"Edward!" she hissed silently.

"What? It's harmless fun," I grinned lopsidedly at her before she rolled her eyes and fixed her clothes. I could tell I was forgiven, because she crawled into my waiting arms, both of us prepared to let the exhaustion of the day pull us into sleep.

--

The morning had passed uneventfully. I got out of Bella's house before her father was, up, and managed to get ready at mine without waking my parents. School had passed like normal, Bella and I met with everyone at lunch, and Emmett was fired up with showing everyone his new ink. He'd obviously broken a rule by not wearing the bandaging, while I was not as willing.

"Fucking Newton," he growled when he slammed his tray down on the table. "I'm like the most talked about guy in school now, and he still won't give me an invitation. What the hell is wrong with him?"

"Maybe he doesn't want the cops called on him, or anything broken or set on fire… like the last ones." Jasper reasoned. Emmett was too far gone in scheming to even bother with reason. When he set his mind to something, he got it done.

"Bella," he was suddenly tense. "I'm depending on you. I need this, please, just do it."

"I really don't know what to do- and I can't flirt with mike… I just can't." she was pleading with him now. I could tell she didn't want this at all, neither did I to be honest. It was because of Emmett and his parties that I had gotten stuck with Lauren because of Tyler Crowley's party.

"Didn't Edward help you?" Emmett glared at me, taking my innocent expression in and then turning to Bella. "Rosalie! Tramp this girl up!" he ordered with a snap of his fingers.

"Yeah!" Alice and Rosalie were both on their feet and Bella was clinging to my side, her arms wrapped around my waist. Her forearm made contact with my back and it arched while I howled into the air.

"That was a sexy pose, Edward, but I'm afraid you didn't seduce me into submission." Emmett stated while the two girls came to pry Bella from my side.

"I'll see you in bio, just listen to what they say and we can de-tramp you when the day's done." She grimaced, but had no time to argue before Alice pushed her through the cafeteria and across the hall to the ladies room.

"Ten says she doesn't go through with it." Jasper suddenly spoke, breaking the silence that had enveloped us.

"Twenty says she will." Emmett piped in while taking his wallet out.

"Fifty says she gets invitations, and gives him a hard-on." I called, trumping them both. Jasper and Emmett looked at each other and grinned. They took out their cash and counted before they decided to split the sum if I won. There's no way I'd be paying them anything, so I'd have to win. "Can you skip next period? You'll probably need to witness it."

"Yeah, I've got an oceanography test to make up with Banner sometime within the week. I can skip math, just a sub anyway." Jasper was nodding while Emmett did the same, not really caring what class he was missing, and I somehow doubted Mr. Banner would care if he was there.

The bell rang, shrill and sudden, and the high school students were herded like lambs to the slaughter to their classes. The three of us walked down the hall, stopping outside the ladies room while Emmett banged loudly five times. The door peeped open and Rosalie's head stuck, with Alice's beneath.

"Gentlemen, may we introduce you to Slutty-fied-Bella!"

"Nuh-uh!" I heard from the bathroom. I chuckled quietly when the girls disappeared and pushed Bella out into the hallway.

I wasn't sure how, but they had completely changed her. Her jeans turned into cut-off shorts, and she was wearing a third-quarter sleeved shirt, that had a v-neck dipping very low. My eyes fell to her chest, where they had definitely done something to pump it up. I let out a low whistle to shift the stiffy I was sporting.

"Edward!" she screamed. Her cheeks flustered a dark red, and I noticed that they applied no make-up, just lip-gloss and done her hair into a sexy main. Best sex hair I'd ever seen.

"What? It's not every day that I get to you see you like… this." I gestured my hands up and down her body while she glared with embarrassment. "Mike doesn't stand a chance." I grinned while my arm wrapped around her shoulders. Alice and Rosalie went their separate ways while the guys followed me and Bella.

When we entered the class, it went silent. Bella clenched her fist on my jacket, and then pushed herself behind me. Typical. She was shy and embarrassed even though she was by far the hottest thing in the room. I pulled her into the hall suddenly; I was not going to lose this bet. I moved my hands up her side, and the grasped the sides of her bra under her armpits.

"Edward, what-" she was cut of by me roughly shaking her chest. She squeaked loudly and smacked my hands away. "What the hell-"

"Go dammit, seduce that guy!" I smacked her ass as I pushed her into the room, sitting in my usual seat. She glared at me, and then took a deep breath before she turned to the ogling leer of Mike Newton. The class had gone quiet, and then loud while Emmett and Jasper were at the front, most likely arranging why they were here.

"Hey, Bella!" Mike greeted with enthusiasm, I looked out of the corner of my eye while pretending to do last minute homework. He didn't seem to notice my existence anyway. His eyes were traveling down from her face to her neck before Bella did an awkward wave and he brought his attention back to her face.

"Hey, Mike," she said a little glumly, but he didn't seem to notice. "How are you?"

"Great, and you? I mean, you look amazing, and you have fine legs." His voice with dripping with drool, like a dog on a leash staring at a steak.

"Um, thanks,"

"No problem, you should wear shorts more often." We both grimaced at that one. "So, um, are you coming to my party this weekend?" his attention wandered while Bella began to talk. His eyes went to her lips.

"Um, I was thinking about it, but I mean, I need a ride, and I want someone I trust…" his eyes strayed to her neck. "I was thinking Edward and I would go, but I want to bring Alice, since we're close and everything…" down to her collar bone. "And of course, she'll want to bring Jasper, they're inseparable…" he trailed the fine line of cleavage. "And you know Jasper, Rosalie and him are always together, those twins are more attached at the hip than some couples…" his eyes nearly popped out of his head as he took in her hardened nipples. Fuck yes!

He shuffled awkwardly in his seat, trying to ignore, or adjust, the straining in his pants. Jasper and Emmett were at the desk across from ours. I gave a smug look before I heard Emmett curse loudly and Jasper glared at the table before smiling and continued on watching. He got an erection thanks to my ingenious nipple hardening, now she had to get the tickets.

"Oh, and Emmett will just have to go if Rosalie goes, so many guys hit on her and something could happen if he's not there to defend her. And what's a party without Emmett anyway?" Bella stopped, took one look at me, and then looked back at Mike before looking over at Emmett and Jasper.

Jasper gunned a pen at Newton's head and he flinched while falling off his chair. Bella sat her crossed arms on the desk to hide her chest. He sat back up with a dazed look before shaking his head. "Um, what?"

"I need invitations." Bella said slowly, pushing her arms against her chest to enhance her already fine cleavage. Mike stumbled with his fingers while grabbing the invitations and handing her a mess of them. Bella carefully counted six and threw the rest back at him. "Thanks," she smiled before turning around and trying to fix herself.

"Here," I said, pulling my jacket from my shoulders. She smiled gratefully before handing me my invitation. She shrugged it on and gave a wary look at Emmett, who was grinning like an idiot.

The rest of biology was a blur of boring lectures and notes that I barely registered. Bella seemed concentrated, looking from the messy notes on the board, to her messy notes in her journal. I scribbled down mindless crap that I was sure was going to be on the up-coming test, and stared out the window.

A prick of something settled in my stomach as I stumbled over her performance in my head. And I was suddenly hyper-aware of everything about her. The way she was shy and quiet, but when someone needed her, how she always pulled through, was one of the things that always something I'd found endearing. It was something I'd do, but I could never pull it off as successfully as Bella. She took my good qualities and magnified it to a saint level. And a saint I was not.

I knew she hated that I monopolized women or whatever I wanted, but it was easy. Simple relief and I had my reasons. I could keep a secret, even if it was just one. I knew she didn't share everything that was on her mind, but I had felt closer to her now. I honestly got that tattoo to mend our friendship more. She meant more to me than air or life, without Bella I couldn't live.

The class ended, and Bella left before Mike could catch up with her. Emmett and Jasper handed me twenty-five bucks each before they left while receiving their invitations. I skipped Math and went to the gym, noticing as soon as Bella came in wearing the frumpy gym shorts that were my hand-me-downs and the concert T-shirt we got years ago, that Mike made a B-line for her.

I hopped off the bleachers and strolled over to Bella, grabbing a fist full of her T-shirt and pulling her away from Mike. She looked grateful, and didn't leave my side. I watched her sad attempts at making a basket, and just… _watched_ her. Everything about her was reminiscent of our time together. My pants, a concert that we had to scalp tickets for, a stupid friendship bracelet I'd made her in fifth grade. Her ears were still pierced where we'd gone through a phase of wanting to be piercing professionals.

I knew every inch of her body – and her medical history – better than she did. Her brown hair swayed and I'd remembered the times where she'd complained about being so plain and undesirable, and the hours where I'd have to prove to her that she was the most beautiful girl in the world that put princesses to shame. And the way she'd comfort me when I fucked up and did something that I couldn't go home for.

She sheltered me when I got drunk for the first time, and puked my brains out, and I did the same when she drank wine like water when out parents were out of town. Could those things just remain memories? Was there a chance of more? Would I be there when Bella got her heart broken by some dick for the first time? No, I wouldn't let that happen, I was more protective than Charlie when it came to boys.

"Hey, Edward!" I focused my eyes to see an orange ball coming straight for my face. I caught it with gasp before I threw it back. "You okay? You were just staring out into space."

I smiled and helped her stand to shoot before whispering. "Just watching…"

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**A/N: So, I forgot to put in the truth for these things. From chapter 1 Damien really did handcuff us together but my dad's not a cop, he's a business man. His dad is a Surgeon and when he swallowed the key we had to sit in the bathroom for two hours until he pooped it out. Ew.  
The cake thing is true. My seventh birthday party we snuck into the kitchen and ate the entire thing. Needless to say, raw eggs, and we had our stomachs pumped.  
From this chapter, my first ear piercing ever was from when I wanted to be a piercer -- which I now am -- and Damien's got three heavy duty piercings in his Cartilage on his left ear. I've midified it over the years.**

**Your reviews are so amazing. They're really insightful. I know a lot of people were asking about Edward not being a virgin. I think it's become such a norm that Edward and Bella fall in love with all the misplaced drama in between, that there's no surprise left. And really, a lot of the stuff I read has become repetitive. But, when I was writing this, I didn't think of Edward not being a virgin, and Bella being a virgin, I was thinking about how friendship. I think if it's possible, you should look at it from that view, instead of the sexual premise.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is the shortest chapter so far and for a while. It's one of my favourites, though. I loved writing it.**

**Oh, and check out my new poll when you're done.**

**Thanks to my Beta, Kitschisme, for being so damn awesome. ;)**

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I closed my text book and sighed contentedly before leaning back in my chair. Today may not have been all that enjoyable, but I got it done with and survived. I knew with the process of getting dressed up to get the invitations to the party, there would undoubtedly be more dressing up when the actual party happened.

My books slipped easily back into my bag while I hopped on my bed and leaned back. Edward was working on biology and was pretty far for not even glancing at his notes. He had a photographic memory, which was why he was such a brilliant musician. He'd played for me when we were younger, always practicing and creating new melodies. I'd picked up some tricks, but nothing more than _Mary Had A Little Lamb_, or _Chopsticks_. I cherished the CD's he'd made for me; I still played them before I went to sleep, and listened to them on my i-POD.

"Do you realize we reviewed this same species, just under a different name, at the beginning of the semester?" Edward asked while writing in the answers with ease. I shrugged and he pulled out his U.S. History packet when he was done.

"It's review for mid-terms. That's what all the teachers say. It gets pretty repetitive, though, and it gets tuned out after a while. For as fossilized as the teachers are, you'd think they'd know."

"They do, they just don't give a rat's ass." Edward breezed through his packet, not even looking twice as he wrote each president's name under their dates and lengths of office. I envied his sleek matters on school, and how easily he could blow through something that I'd started long before he did.

I flipped on the T.V. and leaned against the headboard in my room. It was pretty late, and the evening came quickly. The sun was setting, and it became darker except for my desk light. Edward pushed his work into his bag and sat beside me while I flipped through channels and ended up on some creepy show on animal planet about the sea.

Whales suddenly appeared and I cringed. "You're such a baby." Edward teased.

"They're so big; you would be scared if they were near you, too." A whale brushed past the camera and the narrator started going on about how the females carry their pregnancy for a year.

"You know; a whale's penis is the size of two people." Edward informed me.

"Yeah, and only ten percent of its jizz gets into the female." I stated back at him. He hated that fact, only because he'd swallowed so much sea water. Though, it was probably clean by then. We didn't really get to the sea much when living in Forks.

_'The whales head to Alaska, after mating, for feeding. The female carries her pregnancy through a year, and usually misses a mating once in two years. Males, on the other hand, are always moving back and forth from Alaska in the cold arctic for feeding, to warm tropical weather for mating. A male sings to assert its dominance, and show the female that it is the stronger, and the more assertive male.'_

"That whale's not getting any, he sings like an asshole." Edward commented. I laughed and smacked his arm. He was quiet while we watched Orcas and Blue whales and Killer whales feed and mate.

We were both silent while we sat close to each other, each of us on the verge of falling asleep on the other. I listened to the soothing narrator's voice and closed my eyes. Edward was still awake, and I could tell he was thinking, because of the way he was still and breathing so deeply. I picked my head up and wiped at my eyes. I was about to ask what was wrong before he turned to me, his eyes suddenly accusing.

"Why are you still a virgin?" I blanched. He was looking at me, expecting an answer, but I was stunned into silence. My eyes widened and I felt my face enflame.

He was sitting patiently and watching the shock and confusion flash openly across my face. I spluttered and shook my head in a vain hope to clear the mess he had just made of it. What the hell? Was that why he'd been so distant? What the hell was going on his strange little mind?

"Um… I… uh… I still have a hymen?" I answered in complete abandonment of hope for trying to be coherent. His stare was intense and I shrank back. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before breathing out a loud exhale.

"No, why are you still a virgin? You've been hit on countless times, yet you don't pick up or even respond. What are you waiting for?" he looked lost, like he really wanted to know, but I didn't even know. It seemed basic to me, just something that I lived with as a constant.

"I haven't found anyone that I like enough to sleep with." It was basic, but true.

"Exactly," I raised my eyebrows and became even more confused. "Tell me, do you want to lose your virginity to some dick who doesn't give a shit about you and just wants a good time?"

"Of course not," I answered him immediately and without a second thought.

"But, it's definite that sometime within the span of high school and college you'll either get drunk, or think you like someone, and it'll never work out. That's just the way it is."

"What are you getting at, Edward? Have you found my soul mate or something and trying to get me to sleep with him?"

"Sleep with me,"

I stared wordlessly at him, my eyebrows shot through the roof and my mouth hung open in shock. It was silent for a long time. I wanted him to tell me what he was thinking, and he'd always had a way of being blunt, but it was… shocking. He was patient, his eyes searching for my answer, which was smeared in surprise. What could I say to that?

Sure, what he said made sense, but could I… sleep with him? A thrill ran through my spine as I remembered him telling me all about his escapades with women throughout the years. He'd described – in great detail – everything about it, even his first time. He'd grin as he explained the thrill of pleasure, and then the pressure of release. I bit down on my lip to keep my mouth shut.

Edward? My best friend Edward? How could I sleep with _him?_ I'd thought of him as a brother, but he was much more. We shared our first kiss, however awkward, and we'd seen each other nude countless times. It was something that came with knowing someone for a long time.

"Okay, it was a little out there, but let me explain first."

"Please," my voice was hoarse and he smiled sheepishly.

"We both know that I've had a lot of experience in the sex department." I nodded. "We're best friends, it wouldn't be bad or anything, and think about it, would you rather it be with someone like Mike Newton?" I grimaced at the thought.

"But who says I'll sleep with a jerk?" I defended.

"Imagine some cute guy comes up to you in college, you're a freshman and he's some junior, he flirts and says you're cute and asks you out. You agree, you start dating, he tells you all the pretty little words you wanna hear and you think you've fallen head-over-heels for this guy. He takes you back to his dorm, and says he wants to take it further, assuring you that your fears are fruitless and unprecedented. Time warp -you fucked, he bucked, and then he ducked. What would you do?"

"Probably not go out with him in the first place." I knew his scenario was right. He was an incredible debater and he probably knew this first hand. He'd probably done it within the past year.

"Come on, Bella, we both know that would happen in real life." I pursed my lips and encouraged him on. "Well, it wouldn't be so bad, but that's a scenario of your first time. Think about it, I'm experienced, we're best friends, and we'll still be when we're done. I'd never leave you."

I slumped back onto my bed and thought about that. Could we do something like that and still be best friends? It would be a few minutes and then we'd be done. I'd have the experience and we'd still be friends. The others wouldn't laugh at me for being a virgin anymore and I'd be set for life.

Edward wouldn't be selfish, and by providing the point that he'd had experience he was hinting that I would be focused on, and that my needs were met.

I looked back at him. He was playing with the hem of my shirt, tugging and fingering the string that hung loosely. It was _Edward_ for god's sake! The boy who taught me how to tipi and throw a football to make it spiral. He was the boy who would ride his bike over at the start of a thunderstorm so that I wouldn't freak out. Edward was the boy who would hand in his homework as a substitute for mine, or bribe administration to let me in on school activities.

This was _my _Edward. My best friend that had made me sign a blood treaty that we'd stay friends and forced my hand on it even when I threw up when we were done. He ate a whole cake with me and held my hand when we had to get our stomachs pumped for salmonella for raw eggs.

"Edward," I whispered. He looked up, seeming to be pondering my answer. "It's so sudden, and I mean, I don't know, even if it's for a few minutes…"

"It doesn't have to be." He assured me. "You'll need time to adjust, I mean. It'd be a lot to just throw it on you all at one time, since you've never even considered it a possibility before."

"So… what are you saying?" I became still as I realized the prevalence in his words, the hidden meanings and innuendos that he'd expected me to catch onto. I sat up on my bed and looked at him with a blank expression. I swallowed and mouthed the words in a whispered tone. "Friends with benefits?"

"No! I knew you'd go there, it's not- that's not why I brought it up!" he sat up in front of me and ran his hands through his hair. "I'd be more like a… teacher, I guess. Nothing much, just helping you learn the basics. I mean, once we go all the way I'd stop, of course, and nothing you're uncomfortable with."

"A teacher?" I started laughing and fell onto my back.. "A sexual teacher? This is too good, but you know I have a thing for doctors." He smiled and pushed my hip. "Where would you start Oh, Masterful Sex Expert?"

He was suddenly on top of me, straddling my waist, and my breath stopped in my throat. He grinned crookedly and grasped my face between his hands. "I don't know, how about kissing?" his breath fanned across my face. "I doubt any of the kisses we've had can be counted as 'arousing'."

"Arousing?" I squeaked. He grinned again, and his lips were forced on mine. The few times we'd kissed were innocent and just a peck. There was only one exception where we'd tried to French, but that was basically just licking. And when we'd finished, it had ended up with us pretending to be animals and biting each other.

His lips were soft and warm, moving so smoothly against mine. My hands wrapped in his soft tresses and I responded with the same fire he'd bestowed upon me. His lips were strong, opening mine while parting his. Something came from his mouth and hit my teeth, warmth ran through my nerves. My eyes widened and I felt a tightening in my stomach form.

His tongue! I swallowed the excess saliva that had formed, both his and mine, and pushed my tongue out, trying to mimic him. It slithered out and brushed against his, and then we were rabid. I forced his head down to mine and his hands pushed my hips up into his. His body was so warm, I'd never felt him in this way before. It was scary to see this side, the side he'd only shown to strangers, but at the same time it was exciting.

I was jealous of the strangers who got to see a part of Edward that I didn't, but now I'd get to know everything, to have everything. His tongue was wet and warm as it pushed further into my mouth. It moved with my own, and then felt around my mouth, feeling my molars and the roof of my mouth.

I was gasping and panting against him, my lips pushing into his, feeling every part of his porous tongue. It was very… arousing. I'd doubt there'd ever be a better description of an arousing kiss. He pulled away, both our breathing uneasy, and grinned at me. I bit my lip and tried to keep the blush from my face, but it was a hopeless effort.

"Very good, I'd give it an A."

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**A/N: In case you don't know, I have a fear of whales. I know that's strange, but when you're in the water with them and those huge things are near you, you'll be screaming. I've never been close to a whale, but they're still scary.**

**Which brings me to my favourite quote. My best friend Damien and I were watching Animal Planet one night and we were on the verge of sleep when he mumbled, "That whale's not getting any. He sings like an ass hole." I snort or giggle every time I hear that.**

**From this chapter and on it will get more mature, so people who don't like language, graphic lemons, and drama laden angst, I suggest turning away.**

**Now go see my new poll. You'll like it. :)**

**Don't forget to review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: From this chapter on it's dirty smut with a theme and a hella angst. **

**Thanks to my awesome Beta Kitschisme. You complete me!**

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I paced my room in rhythm. I was a dick, a very large, thick, disgustingly huge dick. I sighed frustratedly and continued to march across the wooden floor boards as I listened to the CD of some unknown band. I wasted so much money on those damn things, and most of the time they weren't even good.

I raked a hand through my hair for the fifteenth time in the last five minutes and sat on my bed. _She went along with it_.. Bella looked confused, and I would have, too. It was outrageous to ask her something like that, and then just blurt out what my mind was telling me to. I was selfish, so damn selfish.

I didn't want to think of someone getting into her pants, but it seemed inevitable. I was probably the only one who remembered – or even cared – but to me it was one of the most important things ever. We'd made a promise, even though we were young, that her virginity was mine. It shouldn't have mattered, but it did. I'd done my fair share, so she wouldn't be let down, but what if I wasn't good enough?

It seemed like I was only one aware of our sexual chemistry. Even when we were kids, I'd do stupid things to see her naked. I had a fixation for sex - so what? It was nice, I appreciated a woman's body, and Bella had the crème de la crème of sexy bodies. Just thinking about it tented my pants. Her chest was amazing; a c-cup last time I checked, but she always hid it. To be honest, I'd always wanted to grab 'em, and I did, but in a different way.

It was my duty, my job as a best friend to make sure she was protected from jerks, and her virginity was nothing less. I felt embarrassed for my actions, but I just couldn't get past the surprise of her _agreeing_ to it. She'd let me teach her and fuck her. The hard-on in my pants grew at the thought of it.

I groaned and went into the bathroom, preparing myself for a long, cold shower. There was no way in hell I could masturbate to Bella at the moment. My thoughts drifted to her delicious, full, sumptuous lips. They'd always been amazing, the way they'd pout and when she spoke how anyone's eyes drifted there, letting their thoughts wander to the gutter. Would she be willing? I turned the nozzle to ice cold and stepped inside, making an unmanly sound.

I couldn't even begin to think of anyone else who would be as good. Especially not any of the girls at school. "Go away, go away," I chanted as the ice water dripped down my torso and onto my still full erection. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, stop thinking!" I yelled at myself.

I was doing a stupid dance, hopping from one foot to another before cursing loudly and shutting off the spray. I sighed in content as I saw myself calm down. I wrapped a towel around my hips, careful of my lower back. Even though I could take the bandaging off, it still kind of ached every now and then.

"Edward!"

"Yeah?" I yelled from the doorway of the bathroom.

"We're leaving, be good okay?" Esme came down the hall with her hair done, and make-up perfectly applied. She came up and hugged me. "Ooh, you're cold sweetie."

"I'll be good, have fun." I was quick to blow off her comment. She smiled and ruffled my hair before turning and walking out the door.

"Tell Bella I said hi!" she called before she left. I went back to my room and pulled on a black pinstripe button-up and a pair of black slacks. I didn't bother with anything else, there was no point.

My stomach knotted and unknotted while I waited for her. What would we do? I hadn't thought of anything, I was too caught up in the unreal situation. I thought about what she'd be comfortable with; anything would probably be good. I promised slowly, so, more kissing? No, she was a _great_ kisser already, that'd get boring after a couple minutes.

I closed my eyes and thought for a couple minutes. I heard a rumble outside my window and knew Bella was here. I sighed and went to the top of the stairs, that'd work just fine. She knocked – for some reason – and I opened the door while rolling my eyes.

"You could have just opened it." She shrugged and followed behind me. I grabbed her overnight bag and threw it onto the couch before pulling her up-stairs.

"What are we doing?" she asked when we made it to my room. She sat on my bed and started looking through a magazine. I pulled out a CD and popped it in before crawling onto my bed and pulling off her shoes.

"Well, what are you comfortable with?" I asked while massaging her little feet. I worked my way up to her ankles and then her calves.

"Mmmm," she hummed in pleasure while her body relaxed. I worked the back of her knees and pressed the tense spots. "I'm comfortable with anything you do." She sighed.

"You've masturbated before, right?" her eyes popped open and she looked at me, flustered. Her cheeks were red and lit, and she bit her lip. She flopped back onto my bed and groaned while covering her eyes. "Well? You groom down there, I'd assume you would."

"I… I don't… know how," she whispered and mumbled at the same time. I barely caught it and after a few minutes, I started laughing. She looked – if at all possible – even more embarrassed. "Okay! I get it, you can stop laughing. I've never done it before, there was no need!"

"B- Bella, you're _seventeen_, you're a junior in high school, and you've never masturbated?"

"Stop saying that word," she mumbled into my pillow.

"What? Masturbation in healthy, Carlisle tells me it all the time. When I went for interning over the summer he told people that they should jack-off every once in a while. Guys do it, girls do it, it's the circle of life. I'm sure if animals didn't have retractable claws they'd be doing it, too." She looked up from my pillow and even though she still looked embarrassed, her cheeks weren't as red.

"Do you?" her cheeks went red again and I laughed.

"Yeah, all the time. I almost jacked it before you came here. I had a cold shower to keep it down." She groaned again and I sat her up. "We'll start there, then."

I pulled her into my lap and put her back to my chest. She was spluttering as I undid the button and zipper to her jeans. "W- what the hell are you… wh- why are you…" I put a hand over her mouth and yanked them down her legs, taking in an eye full of her little purple panties. My eyebrows rose and I looked at her.

"Are these the ones I got you for your birthday?" she flushed and nodded. I started laughing, I had gotten her lingerie for her birthday as a gag gift, I had never expected her to use it. "Are you wearing the bra, too?" I started to tug at her shirt and her hands were instantly on mine.

"What are you doing?" she stared at me wide eyed..

"Teaching you how to do this. I mean, come on, Bella, this is pretty basic." I paused and ran my hands slowly down her legs, feeling the smooth skin as I ran from her ankles to the back of her thighs. "If you changed your mind, just say so."

She shook her head and looked back up with her teeth in her lip. "I- I'm just nervous,"

"Don't be," I whispered. "It's easy, and it doesn't hurt, quite the opposite actually."

"Okay," she whispered and nodded. Her knees pulled a bit from each other. I put my hands on her knees and spread them apart so they were on either side of my legs. She was beet red, but her blush wasn't the kind that made someone look ridiculous. She looked attractive and while biting her lip; she looked sultry.

I took my index finger and moved slowly down her thigh. She gasped, and I knew she could feel the changes that her body was making. I moved my fingers to knead her naval, dipping under the waistband of her panties, but only to tease her. Her breathing picked up and she started to rock her hips infinitesimally, trying to create friction.

Her full weight slowly fell on me as she let her body control her actions. I knew she'd never felt anything like this before, and I'd make sure she'd never forget. I'd make sure this moment was engrained in her very being. She was breathing deeply, the tempo her hips had been moving to increased a bit.

My finger slid from her naval and circled her thigh. It traced around the edge of her panties, putting pressure on the skin, and then I could feel it. I smiled and felt a little jerk her body had made. I lifted my left index finger and rubbed it up and down her panty covered center. She was soaked through the material, and I could feel the outline of her slit perfectly. She whimpered and her hips bucked into my hand. My body immediately reacted and I felt myself get hard. Shit, why didn't I just do it before she came? It didn't help matters with her rocking her ass into my groin.

I took a deep breath and continued to move my finger up and down her drenched opening. I marveled at the feel of her, and I was amazed that I could get her so wet. Applying more pressure, I continued to push while I rubbed up and down. I went to the beginning of her opening and pushed while shaking my finger. Her body arched while I pinched her clit through her panties. I chuckled and took her hand with mine.

"See? It's easy, now just take your hand and do the same." She nodded and let my hand guide her. She moved two fingers up and down where mine had been. Her head rested on my shoulder, and I watched her do the most erotic things.

My lips touched the hollow beneath her ear and I sucked the skin there. She'd always been the most sensitive there. Her body arched, her chest stuck out and her hands worked harder. Through her shirt I could see her taught nipples; they stood visibly through her shirt and I ached to touch them.

I slid my free hand, the one that wasn't teasing around Bella's panties, to her stomach. I moved under her shirt to feel the skin there and moved to her ribs. She was breathing heavily, probably anticipating my movements. In a gesture I would have never guessed in a thousand years, Bella grabbed my hand from under her shirt and slid it to her breast.

I looked at her face to see her eyes half-lidded and she was flushed. I squeezed and her body writhed against mine, a strangled moan left her mouth and I clenched my teeth while her ass ground into my erection again. I took her nipple between my thumb and forefinger and rolled it. She threw her head back and cried out into the air.

My hands moved hers from her center and I stuck it down into her panties. She instinctively bucked and the feeling of her smooth, soft, wet flesh on mine made me grind back into her. My thumb played with her clit and I let my middle finger linger outside her slick entrance.

"Edward…" she breathed. My heart sped up and my ears heard the most beautiful sound in the world. The hand that had worked before was resting on top of mine inside of her underwear and she was moving against my hand for friction.

"Doesn't it feel good?" I whispered in her ear.. I dipped my finger inside of her and pulled it back out. Her free hand that was on mine inside her shirt squeezed my hand and I continued to play with her breast while I moved my finger in and out.

She was vocal while I moved. Most were their first time; she was saying my name in all kinds of tones and breathing all kinds of incoherencies. I stopped and took her hand with mine again while moving her finger to her opening and pressing it in. she gasped and began to move it carefully.

"No, Edward, please, don't stop." She begged.

"It's not really teaching if I do it all myself." I struggled to say, but she got it and continued pumping her finger in and out. The way she was moving and writhing made an indescribable feeling come over me. Just watching her, seeing her so vulnerable and in the throws of pleasure made my body ache for more.

Her hips moved in sync with her fingers and I placed my hand back over hers. I moved my palm to her left neglected breast and squeezed before stopping to feel her heart. It was fast and pumping heavily against me. I swallowed and looked back at her face. She was beautiful, not just because of what we were doing. The way her flushed cheeks were glowing from something other than embarrassment and her red, plump lips that moved with each pant and moan made her look like an angel.

Her body moved securely against mine, grinding her hips into my pelvis and I pushed back and moved my fingers over hers, letting her writhe atop me. I groaned into the air as she pushed and ground her ass into my erection. I pushed my fingers past hers and curved them inside of her.

She reacted immediately, her body stilled, her legs clamped onto my hand and arched her back. I continued to dry-hump her ass, wanting my release that was extremely painful at the moment. Bella rode out the waves of her orgasm and continued to move against me, her body wriggled and pressed into me, effectively teasing me.

She stilled, though. Her body fell limply on top of mine and I dropped the F-bomb while she tried to catch her breath. Her chest heaved and I licked my lips. Fuck it. I lifted her from under the arms and nearly sprinted to the bathroom. As soon as the door was closed I pulled down my pants and worked my sweet relief.

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**A/N: Hope this makes up for the last short chapter. :D**

**You might not believe this, but it was _a lot_ of fun to write. XD I've never used a lot a curse words in my fanfics, and it was nice getting into sync with Edward using them.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This is in BPOV. A bit repetitive, I know, but there'll be more.**

**And thanks to my fabulous Beta, Kitschisme. Go check out her story _Between the Lines_.**

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To say I was nervous was a complete understatement. I was petrified, terrified, and just about everything in between. I had thought long and hard throughout the day, and it was hard to believe that just last night I had agreed to be Edward's sex-pupil; I laughed at the term. I found it morosely funny that this was happening, but when I thought of the reality, I stopped laughing.

I climbed out of the shower, wrapping the fluffy white towel around me. Charlie was at the station, and Reneé was the only one home besides me. I knew I needed to calm down my nervousness; she'd read me like a book. After brushing through my tangles I went to my room where I was still unsure what to where.

What do I wear to a… sex lesson? I grimaced. The first thing I did was go to my underwear drawer. Lingerie was important, right? Unless it was just more kissing, in which case I wouldn't have to wear anything provocative. I shook my head of the thought, kissing _always_ led to more. In the books and movies I'd read, the characters would get into a heated make-out session and end up wrapped up in each other's flesh. My cheeks enflamed at the thought.

I shook my head; Edward wouldn't let things get out of hand. He promised we'd take things slow, and he was a man of his word. I dug through my panties and tried to find something that matched. All my underwear was either solid black or white or something with polka dots or stripes. That wasn't nice at all. I dug all the way to the back, where I kept the things I'd promised never to wear. I pulled out a blue mess of strings first… _no way_.

I dug further back, searching until my fingers came in contact with soft lace. I nearly squealed when I found it, and then looked it over with a frown. The lavender matching panties and bra offended me with their detail. Would this be too much? Edward had gotten it as a gag gift for my last birthday, before he gave me my real gift, an engraved lighter. I couldn't find a use for it, but I liked it nonetheless.

I slipped on the purple lingerie and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't look… bad, but I didn't look as pretty as someone else might in it. The previous butterflies had come back and assaulted me. What if Edward changed his mind? What if he didn't like my body? He'd seen it more than any other, but what if he saw me in a new light, not as a best friend, but as a girl?

I didn't look back in the mirror as I found my blue jeans and slipped them on, and then my shirt.. I really wasn't feeling very confident in myself, and I was tempted to just skip out on him. But it was Wednesday, and we'd always had movie nights on Wednesday. I grabbed my little black overnight bag and made my way down the stairs.

"You leaving, Bella?" Reneé called from the kitchen. She poked her head out of the doorway, and I avoided her gaze, fiddling to get my shoes on to look casual. "Tell Edward I say hi."

"Will do," I answered while I walked to the door..

"You feel alright? You look a little flushed."

"Don't I always?" I teased with a grin. She rolled her eyes and walked back into the kitchen, while I breathed a sigh of relief when I was outside. I threw my bag in the bed of my truck and started the rumbling engine.

I sped down the rode and relaxed when the house was out of sight. I really didn't want my parents to find out about this. Ever since Edward and I had gone through puberty, my parents had become stricter, even setting a curfew for when Edward could and couldn't come over. My dad had even done bag checks when he slept over. I'd always wondered what he'd expect to find, and I'd thought about putting something in there before. Maybe a penis-pump or giant dildo. I started to laugh hysterically at the thought. Both Edward and Charlie would have killed me for that one.

I pulled down the reserved road and rough terrain of the Cullen's driveway. I was surprised they'd never gotten it paved. Esme said she liked the outdoors effect it had on the house, the white and grey rocks were a nice touch. Turning off the ignition, I fumbled with the seatbelt and tried to take a few calming breaths.

Maybe he didn't want to start tonight. I could have been worrying over nothing. I pushed myself from the car and went around to grab my bag. The trip to the house was unnerving; it seemed like a huge step, that I would be going through that door to change my life, when I'd been through it countless times. _Stop worrying!_ I screamed at myself. I'd known Edward for my whole life. Why was it such a big deal?

I breathed out a large breath, and knocked on the door. Could I just walk in? I wasn't here to just watch a movie; I was here to do something to defile this pristine home. My hands began to shake and I clenched them. The door swung open and Edward stood before me, a lopsided grin playing on his lips.

"You could have just opened it," he teased me. I didn't trust myself with words; my voice felt like it would shake if I did. I shrugged helplessly and followed in after him.

He seemed eager. Throwing my bag onto the couch, and latching onto my hand, he pulled me up the spiral staircase and led me down the familiar path to his room. I was enveloped in his heady, relaxing scent, and I crawled onto his bed. I flopped on my stomach and grabbed a magazine that was beside me.

"What are we doing?" I asked while I mindlessly flipped through the pages. I looked at the pictures and the people in them, not noticing many people I knew. Edward sat by my feet and pulled my sneakers and socks off.

"Well, what are you comfortable with?" he asked me, his voice sounded unsure, trying to understand what I wanted. I wasn't supposed to come up with answers; he was the teacher, I just followed his lesson plan. His fingers worked the arch of my foot and rubbed my ankle bones, then the back of my legs and my calves.

"Mmmm," I sighed. His fingers pressed into the back of my knees and I smiled into his pillow, my eyes sliding shut. "I'm comfortable with anything you do." My voice was a breath of relaxation and comfort.

"You've masturbated before, right?"

Whoa! My eyes snapped open and I was instantly up and sitting. He looked smug, and I knew he already had the knowledge that I was… innocent in every way. I was speechless. Furious and embarrassed words whizzed through my head, but none of them stuck.

I continued to stare dumbly and open and close my mouth, willing something to form. He just gave me an expression that looked like he wasn't sure. He'd never asked before, and I'd honestly never felt the need to discuss my… bodily needs with him. Though, that didn't stop him.

"Well? You're groomed down there, I'd assume you would." I raised my eyebrows and swallowed hard. I closed my mouth and tried to straighten myself out, but I was pretty sure the shock wouldn't come off.

"I… I don't… know how," I grumbled quietly.. He looked at me with a confused and stupid expression before he busted out laughter. I blushed even more and covered my face with my hands before looking back annoyed. "Okay! I get it, you can stop laughing. I've never done it before, there was no need!"

"B- Bella, you're _seventeen_, you're a junior in high school, and you've never masturbated?"

"Stop saying that word," I mumbled while flopping back down on his bed and hiding my face in his pillow. I tried to hold back the tears. He was an expert and I didn't know anything about this.

"What? Masturbation in healthy, Carlisle tells me it all the time. When I went for interning over the summer he told people that they should jack-off every once in a while. Guys do it, girls do it, it's the circle of life. I'm sure if animals didn't have retractable claws they'd be doing it, too." The tears went away and I found myself trying to contain a giggle. I looked up, still a bit nervous and bit my lip.

"Do you?" I knew I blushed big time. Of course he did! He went into great detail about it before. He surprised me by laughing loudly.

"Yeah, all the time. I almost jacked it before you came here. I had a cold shower to keep it down." I groaned and hid my face in the pillow, before I felt his hands under my arms and then I was in his lap. "We'll start there, then."

Before I could comprehend what he had just said, my back was to his chest, and his hands were working my pants. I felt his finger on the waistband of my jeans and looked down to see him unclasping the button. I looked up in shock. "W- what the hell are you… wh- why are you…" his hand covered my mouth and his other yanked down my jeans until they fell to the floor. He raised his eyebrows at my choice of undergarments..

"Are these the ones I got you for your birthday?"I flushed and he laughed, his body shaking mine. "Are you wearing the bra, too?" His hands were trying to get under my shirt and I had time to react this time. I grabbed him and pulled his hands away.

"What are you doing?" I asked in near panic.

"Teaching you how to do this. I mean, come on, Bella, this is pretty basic." He paused to run his hands down my bare legs. His warm skin felt every inch before coming back and caressing my thigh. I didn't think he noticed, but his fingers just barely touched my panties. "If you changed your mind, just say so."

After feeling just his light touch, I didn't want him to stop. I shook my head too eagerly and bit my lip. "I- I'm just nervous,"

"Don't be," His voice was soft and tender in my ear. "It's easy, and it doesn't hurt, quite the opposite actually."

"Okay," I whispered and nodded him on. I opened my legs a little bit, knowing he would need access. But spreading my legs and knowing what he was going to do made my skin feel hotter than it should have. He spread my legs wider while guiding my knees to either side of legs.. I was completely red, and I was pretty sure I was going to bite my lip off. But I was hyper-aware of his touch; the warm skin of his hand was so smooth against me.

His finger moved slowly down my thigh. His hands were so warm, the rough but soft feel of his skin glided up and down my thighs, making the pit of my stomach twist and turn. I could feel a pooling and I gasped at the feeling. His finger rubbed under my bellybutton, right on my naval and my hips rocked on instinct. Biting my lip, I tried to stop it, but when he slipped his fingers down to rub me I lost all hope of control.

I had given up trying to control my body, Edward's every touch sent electricity through my veins and I slumped onto him further. My legs fell open for him and I eagerly awaited his touch. My hips pushed up, wanting him to come further in, to touch me where I needed it most. My body felt like it was on fire, needing something to cool it down, to have release. And we had only just begun.

His finger left from where it was kneading, and I suppressed a groan, not wanting him to stop, never wanting him to stop. But instead of leaving, he traced a line to my thigh and rubbed the skin there, closer to my heated core. Feeling the pressure from his skin, my hips bucked up without my permission. I was enticed by his movements; my eyes eagerly watched him move with precision to the area where I needed him the most.

I nearly screamed when he pushed his finger up and down my slit. I clenched my teeth and breathed out heavily. There was nothing in the world that could compare to the feeling. I wanted to cry because of what I was feeling, the sheer pleasure of it all made my body react in ways I had never thought possible. I gave up control and whimpered while my hips bucked into his hand, needing to feel more of him. My eyes popped open when I felt something against my back. I wrote it off as his belt, really not being able to concentrate on anything but his ministrations.

Edward's chest expanded beneath me with the effort of a breath and I wondered if he was bored. I could feel myself become hotter and wetter with each stroke that he made. Each time he pressed harder, allowing me to get used to the amazing feeling. My chest ached with the tightening of my nipples, but I couldn't move my hands to them. I was limp in Edward's capable hands.

I was thoroughly concentrated on each of his movements, memorizing them so that I could replay it over and over again. His fingers were caressing and pushing against me, making me need him in more than just this way, this simple way. I was wrapped up in what he doing, concentrated on feeling him when his finger went to the front of my slit. My breathing hitched and he pushed his finger down on my clit, teasing and pinching it.

On instinct I arched my back and began to pant. _Never_ had I felt anything like this. The pressure and feelings from before was nothing compared to the feeling of him doing that. My jaw shook and clenched and my hips bucked wildly, just wanting desperately to feel him again. Instead of doing it again, he chuckled beneath me, his chest vibrating against mine. Lost in a world of my own, I barely noticed when he grabbed my hand with his.

"See? It's easy, now just take your hand and do the same." I nodded dumbly, willing to do anything to feel that kind of pleasure again. I tried to remember exactly what he had just done, but all I could manage was pressing two fingers against my dampened panties and rub myself.

It felt amazing that I could control it, but I liked it better when Edward did. The feeling of not knowing where he would go, and not knowing how hard he would press made my body stand at attention for him. His breath was in my ear, shallow and panting, and his lips were just beneath my ear. I closed my eyes, knowing exactly what he was going to do. He pulled the skin in his mouth and I lost control. My body arched, and I pushed myself harder, rubbing roughly to get more feeling.

I was moving my hips against my hand, wanting more, needing more. Edward's fingers played around the hem of my panties, dipping in and rubbing the sensitive skin every once and a while, stimulating the need for friction. His right hand moved over my naval and I was reveling in the contact of his warm skin, but it slid to my ribs, playing with the lace there. I needed more, to have him please all the parts of me that were screaming in agony at not being touched. Grabbing his hand, I slid it up to my breast, squeezing his hand to egg him on.

His hand slipped under my bra and began to squeeze me, forcing a jolt to run down my spine which my body instantly reacted to. A moan came from my mouth and I wanted to scream, but my throat was so dry and painful. I didn't care and continued to moan and whimper for more. He rewarded me by him taking my nipple between his fingers and pinching it. My head rammed into his shoulder and I cried into the air, wishing he'd be rougher.

I whimpered when he took the hand that was playing around my panties and moved my fingers. I didn't want to stop. I had never felt this incredible in my life. I wasn't sure, but I thought I would be close to my release by now. But instead of stopping, he stuck his hand into my panties and began to move his finger up and down as he did before. My hips bucked; it was better without a barrier between us and I enjoyed it that much more.

I was pushing against him, grinding my hips wildly into his hand. I needed more, and he was giving me what I wanted. His thumb pushed against my clit and I began to move against his hand harder. Seeming to understand what I wanted, he slipped a finger inside of me. Oh god, the sheer magnitude of it was amazing. I had never felt anything so overwhelmingly powerful.

"Edward…" I gasped. My hand was still on top of my panties, and I was pushing him harder, loving the feeling of him where no one had ever been before. I opened my eyes a little to see, and the sight took my breath away. Just watching his hand inside my panties, moving through the material and the pleasure he was giving me was tearing me apart.

"Doesn't it feel good?" his voice was a distant whisper in my ear, soothing as a melody, and so very erotic. I was mumbling his name over and over again, babbling incoherencies that made no sense to either of us. I grabbed his hand over my breast and squeezed again, his fingers moved in rhythm on both parts of my anatomy.

I was lost in a world of pleasure. I was dewed with sweat and my hips were pulsing against his hand. He was so skilled, so masterful that I was suddenly impatient for him to fill me completely. I shuddered as I thought of the feeling of him inside of me. My eyes snapped open when his finger left me. Was he just going to _stop_?

His breathing was heavy in my ear and he grasped my hand with his. Pulling my hand under my lavender panties, he pressed my finger into my core and helped me move it in the rhythm he had before. I wasn't happy with this; I couldn't make myself feel the same way that he could. I had no experience and I just wanted to release already.

"No, Edward, please, don't stop." I begged.

"It's not really teaching if I do it all myself." He was panting, his voice breathy and marred. I wondered why, but then I felt him against my back again and I _knew_ it wasn't his belt. I swallowed and tried to concentrate on matching the pace he had set.

Edward was moving his hands all over my body, only magnifying the feelings of passion and pleasure. His hand was on my left breast – my neglected one, and he squeezed it again, twisting the nipple. I wondered if he could feel my heart. I could hear it pumping in my ears because of my exertion, but it was more than that - I was no longer embarrassed. I was completely natural before Edward, and it seemed that he didn't care, because in a way, we both were.

I was writhing on top of him, grinding into what I was sure was his erection. I felt remourse for a split second, but as my fingers danced across my folds, I found that I just couldn't care enough to stop. His hips were pushing into me; he deserved release just as much as I did. In a swift movement, he began to push on my fingers, moving them further and harder, causing my body to wriggle more against him. Soon my fingers were no longer inside of me, but replaced by his.

I was crying into the air, my moans and whimpers marred by the breathiness of my voice. My head was thrown back and I had lost complete control of my body. His finger curved inside of me and I knew I was done for. As soon as he hit my G-spot, my body spasmed and I had my first orgasm.

My body arched and stilled, while my legs came together to stop the flowing of my juices, and also to create more friction. My head threw itself back and I screamed out into the air. I could feel Edward beneath me, his hips were forcefully moving into my ass, and somehow that made it all the more erotic.

"Fuck," Edward whispered behind me. My body went limp on top of his, my breathing loud and erratic, and I felt a stupid smile come to my face.

Edward lifted me from on top of him, and then sort of limped to the bathroom. Had I hurt him? I heard a groan and immediately blushed while hiding my face back in his pillow. Ew. I realized exactly what he was doing, and I couldn't be disgusted because we had both just witnessed me masturbating for the first time.

The bathroom door opened and Edward stood with a grin on his face. "Did you bring a change?" he asked while heading down out of the room.

"In my… bag," I breathed. I had effectively soaked everything around me, and now that my throws of passion were gone, I could afford to be embarrassed. My thighs were coated in my own juices, as were Edward sheets, and of course my panties. The one time I'd worn them they'd been destroyed.

Edward appeared in the doorway, digging through my stuff and I groaned. He'd always gone through my stuff, but something about him looking for my underwear furthered my blush. "Ah, blue polka dots, never a bad choice." He chuckled while he tossed me my panties. I glared and stumbled my way to the bathroom.

My reflection in the mirror was a mess, my hair was sticking out in all kinds of directions, and my cheeks were stained red. I groaned and slipped off the little lavender panties before deciding to throw them in the trash. I'd never wear them again anyway. Smoothing out my hair, I made my way back to his bedroom.

The top sheet was already off, and he had the TV set up to watch movies. He was lying on his back with his arms behind his head.. "You got any ideas for a movie?" he asked.

I picked up Reno 911 and popped the DVD in before I lay down next to him. There wasn't any awkwardness; it was like the moment never happened. It was just Edward and Bella on Wednesday movie night, like it had always been.

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**A/N: I promise I won't be doing double POVs for every lemon. To be honest, I hate writing repeptitively. I just thought since it's the first... I guess this would be considered a lime more than a lemon, that I should do it in both POVs. I've been trying to be fair on both terms, giving them equal POVs to write it in.**

**Next chapter will Edward, I love writing him. For some reason it's easier to write him rather than Bella.**

**Oh! And I did research for this story. I awkwardly interviewed my boss for this lemon, and for another future chapter. Damien -- my best friend -- helped me with the guys stuff.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks to my incredible Beta, Kitschisme, and some of my amazing reviewers.**

**When I get your reviews I smile:**

**_MiddiVampira_**

**_dvorndran_**

**_TheGodsCanDance_**

**_Chi Cullen_**

**_Shante17_**

**I love all of your reviews, everyone's got some amazing stuff to say. They make me feel so proud. :)**

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"Here's to Bella!" Emmett cheered, holding his beer can in the air. It was the Friday before Mike's party and he was pretty buzzed as it was. I'd noticed him eyeing Rosalie while she, Alice and Bella, laughed at Jasper and Emmett's loud chants.

They'd begun a sluggish kind of Can-Can, and Alice was rolling around on the ground. Rosalie shook her head, but was just as impressed by Emmett's ability to be able to Can-Can after about five beers. This whole celebration was in Bella's honour. We'd all hauled lawn chairs and camping things to the hidden baseball field at the end of town. We'd come here when we wanted to get drunk, or party, or just hang out.

We'd somehow managed to keep the bonfire going without the whole field lighting on fire. We'd done it before any of us had alcohol in our system, but after Jasper proclaimed he was going to be a fire walker – a dream he'd long since put to rest – we decided no one could be within five feet of it if they had more than six cans.

Emmett was frantically waving for me to join. The girls were pretty amazed that they were still up. They were horribly off sync; their legs weren't even kicking, just flailing in the air. Oh the joys of drunk friends. Emmett had gone pant-less, just wearing a pair of yellow boxers that said "Rosalie's Bitch" is sparkling pink on the ass. We'd all got a kick out of that. Apparently, it wasn't for outside eyes.

"I gotta pee," Bella stated, wobbling as she stood up.

"And miss this?" Rosalie shrieked in laughter.

"Well, I'm not dumb enough to pee in the fire like them, so yes." Bella stepped over the pile of cans and walked out into the darkness.

"I'll go with her." To be honest, I couldn't take catching flashes of Emmett's balls through his boxer legs anymore. I stepped over the pile of cans and jogged over to where Bella was still walking. She was stumbling in the dark and I pulled out my lighter.

"Thank you!" she giggled while heading out to the edge of field. I followed her, watching as she walked. I wasn't even sure she knew where she was going. I just… watched.

"How much did you drink?" I muttered. She turned around instantly, a big smile on her face.

"As many as you." Four then. Figured, she couldn't hold her liquor, she was always a lightweight. I nodded and she continued forward. I was only a little buzzed, but she must have been drunk by this point.

Bella walked into the brush by the side of the old shed, and I turned around, trying to give her some privacy. She was singing to herself, her voice slurring the words to some song that she'd heard in the car on the way here. I listened to her soprano voice, making sure I wasn't losing her. She had a tendency to run off when she was drunk. She seemed to inherit ADHD whenever we drank.

The first time we'd gotten drunk as a group freshman year, she'd run into the woods chasing a butterfly, and then caught a ride with some hippies back to my house at midnight. She was easy to talk to when she wasn't drunk, but she could sit with someone for hours and just listen to them, asking questions and all kinds of shit.

When her grandmother came to town, I slipped some Jaeger in Bella's drink, and she sat there with her for three hours before her grandmother got tired and went to sleep. I chuckled and shook my head.

I hadn't noticed her singing had stopped until I heard a crack of a branch behind me. I instantly reacted and jumped behind the bush to see where she was. My heart-rate accelerated, and then slowed down, and then jumped back up all in three seconds. Bella was on the ground, her pants around her ankles, and was sitting there Indian style playing with a cricket. I swallowed before walking over to her.

"What are you doing, Bella?" I whispered.

"I fell on the floor, and then Mr. Cricket was singing to me 'cause I sang to him." I tried to ignore the fact that her pants were off, and I could _clearly_ see everything, and thanked god I was the one who went with her.

"You're afraid of bugs." I murmured while squatting down next to her. "I think you should let Mr. Cricket go, everyone will get worried if we don't come back." Bella nodded, her hands that were cupping the cricket gently put him on the ground, and we watched as it hopped away.

She looked up at me, her big brown eyes penetrating. I was still for a long time, gazing back. And I found that I was speechless at the sadness there. She was sad that a cricket had left her, that she had to release it. She seemed so much like a child in that moment. She was always too articulate when she let herself go like this. She never had a problem with being drunk, it always allowed her to release her true feelings.

What I saw in her eyes wasn't sadness for losing the cricket; it was a sadness that had allowed me the excuse of a cricket. And in her childlike behaviour I believed that she was saddened by the loss of a bug. She wanted me to think that, though. She hadn't lost eloquence; she allowed it to be brought out by another form. Something so simple, and yet so complex that I _had _to get it, because she knew I over thought everything.

"What's wrong, Bella?" I whispered, my hand going to her cheek. Her mouth parted a little, I could smell the beer on her breath and I was somewhat consoled by the fact that she was intoxicated. At least she wouldn't be able to lie. She spilled everything when she was like this.

"I thought about you last night." Her voice was desperate, searching, and I knew what for.

"I thought about you, too, Bella." She shook her head, moving her body to face me more. I sat on my knees and looked no where but her eyes. I hadn't noticed I stopped holding the switch on my lighter, but I didn't need to. The light from the bonfire illuminated the brush around us.

"No, not like that, but kinda'." She grabbed my hand and played with my fingers while she spoke. "Remember when we were in sixth grade, and Emmett started to date Rosalie? I thought about how stupid it was. And then the first time they told us they had sex? I thought about how stupid they were. And then I thought about Alice and Jasper. And when I was done thinking, I figured out I was jealous."

I cocked my head to the side, for the first time, I was confused. "What do you mean?"

"They have each other. I know we have each other, but we were friends with Emmett first, then Rosalie, then Jasper, and then Alice. But they all get along better than the two of us do with them. I'm the outcast in this group. And you're the second one."

"What the hell are you talking about, Bella?" her eyes started to glisten a bit, and she sniffled.

"You've had sex, you know the company. They've had sex, they know the company. They're all dating and have had sex. The four of them are connected more with each other than with us. I can't be with Alice and Rosalie sometimes because I don't know what they're talking about. And when they make fun of me for being a virgin, I don't like it. And you're the only one who treats me like a person in all aspects."

"Bella, that's crazy." I murmured. "Emmett sees you like a little sister, Rosalie's the same. Alice loves to have someone to dress up and talk to about mature situations and all that. Rosalie's okay for her, but she's always said that if she had a problem, she would go to you first, even before Jasper. And Jasper – I don't think anyone can listen to him rambling about history without practically falling asleep beside you."

"He tells good stories." She sniffed again and wiped her tears on her sleeve. "I know they like me, and I know it's all in my head, but it hurts sometimes."

"Sometimes we hurt ourselves more on our own than others do trying with all their might." She smiled at me, wiping away her tears.

"But—" she stopped short, covering her mouth and shaking her head.

"But what?" Bella continued to shake her head, not meeting my eyes. "What, Bella? What is it?"

She looked at me, and I saw in her eyes that we locked that she couldn't keep it in. "But I thought about you last night." She whispered.

"So?" I wasn't so much worried about her original topic as I was about her tearing her mind apart.

"I thought about you, and then I dreamed about you.. Here, I mean." Her voice was a whisper, and she brought my hand to where she was uncovered. Bella pressed my fingers to her core; it was already wet and hot. I had forgotten the fact that her pants were gone. But the startling fact didn't go wasted on me. "And then I touched here."

I swallowed hard. I'd expected her to masturbate. That was a basic human need, a function that was primal since the beginning of man. But somehow knowing that she touched herself to the thought of me, and by what she said about dreaming, could have had her first wet dream about me, made my pants tighter.

I rolled my eyes and tried to pass it off as nothing.. "People do that all the time, Bella. Why do you think I showed you how to do it?"

"I forgot it all." She said without hesitation. "I thought about your fingers and how nice they felt, and then I did it." She looked up at me again, and pushed my fingers closer to her warmth. I could feel the tip of my left ring finger just at her opening. "Please, just one more time."

I fell back, sitting Indian style like her, and dragged her on top of me. She straddled either side of me with her legs. Everything below her waist was exposed to me. My hoodie was unzipped, going to the back of her thigh from behind, but allowed me a perfect view of the moisture that was beginning to descend down her thighs. How long had she been thinking about this? Had she sat with us all night and thought about me while she drank?

"It's gotta be quick. They'll come lookin' for us soon and no one can see, okay?" she nodded, biting the sleeve of my hoodie. At least she'd be quiet.

Her belly button was in front of my face while she stood on her knees. I pushed my tongue in, circling and sliding it down around her naval. I could feel her shuddering, and something dripped onto my leg. There was no need for extensive foreplay if she was so wet.

I reached down and found her clit, my eyes popped wide at how swollen it was. She must have been sitting there for hours, just ignoring the throbbing. I didn't know anyone who could do that. She gasped above me, crying and moaning into the sleeve she was biting. I plunged my middle finger into her, pumping it wildly while she tried to recoil. Her hips rocked in rhythm, and she arched forward. Her head cradled in my shoulder and she cried into the skin of my neck.

"Mmnn… Edward, more. It hurts… I can't…"

"You will, you will. Just be patient, Bella." I moved my index finger in and then my ring finger. I took my other hand and played with her clit, pinching it and stroking it. Only more wetness came from her, and I could tell she was beginning to get scared.

"It hurts," she whimpered.

"I know, hold on a little longer… I promise…" I worked my fingers inside of her, looking for the one thing I knew would allow her to finally relieve herself and orgasm. I curved my middle finger and dug it deeper inside of her, pushing roughly until I felt her jerk, and then did it again.

I was close to it, and I kept pushing. Bella was squeezing my shoulder and screaming into my neck. I knew it hurt, I hated myself for doing this to her. I could feel her tears on my skin before she moaned. I made contact roughly with the skin of her inner walls and pushed at it until I felt her body shake and then finally still. I kept hitting her G-spot over and over again until she was completely collapsed.

She was panting into my neck, frustrated and pleased tears still rolling down her cheeks. "Don't let it go that long, Bella.. If you need to do it, just do it." She nodded and pulled away, wiping her tears away with my jacket.

"Thank you, Edward." She choked out.

"It's fine. Let's get you back over to everyone. Nothing but water for the rest of the night." She stumbled, but eventually got to her feet. I picked up her jeans and buttoned them. She looked tired, no longer exuding the happiness from before. She seemed almost shy.

I zipped up my jacket around her, and put my arm over her shoulder. She was always clumsy, but that was magnified when she was like this. We walked side by side back to our friends, guided by the light of the fire. They were all still loud and happy; Emmett had lost his shirt and was making his stomach talk to the girls.

"What took you guys so long?" Jasper shouted cheerfully.

"I fell," Bella mumbled wiping her eyes with my sleeve. She looked exhausted and slumped into my side.

"Hah! Bella fell'a!" Emmett proclaimed. Then, he too fell to the ground, rolling around like a turtle on its back. "That was a lo—ng time to be in the woods, was it like this?" he stretched out the word 'long' and continued to roll. I saw more cans had been added to the pile and rolled my eyes.

The night continued much the same. After Jasper puked his brains out for a couple minutes, we decided to put the beer to rest. That didn't stop the fact that Emmett was still hammered and energetic. He had started to make bets about benching Alice, to which I threw in that it might not be wise. I had a feeling Alice and the fire might meet on bad terms.

Bella didn't speak much when we came back. She just kept herself tucked into my side, and I hadn't noticed she was asleep until I heard her mumbling. I didn't know if she passed out or not, but it was decided it was time to hit the hay. Especially since it was two in the morning and Emmett had a football game the next night.

I didn't have the heart to wake Bella up. It was rare that she slept through being drunk. She was usually up and then crashed through her hangovers. Why not give her the experience? Alice and Jasper left to the red tent, Emmett and Rosalie to the green one. I pulled Bella to the blue one and pulled her sleeping bag around her.

After zipping up her bag, I crawled to mine. Bella was knocked out, her body slowly curling in on itself. And I'd always hated how even in her sleep she had to be defensive like that. I knew she had the mind to over think things, but stuff like tonight, it was too much. She was only seventeen and she tore herself apart. I could never read her, and I suppose that's one of the reasons why we'd become such good friends. We surprised each other.

I hadn't thought she would accept to me 'teaching' her, but she did. I had the idea for some time, because I, too, hated the fact that everyone joked about it. But it wasn't just our group of friends; it was close to the entire school. Everyone knew everyone in Forks, and so secrets usually didn't stay that way. People assumed that with my reputation and all that I'd done, I'd been with Bella by now, but she was the exception. I couldn't hurt her like that.

I'd been thinking when I brought this up, that being slow and taking our time would mean that she'd be different from the other girls. I never did foreplay, I thought it was stupid, and I really didn't want to touch them more than I had to. I'd gone on some dates, but never really had a girlfriend. I didn't regret a thing, that's why Emmett and I got along so well. We used to joke around with the girls and then talk about them. Until Rosalie came, and then Emmett was whipped, never mentioning another girl in her presence.

I slunk into my sleeping back and moved closer to Bella. She looked peaceful now, no lines of worry, or any sign of being upset.. I sighed in relief; at least she could have some peace. I was pretty sure I'd made things tough on her. But it was _for_ her that I did it. Of course, I couldn't tell her that, I couldn't tell anyone that.

Lauren and Jessica just didn't know their place yet. They were the only ones who hadn't learned by now. But I'd _make_ them learn soon enough. If anyone put Bella through hell, I'd do my damndest to bring that hell right back on them.

* * *

**A/N: I wanted to show the interlacings between Edward and Bella, because I know that I'm much too analytical at times. I can sit down for a couple hours and think about the same thing and not notice it until someone tells me to move. I figured Bella might be like that sometimes, god knows she has enough monologuing in Twilight.**

**True story: A couple of the people I used to be friends with before they all moved away had this big huge bonfire, and one of the guys was the quarterback on the football team, and the other guys reminds me _so_ much of Jasper, Southern hospitality and everything. So anyway, half way through My bestfriend and I started to do the can-can music, so they got up, and the Quarterback guy drops his pants and has these ugly yellow boxers with his girlfriend's name on the butt. She was so embarrased, but he kept doing it... for hours on end. The next day he could barely walk. XD**

**Just thought that piece of information might be interesting. We don't have our own fields to hang out in, it was in the woods, and it almost got burned down, but that's about it.**

**Threw in that lemon, because... I wanted it. :) I've been doing research, as awkward as it is, I think I get the female body better, which is good for lemons.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Wow, two hundred Alerts and ten thousands hits! Thanks once again to my fabulous Beta Kitschisme. Go check out Between The Lines, it's an awesome story.**

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A beating tempo echoed in my head. A slight thumping followed by a pulse, that's what I could hear. It sounded like I was underwater, the distant sounds of the waves crashing compositely against my ears. The sound was muffled, but as I grew more aware of it, the louder it became. The thumping noise became an unbearable pulse in my head, and soon I was trying to figure out what it was.

My eyes were shut, that much I could tell, and my body felt rigid, but like gelatin at the same time. The sounds around me were sharp and piercing and I wondered what they were. A singing whistle flew from my left, and it left the sound stuck in my head, adding to the pulse. I could hear the ocean waves crashing with a new force, but this time with the added whistle.

It took me some time to figure out that it was chirping; and not a whistle from hell. And the reason it wouldn't go away, was because there were multiple sounds of this whistle, not just one.. Every sound around me became acute and sharp, and I would have been amazed if the sounds weren't piercing through my body and bringing a pain to my temples.

My muscles loosened infinitesimally as I began to feel for each limb. My hands felt grimy, and my legs were throbbing.. I could feel the skin of my legs and slowly deduced that my pants were off. Good, it was hot anyway. My eyes were the only thing that my nerves couldn't find. But that was okay, because I could see red through them.

I brought my hands to my eyes and manually opened them one by one. I was in a tent, the thick walls covered the sun, but the zipper to the door was open. The sun peeked through and crossed through the little space inside. The painful throbbing in my head forced my eyes closed again and I groaned..

"Welcome to Hangover Hell." I faintly heard from the direction of the door. I covered my head and peeked out. Edward sat on his sleeping bag, a cup of water in one hand, and a bottle of Aspirin in the other.

I swallowed and found that my throat was completely dry. Not only that, but I could taste stale beer in my mouth. I groaned again and closed my eyes tightly. The pounding behind my eyes was unbearable and I stuck my hand out for the Aspirin. With a chuckle, Edward put two capsules in my hand and I shoved them in my mouth, dry swallowing them both painfully. It felt like cotton was on my tongue, but the taste of beer made me feel sick.

I sat up immediately and rushed out of the tent and into the grassy area behind the tent. My stomach heaved until everything inside was out. There wasn't much and my body shook with the need to retch it up. I'd never had a hangover this bad.

"Can I have another?" I mumbled as Edward swept my hair out of the way.

"Drink something first." I saw the green tent to my left start to shake and Emmett walked out. He looked sallow and I could see his bloodshot eyes from where I was crouched on the ground.

He was still in his yellow boxers, and he had somehow managed to end up in a bra, too. He looked terrible with stubble growing and the way he was limping. I chugged the water down and then swallowed another two pills before I stood up and made my way to one of the logs around the fire pit.

Jasper was lying on the ground, his head in Alice's lap and his eyes closed. They both looked tired, and Alice had a huge hickey on her neck. Rosalie was sitting on the log across from me, holding a mirror and putting on massive amounts of concealer under her eyes. I could see the dark bags under her lashes.

Edward seemed to be the only one who wasn't in pain. He was taking pictures of Emmett with his phone, laughing while we all looked around in a daze. It was almost comical compared to the loud laughter and banter of last night, while we all were quiet and disoriented now.

"Okay, we now know that when Emmett and Jasper start to do the Can-Can, that we've all had too much to drink." Rosalie stated once she finished putting on her face. Jasper nodded his head, and Emmett groaned, plopping down in the dirt.

"I don't remember that. I remember what we did in that tent—"

"Emmett!" Rosalie threw her mirror at him. I shook my head, glad that I'd passed out before I could hear any noises. Edward grimaced, and something told me that he was not as lucky. Alice touched her neck and glared at Jasper's closed eyes.

"Well at least he didn't leave a giant, ugly bruise on your neck." Her face twisted as she touched it and she pushed Jasper off her lap.

"I'm sorry! It's not my fault, though. I don't even remember anything!" Jasper sat up and crossed his legs. He put his head in his hands and groaned.

"Yeah, well, that's nothing compared to this." Emmett stated gravely. All of our eyes turned to Emmett and he was grimacing, looking as if he would cry. He held out his leg and his knee seemed to be swelling. "Thanks to that damn Can-Can I might have pulled something."

"No!" Rosalie gasped. Emmett was the star of the football team. He always pulled through and managed to bring home a win. He was a quarterback, but also a defenseman. Not only that, but this was the last game of the season. It didn't mean much to me, but to a football player and a cheerleader, it was… life amoung the student body.

Emmett put his head in his hands, and at the same time Jasper pulled his up. "What are you gonna do, man?"

"I don't know." He moaned. I sighed and went back inside my tent. I began to pack my things and change my clothes. I was still only in my underwear, but no one seemed awake enough to question it.

Little pieces of last night started to crawl through my head. I remembered the Can-Can, and Emmett doing a strip show – unfortunately. I remembered getting up and needing to go to the bathroom. And then Edward… but it got fuzzy there. I closed my eyes as I began to pack, and tried to force my memories back in place.

"No pants?" I turned my head and saw Edward staring at my rear. I smiled and wiggled my hips. Ugh, the movement jostled my stomach and I rolled back onto my sleeping bag.

"What happened last night?"He looked up at me, his smile gone, and raised his eyebrow.

"You don't… remember?" I shook my head and smiled sheepishly.

"No, not really. I had to go to the bathroom, and it cuts off there. I remember you were with me, but nothing more. I didn't do anything stupid, did I?" Edward stared at me warily, his mouth in a hard line, and I began to panic. "Oh god, what did I do?"

"Not much,"

"Don't lie to me." I narrowed my eyes and he sighed, sitting down across from me.

"You want all the details, or just a quick overview?"

"Um…" I hesitated. Did I want to know? I didn't remember anyway, so why would I need details? "Overview?"

"Okay. You were sexually repressed, so I fingered you." Blush covered my cheeks before I even had time to concentrate on what he'd just said.. And then it all hit me.

His heady scent and the vivid dreams from the other night replaying in my head until I was drenched uncomfortably. He'd followed me into the woods, and the only thing that I could concentrate on were thoughts of his skilled fingers… the way he worked me. I gasped, and flamed even more before hiding my face in my sleeping bag. Why god, why?

"Sorry," I squeaked.

"I'm not complaining." I could practically hear the shrug and grin in his voice. Could I really be blamed? I _was_ drunk after all. But couldn't a drunk driver be blamed for a car accident? "Really, Bella, it's fine. Get packed up and let's get out of here.

--

Edward, Rosalie and Alice ended up being the only ones able to drive. We'd managed to pack everything up, and started to head home. My head was pounding, and I could feel all my pulse points throbbing.. God, I was never going to drink again.

"Are you going to the game tonight?" Edward asked as we made our way to my house. He put on the right turn signal, and parted ways with the cars behind us.

"Shouldn't we? I mean, we have to support Em and Rose, right?"

"I think he's going to blow it off. It'd be better not to show up than go and sit on the bench, in his book anyway. But we should, he'll probably go. The coach is his math teacher, so in order to pass; he's got to at least show up." I nodded my head and closed my eyes.

I honestly hated football games. They were boring, and everyone drank and smoked under the bleachers. Usually teachers didn't bother going back there, they weren't at work for the few who went. It was also the fact that I'd usually get stuck by myself. Jasper and Alice would go somewhere to make out, and Edward would hit on the cheerleaders.

We pulled onto my road I'd noticed the cruiser was gone, and Reneé's car was sitting idly in the driveway. Why couldn't they have switched paces? I stepped out of the car and Edward followed suit. With the engine turned off, we walked up the stone pathway to the house.

There was faint mumbling through the door. I recognized my mom's voice, and I used my key to undo the lock. When the door was open, I could clearly hear her. Edward stood behind me as we entered the house, the sounds of pots and pans clattering led us to the kitchen. My mom had the phone on her shoulder and was scowling at the pans in her hand.

"Of course, Charlie, don't you worry, you'll have your damned meal when you get home! It's not like you can show any gratitude towards me." She paused, and then put the pot in her hand on the small stove. "Well why don't you learn how to cook? Or better yet, do something more useful than going out fishing every weekend!"

"Not this again." I whispered, tugging on Edward's jacket. He was still beside me, but hesitant to leave. This wasn't the first time; no, not even close. My parents had fought with each other since I was a little kid.

"You're never home as it is! If you're not at the station then you're down in La Push with all of those no good men!" she groaned loudly and then raised her voice even more. "Don't you dare yell at me! You're the one who's never here, you have a daughter, you know. Do you even spend time with her? When was the last time you paid attention to her? For gods sakes when was the last time you paid attention to _me_?"

I pulled Edward up the stairs with me, wanting to leave before I heard too much, like always. They'd been this way since I was seven, always fighting, but it had changed… a little. They used to whisper when they fought, always face to face. Now they always fought over the phone, they'd never look at each other when they were home. I convinced myself it was better that way.

They were still together, and I'd assured myself that that was still a good sign. I pulled Edward with me; I made a B-line to my room as soon as I hit the top step. I could hear Reneé's voice getting louder, more aggravated. How many times had I walked in on her screaming at Charlie and then acting as if nothing had happened when she saw me? Far too many to count.

"Sorry about that." I mumbled.

"Don't be," his voice was a whisper while he went to the small speakers across the room. I sat on my bed and laid on my stomach, listening to faint noises of my mother's conversation.

She had resorted to name calling, her voice was calling out every foul name that came to her mind. It was drowned out by quiet guitar rifts floating through the room, and accompanied by a comfortable weight on my left side. Edward flopped on his stomach next me and put his head on his arms.

"You're eyes are _so_ bloodshot." His grin was wide and very taunting. "I think I'm the only without a hangover, that's a change isn't it."

"Um hum, you're usually the one that drinks too much and gets in fights." I closed my eyes and let my head sink into the pillow. "I think we should go to the game tonight." I held back my grimace and buried my face in the pillow. "Rosalie still has to go, and Emmett wouldn't leave her."

"Ah, you've conceded to martyrdom. I know how much you love to watch a bunch of meat-heads run around and pummel each other.."

"Nah, if I wanted that I'd just get you drunk and make Jasper tell you Global Warming's not real."

"Hah!" he snorted, and then laughed dryly. We were quiet then, just the sounds of our breathing, and by Edward's deep, even breaths, I could tell he'd fallen asleep.

My eyes peeked open and I saw him laying there, his hair swept over his closed eyelids. His lips were parted lightly, washing his warm breath over my face, and his overall expression was just… peaceful. My quiet observations were broken through by Reneé stomping up the stairs and slamming the bathroom door, slinging things around. I heard the distinct sound of Tylenol pills, and then she came out and slammed her room door.

I sighed quietly, my eyes closing. My parents had never been the perfect role models, but they weren't _that_ bad. I mean, some parents in this town were caught with mistresses, or lovers, or extra boyfriends. My parents, as far as I knew, didn't have any outside affairs. It was hard to keep secrets in Forks.

It was especially hard considering my dad was Chief of Police; he knew everyone on a personal level. All the miscreants of the town were my dad's good friend's children. I tried to figure out when it started – the fighting – but I could only remember the first time I'd realized it was actually _fighting_.

I'd walked in on my mom and dad arguing in whispers one night. My dad was on the floor of their bedroom, and my mom and yelling at him. Ever since that day, I never went in there at night. I think that's why Charlie picked up so many extra shifts, to escape his family and the arguing that would ensue. He spent all his time at the station, sleeping over night, or down fishing. At first, it would seem he was just trying to get more money to support Reneé's shopping expeditions, but I wasn't stupid, I knew he was avoiding her, and ultimately me.

I stopped thinking, forcing the welling tears to flow into my pillow, and curled myself into a ball. I breathed deeply and quickly, forcing myself to sleep, and drifted into unconsciousness.

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**A/N: Aw, so sad. I kind of made Forks into my town. Everyone here gets drunk, high, or gambles away their money at football games, and a lot of people here are divourced or get caught in the act with another person. My neighbour is like that, she was sleeping with one of the people who paved my road a couple summers ago. I was wondering why it took close to a month.**

**Hangover hell's no fun. I can't tell you how gross it is to hold back someone's hair when their drunk and, um, discarding the contents of their stomach into the closest bush. I had to do that for my friend, who has long thick hair. Bleh, don't want to think about it.**

**I'd be so excited to get to two hundred and fifty reviews, it would make my week!**

**Don't forget to review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I love this chapter so, so, so much! Thanks again to fabulous and super amazing Beta, Kitschisme. Oh, and I think this is one of the longest chapters, close to six thousand words.**

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I'd woken some time later. The sky was beginning to darken my room, and the house was quiet. There was no one beside me anymore, and I sighed while sitting up. Edward's indentation was still in my mattress and my pillow, and I could smell him on my sheets.

I didn't feel as dizzy anymore. My head wasn't spinning, and there was only a light throbbing in my temples now. I slept through my hangover again. I smiled at that, sitting up from my bed and gathering my toiletries. I felt grimy from sleeping outside… and the small chunks of puke still in my hair.

I let the warm water loosen up my muscles and massage my skin. The water slid down in rivulets, melting away all my frustrations and thoughts. Besides sleeping, showering was my escape from the outside world.

After wrapping a big fuzzy towel around my torso and gathering my things, I walked back to my room. As soon as I opened the door, I let out a loud groan. Alice and Rosalie were in my room, flipping through my magazines and digging through my drawers. Rosalie was into my copies of _Vogue_ and _Cosmopolitan _while Alice was pulling out of articles of clothing.

I sighed and sat down on my bed. "Are you giving in?" Rosalie nearly shouted.

"It's not like I have a choice."

"You don't." Alice quickly added. She turned around and eyed me for a moment. Her brow scrunched up, and her eyes darted all over me. I squirmed under her gaze. "Rose, get the flat iron, and then the curling iron. And we'll need special occasion makeup."

Rosalie left my room and went down the hall to my bathroom. "What's the 'special occasion', Alice?"

She exhaled noisily and turned back to my closet. "Emmett's leg isn't _that_ bad, but he's not supposed to strain it, or that's what Carlisle says. But Emmett took that as an okay to play tonight."

"So the End of Season Game is the occasion?" I asked confused.

"Nope, if Emmett's leg falls off we might be in the newspaper." I gaped and she snorted. "Of course it's the game! Everyone in the school will be there, and some from the opposing team. Who knows Bella? Maybe you could get some action tonight." She started laughing and I blushed while looking down at my lap. If only she knew.

Alice pulled out a short brown skirt and a maroon V neck top. I groaned again. She had her own stash of clothing in my closet. The worst thing was that she knew I would never throw it out; those two articles probably cost more than my entire wardrobe. She threw something black and stringy onto the pile and I lunged for it..

"What the hell is this?" I spluttered holding out the lacy black… thing.

"Strapless bra... that shirt goes off the shoulders. You're not Jessica Stanley, and showing your bra straps was _never_ in style anyway." I picked up the bra and tossed it aside, and then picked up the other matching piece. "That's a thong, Bella. It's not at all risky; it's like a… conservative thong."

"Conservative thong? Are you crazy?"

"No, but if you want me to show you what a crazy person can do wielding a flat iron, then you keep standing there."

"Fine!" I threw my hands in the air, and Alice left down the hall and into the bathroom. I pulled on the bra first, noting how my chest looked freakishly enhanced. I grimaced and pulled on the thong.. Alice was right; it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.

I slid on the skirt, and then the three-quarter-sleeves-off-the-shoulder top. The label was French; that was all I could make out. I rolled my eyes and stepped out into the hall. I could hear the sounds of beauty bags being unzipped and irons warming up, and I stepped into the abyss.

* * *

By the time Alice and Rosalie were done with me, I had much more than hair and makeup done. Every surface of my body had been plucked or waxed, and the calluses on my feet were no more, filed until it was just soft, smooth skin. My hair had been straightened, and then curled at the tips, thanks to Rosalie. Alice had made my eyes light with blue eye shadow and brown eyeliner, and I was done.

Besides waxing, it wasn't all that bad. The only thing that bothered me was that they honestly thought I'd do something tonight. Even if I did, it wasn't who they would expect. They handed me a pair of flats, trying to get me into heels with my immediate decline, and we left.

I didn't bother saying goodbye to Reneé; she was knocked out in her room, and Charlie was still out at the station. I could only pray that he wouldn't show up at the game. The last time he was there, he'd made some remark about how Alice and Rosalie had dressed me. It was awkward to say the least.

We all loaded into Rosalie's car, Alice in the front and me in the back. She was going on about something revolving around Emmett's lack of self-care, to which Rosalie shrugged. She liked the unpredictability in Emmett. It was something new every time.

I stared out the window, watching the green shrubs fly by, and the familiar faces by their homes. It was all the same, but my stomach felt like it was slowly dropping. Alice and Rosalie didn't know what was happening between Edward and I. We had our secrets; out relationship was something that they couldn't comprehend. We were a packaged deal, with one came the other.

But somehow in all these years, it seemed like the deal had been marked down. Edward's… sexual appetite had brought others into our safe cocoon. The strange thing was that he'd never actually dated anyone. Anytime a girl asked him out, he would say no. And I'd assumed that any girl who slept with him thought they could change him.

Lauren and Jessica were unrelenting, in that they wouldn't stop. Neither would leave him – or me – alone. As I said, with one came the other. His troubles became mine, and it just so happened to be that Lauren and Jessica were his annoyance and my habitatual nemeses. Habitatual in the sense that in the social environment of high school, they were the predators and I was the prey.

I hated to think of myself that way. It always made me feel so damn weak. I mean, I couldn't fight or anything, I tripped over my own feet constantly, but still, I wasn't _that_ weak. But when I was compared to Edward…

We were a packaged deal after all. I grimaced at that. Did people compare the two of us? Did they see Edward as the desirable one, and me as the… lesser of the two? My heart had a little pang at the thought. The _lesser_.

Before I had time to hit on my self-esteem anymore, Alice was pulling my door open and dragging me out. The parking lot was full, and the street lamps were on all over. The sun was beginning to set, making the sky a dark purple with opposing pink rays shining through. I walked along side Alice and Rosalie, tugging on the hem of my skirt.

"Stop that," Alice grabbed my hand and held it firmly in her own. "It's supposed to go mid thigh."

"This is _way_ too short! What were you thinking? We'll be sitting on bleachers all night. What if someone sees something!?" Rosalie covered her mouth with her hand, trying to quiet her laughing.

"Isn't that the point? Come on, Bella! Lighten up a bit. Go around and talk with some of the guys." She ran off then, going down the side of the field with the other cheerleaders in uniform. The girls started to squeal and get in line for practice.

I shook my head and glared at the ground. Alice still had a death grip on my hand, and started to drag me around. Eventually we were walking side by side, looking around for the guys. We both spotted Emmett at the same time. He was big and hulking, stretching his muscles and grimacing.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked once we were close enough. Her grip on my hand loosened and we both went to join the circle the boys had made. Edward looked impassive and then smiled.

"He's going to play tonight. Even though he's on order not to. Bet you wish you never did the Can-Can."

"It's all Jasper's fault! 'Hey, I'm gonna do the Can-Can and jump around like an idiot!'"

"And you joined him." I threw in. Jasper started laughing loudly, his arms holding onto his sides and Alice smacked shoulder hard enough to make him wince.

"Whatever," Emmett waved his hand. "The game's about to start anyway. Unless I'm running with my leg hanging by a thread, don't tell anyone I'm injured. Suicide pact right here."

Everyone rolled their eyes simultaneously, but Emmett put his fist in. Jasper put his fist in, then Alice, Edward and I did the same. He ran off – to the side of the field – and found Rosalie. I shook my head and pursed my lips to keep from laughing.

"Let's go see what they're cooking in the parking lot." Alice tugged on Jasper's arm and they were off. They were enveloped in the crowd, and I turned back to Edward.

He was staring at my legs when I faced him. The blood that rushed to my cheeks was enough to make me feel lightheaded. I hadn't felt this awkward since flirting with Mike. A shiver ran down my spine at the thought.

"Edward!" His head snapped up, and he grinned sheepishly.

"You don't usually wear skirts." I rolled my eyes and grabbed his sleeve, tugging him to follow me. There was only one place I wanted to be, even though I'd made a vow never to drink again. In order to survive this night, I'd at least need a buzz.

Edward eventually pulled away from my grip and followed along beside me. We walked under the first set of bleachers, ignoring the clouds of cigarette and drug smoke. Some of the kids on the floor were laughing hysterically, while others looked like they were in their own world..

Once we were gone from there, we made our way past the "gamblers" as they were called. I'm not sure when gambling became a problem here, but at sports games you'd see them all over the place. Even teachers hit these areas; it gave them something to do.

Edward stepped in front of me while we went over to the last set of bleachers. There was loud cheering coming from in front of us. Bottles were littered all over the ground, and piles of puke were already painting an ugly picture on the gravel. I cringed and moved closer to Edward's side.

"Embry!" Edward yelled through the noise. Embry suddenly appeared in front of us, a lazy grin spread over his russet lips.

"What can I do for ya'?" his speech was slurred and he looked like he was going to fall asleep. But that didn't fool either of us. Embry was known to be a violent drunk, just like most of the Quileute kids.

"You got anything left?"

"Um… maybe, that depends on what yur' willin' to trade." He raised one eyebrow high, but the other one followed suit.

"What do you want?" Edward sighed.

Embry pursed his lips and a lazy grin spread over his face. "How 'bout five minutes alone with Bella?" Edward turned away and clenched his fists.

"Not going to happen."

"Wait! Then how 'bout twenty bucks?" I rolled my eyes at the desperation in his voice. Edward turned around and fished out his wallet, throwing a twenty at Embry.

"All I got is some Bourbon."

"That'll do." I snatched the half-filled Dasani bottle from his hand and took a swig while coughing a little. "Easy there, Bella." Edward rolled his eyes and grabbed the bottle back before walking back the way we came.

I had a difficult time swallowing hard liquor. I had a more refined taste than anything else. I could drink champagne, wine, vodka, especially Smirnoff, but when it came to Mr. Jack Daniels, or Jose Cuervo, I was a pussy.

"They're starting!" Edward and I made our way to the furthest stand away from where we'd just been and took a seat. Emmett came out, followed by the rest of the team. They stood in a clean line and the other team came out.

Tall, tan, and muscular teenagers ran from the other side and formed a similarly straight line. The Quileute School had a perfect record for the season. They had yet to lose one game, and Emmett had been itching to take 'em on. I guess that's why he'd been so eager to go tonight instead of sitting out. If his leg did fall off, at least it'd make a nice memento.

The band started to play a choppy version of the National Anthem, and I took the time to take a couple more sips of Bourbon before I handed it over to Edward. The players stood for the Anthem and then turned to the other team. The referee called them in, going over rules and all that.

"Why don't they just fucking start?" Edward asked, downing the rest of the bottle before throwing it off to the side.

"Dunno'," I sighed. I was feeling buzzed. I'd only had a couple sips, but I still felt warm. Everyone got into position then. Tyler Crowley was shifting back and forth next to Eric Yorkie. I didn't even know why they let them on the team. Tyler was fast; he could run the ball, but if someone tried to come after him, he wouldn't move. And Eric was just… nonexistent on the field. He usually hid behind someone, until Emmett called him out and the coach replaced him.

"Are you ready for some football?" Edward sang beside me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and gave me a noogie.

"Ow! Yes, yes, I'm ready. Jesus." He chuckled and pulled away, whistling as Emmett bent over into a crouch before the other team. The cheerleaders piled on the side of the field and began screaming for the guys.

I saw Jessica and Lauren on one end, pointing at Edward, their shoulders shaking with giggles. I wasn't surprised. Edward had been with most of the cheerleaders, it wasn't a big shock or anything. None of then ever stuck around; they went from guy to guy. As bad as that sounded, most of them were kind people. They weren't the snobby stuck up girls that usually placate a cheer squad; but then again, this was Forks.

Edward was staring intently at Emmett, and I concentrated, too. If you weren't looking for it, you couldn't see that he avoided putting weight on his right knee. As soon as the whistle was blown, and the other teamed hiked the ball, Emmett was off. The rest of the team took out after him.

One of the linebackers from the Quileute team came from the side to tackle Emmett and hit Mike Newton. The crowd let out a collective "ooh!" at the hit, and Emmett tackled Jacob Black to the ground. The ball went rolling onto the field.

"Holy shit! Did you see that? Newton just got nailed!" Edward was laughing hysterically, his hands clutching his side as Alice and Jasper came up to us.

"What did we miss?" Jasper asked his mouth full of… something.

"Newton just got pummeled to the ground by number nine!"Jasper looked at the scene on the field and started laughing. Alice took a seat by me and rolled her eyes.

She gave me half of her burger and we watched as Mike was helped up by Eric and Tyler. There was blood pooling in the nook above his lip from his nose and I turned away.

"He's bleeding, too!" Edward was howling in laughter while Jasper was nearly choking. Ugh, ribs.

"What's got Edward so giggly?" Alice asked me. She raised an eyebrow in the direction on Edward and Jasper laughing at a disorientated Mike Newton.

"Bourbon." I shrugged. Alice and I finished eating, and _tried_ to watch the game. Jasper and Edward would make commentary on the game, laughing at either the players or the cheerleaders on the side of the field.

Lauren kept looking over at Edward. It was obvious she was trying to get his attention, and I figured I'd be fending for myself tonight. As hard as it was, I tried to keep my eyes from where they were.. It was… disgusting the way they acted.

My eyes somehow pulled themselves back to the side of the field. I regretted it instantly. Jessica caught my gaze and tugged on Lauren's arm. When they both saw me again, they flipped me the bird, mouthing the word 'slut'.

"What the hell is that about?!" Edward yelled beside me. My head snapped toward his direction, wide eyed and he was looking at me. Jasper was still yelling at the football players, but Edward's eyes were… pissed.

"Um… what?" he grabbed my wrist and yanked me off the bleachers, pulling me behind a small alcove beside the field. "What the hell? The game's almost over!"

"Like I give a shit, what the hell was that about?" his hands went to my shoulders and shook me.

"I don't know!"

"Like hell you don't. How long?" he pushed me back into the wall, limiting my chance of escaping. His eyes were blazing. Determination was brewing and it almost scared me at how intense he was.

"Ummm…" I hesitated. He moved closer, his palms pressing against the wall on either side of my head.

"How long have those two been doing shit like that?"

"You're drunk, Edward. You're being irrational.."

"I am _not_ drunk." He seemed offended by that. "I had no more than you did, I'm barely buzzed! Now answer the question."

"I don't know, a couple weeks. Since you were… with them, I guess." I shrugged, but my shoulders shook a little. He pulled a hand from my shoulder and ran it through his hair.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he sounded upset, not so much angry, but just… disappointed. He leaned against the wall across from me and stared at me warily.

"You didn't need to be bothered with it." My eyes were downcast, looking at the dirt beneath me. "They got to be closer to you… and you liked it, so, I just didn't think anything of it." He scoffed and I could hear him rolling his eyes. He was predictable to me, and that made my stomach flutter. _To me_.

"What do you mean closer to me? I hate them. I've been blowing them off for weeks. It was a horrible one time mistake that I'll never live down. What are you thinking, Bella?"

"They make it seem like you're always with them!" I yelled, my head pulling upwards to glare at him. He didn't look angry or frustrated. He sighed and put his hands in his pocket. My stomach sank.

"Who do you believe?"

"Excuse me?"

"Who do you believe? Me or them, Bella? Look up the facts of it. When am I not with you? When am I not with Jasper or Emmett? I haven't done anything with them." His mouth pressed into a hard line and I moved a little closer to him on instinct.

"Do you think about them, though?" I whispered. "Do you think about what they did?" His face twisted up, and I couldn't bring myself believe that he never thought about them. It was impossible not to think about someone who had been so close.

His mouth opened up and he tried to speak. I pushed forward as he breathed half of the first word. His back hit the wall and my lips attached to his. His hands moved to my waist, pulling me backwards, but I stood my ground. Soon enough he was kissing me back, his hand pulling my hips _into_ him. Against my stomach was the fruit of my labour.

My hands trembled as they ran down his chest, my jaw shaking just as badly. Breathing in through my nose, I moved my hands lower. My cheeks were on fire and I kept my eyes closed. If he was looking at me I couldn't do this. I wasn't sure if I could do this to begin with.

When the cool metal of his belt hit my hand I drop to my knees in front of him. Our lips pulled away from each other with a smack. I was nearly panting as I got the leather through the buckle and then started to work on the button.

"Bella, what the hell—" my hand purposely brushed against the straining in his pants and he hissed. I managed to shimmy his pants to his thighs before he ran his finger through my hair and tilted my head up.

The roots of my hair ached as he moved our gaze to meet. "What?" I asked.

"What are you doing?" his voice was strained, his eyes half-lidded. I moved my palm over the fabric of his boxers, feeling the heat of his erection on my skin. He didn't object further while I worked him through his boxers.

His fingers twisted into my hair and rested there. I bit my lip and pulled the elastic at his waist down to where his pants were. I think I gasped, maybe I squeaked, but I felt dizzy at the very sight. It was… different from what I expected. Sure, I'd seen glimpses, knowing someone for fifteen plus years ensured that.

But it was nothing like the pictures in health. Even when I'd seen it on the internet or in magazines it was never… like _this_. Seeing a dick right on front of you takes away all previous preconceived notions and created new one. Even through my shock and nervousness I could feel the slow seeping in my panties.

The longer I stared at Edward's dick the harder it got. Soon it was standing at full attention right in front of me. It didn't occur to me that I had to do something until I heard Edward groaning in frustration, his hips moving in a rhythm and his fingers digging harder into my scalp.

Taking my index finger, I traced a line from base to tip. A deep moan left his lips, sending a vibration through my body. I wanted him to do it again. I touched the tip this time, my finger tracing the slit and I felt small liquid rub onto the pad. Curiosity took over me in an overwhelming feeling. Awkwardness was replaced by exploration, and even though the blush on my cheeks was beginning to make sweat bead on my forehead, I leaned forward.

I licked where my finger had previously been and Edward gasped above me. I could see the muscles of his stomach contracting and his perfectly defined pubic bone moving with each minute sway of his hips. I focused on the reddish brown hair trailing to his belly button as I took him in.

The head of his erection slid easily into my mouth. The taste was salty sweet and I pushed my tongue against it. My fingers raked up the side of his shaft and I forced my head further. I only got an inch or two past the soft head of his erection before I couldn't take anymore. My gag reflex wasn't the best. It couldn't be possible to fit him entirely in anyone's mouth, could it?

Regardless, I tried to move further, using my hands to stroke him as I started the process of bobbing my head. His hands pushed harder onto my head with each swipe. Pulling my head off, I used my hands to move the moisture down his shaft and spread it along. Guys who spoke casually about sex always complained about dry handjobs; I couldn't afford to be bad.

A pearl of white beaded on his tip and I watched as more slowly came out. Precum? Was that what they'd called it? I breathed in deeply while I let my hands work. Stupidly, I chanced a look at him. He was staring at me, his eyes half open and panting. I blushed further; the darkness of his emerald eyes was searing.

Quickly, I looked away and licked the head again. I took the bead into my mouth and my eyes widened. I'd forgotten it was there, but the taste was strange. It was salty, but also bland. It didn't taste like sugar or anything else that girls blabbed about. I swallowed it and put my mouth back over him, enveloping him again.

"Fuck, Bella… oh God…" He swallowed and a whimper escaped his lips. I worked my hands below my mouth. "Ah!" I brushed along the underside and made contact with his balls. Edward's hips kept moving, pushing him further into my mouth, I winced.

Soon enough I figured out a rhythm. He would thrust forward and I'd pull back, and then push again. He began moving harder, his fingers knotted into my hair, pulling at the roots, but the drenching in my panties came rushing with each tug.

It was strange how instinct came over me. I didn't go off of what others had told me or what I'd heard, but took in recognition. Every part came naturally, and though it was awkward at first, and I had no doubt that it would be afterwards, I still felt like this was what happened between a man and a woman.

"Oh God, Bella… I'm gonna… I'm…" I wrapped my lips around the tip and pumped with my hands wildly. He stiffened inside of my mouth; the veins around his shaft grew hotter and started to throb.

His erection jumped beneath my touch and I could feel hot liquid shoot into the back of my throat. It slid down and I swallowed out of instinct before I pulled away and spit the rest out into the weeds growing from the gravel.

Slowly, his erection became flaccid and limp. Edward's fingers left my hair slowly. I could feel some of the hairs ripping from my scalp, but the high I was on was affecting me. Pulling his pants up, I stood and brushed off my knees. Edward didn't move for a long time, his head was leaned back against the wall and he was still breathing heavily. Was that good or bad?

His finger moved to his belt and pulled it through the buckle and then fixed the zipper. I ran my fingers through my hair and straightened myself out. My knees had imprints of rocks set in and there was dirt covering my legs.

"Bella, that was incredible." His head fell forward and he had a wary grin on his face.

"Um… thanks," I mumbled. He flicked his thumb over the corner of my mouth and a drop of white was on his hand. I flushed and spluttered before he wiped it away and walked out of the nitch we were in.

When we walked out, we were just in time to see the two teams in a line shaking hands. Emmett was limping, but he had an enourmous grin on his face. Mike Newtown's face was covered in dried blood and he looked like he was going to cry.

I followed Edward along the black path to the bleachers where Alice was waving over Rosalie. Jasper had grin the size of Emmett's on his face. I would never understand boys' obsession with football.

"Where were you guys? You missed it!" Jasper yelled, throwing an arm around Edward and regaling him with what happed. "Emmett ran the last touch down. You should'a seen him man! He was like a bull and he plowed right through Paul and Jared and scored. I thought his leg was gonna pop off!" The colour in Jasper's cheeks was enough to tell we hadn't been the only ones drinking.

"So where were you, Bella?" Alice asked, her head tilting to the side.

"You know I hate football." I shrugged. Her mouth opened but she shook her head and smiled when Emmett's voice came booming out over the crowd.

"Did you see that?! I kicked ass!" Rosalie was hanging on his arm, the game ball in the other. "Someone better have caught that on tape."

"I got the AV kids to record the whole thing." Jasper smirked, folding his arms over his chest. "Aw, shit. Alice, I gotta take you home or else your dad's gonna bite my head off. See ya guys later."

"Bye!" Alice sang, grabbing onto Jasper's hand, which consequently held the keys to his car. Emmett turned to the rest of the crowd, taking congratulatory slaps on the back in stride. Rosalie was soaking up the moment, sticking to his side.

"Edward!" I cringed and clenched my teeth. The nasally pitch and shrill giggle that flowed into my ears made bile rise in my throat.

I turned to my side. Edward was right next to me, his hands in his pockets and grimace on his lips. Lauren came running up, Jessica by her side and they sickly hung onto Edward's arm. Lauren threw nasty looks my way, her sneer making my chest constrict. I felt like an idiot.

What was I _thinking_? Did I honestly think he'd forget about them? Was that why I got on my knees for him? He couldn't forget about them. They were different from me. What was the point?

And so I turned and walked away. I didn't hear anything or see anything, I just walked away. I'd made a fool of myself enough for one night.

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**A/N: I think that was one of the longest scenes I've done for a head scene. O.O I interviewed someone again! I interviewed my boss again and she went into great detail (even drawing diagrams) of what it was like. She described texture, taste, and feel. It was awkward for me, but she was really into it, she used to her hands to describe certain parts. I'm now scared of penises. I also talked to my best friend, who reasured my little faith in them, so I'm back to where I started. :)**

**I was affronted by what to call a penis, because obviously, it would be weird to call it a penis in here, so I went with the lesser of two evils, 'dick' which is a fun word to say.**

**Okay, now that I'm done being a awkward potty mouth, I have to say, THANK YOU! I got_ more_** **than the amount of reviews I asked for. I think I have two seventy at the moment. Thank you so much! It really made my week. :)**

**Don't forget to review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: ****Thanks to Kitschisme for being an awesome Beta.**

**Tada! After a week long wait I think this is what everyone was waiting for.**

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Her fucking _mouth_. The set of her mouth was a dead give away. Even though those full perfect lips were sucking on _my _dick, I still knew them better than anything. And Jesus, that was the single greatest moment of my life. Better than getting high, or getting drunk without the regretful kisses. It was pure bliss.

And I'd have given anything to go back to that moment. But instead I just lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling. She just _left_! I wasn't even sure how she got home. But when I went to her house that night, her blinds were closed and the window was locked. She didn't _want_ to see me. She had purposely locked me out.

I knew why she left; it was those damn _sluts._ I couldn't even find it in myself to reprimand my brain for calling a girl a name. I was being neglectful to her. I hadn't thought much of what was going on. Bella never got into trouble, she never got into fights and she _never_ kept secrets from me.

"Fuck it," I groaned sitting up. I wasn't going to just sit here and ponder shit. Bella was my best friend, but she was a girl. Girls messed with guys' heads all the time. I slipped on my shoes and walked out the front door, not looking at my mom who was trying to ask me where I was going.

She hadn't called me all day. Every time I texted, called, e-mailed or went over her house she didn't answer. I'd have to be forceful. I wasn't going to be lenient while she played mind games with me. If I was supposed to feel sorry for something I didn't know that I did, it wasn't going to happen.

I pulled my car to the curb a couple blocks away. I was going to do something I hadn't done since eighth grade. Putting my hand under the eave, I pulled the spare key out. The key slipped into the lock easily and I pushed the door up so it wouldn't squeak. I only opened it about six inches before I squeezed myself through.

The dark house looked the same. Everything seemed to be still placed, and I could see remnants of myself here. Graduation pictures, baby pictures, birthday party pictures and everything in between littered the fireplace mantle just like at home.

I smiled a little and walked up the stairs quietly. I skipped the fourth, sixth, twelfth, and fifteenth step and successfully made my way into the hallway without making a sound. I breathed out a sigh as I managed my way onto the floorboards. Fuck, was it the ninth to the right, or ninth to the left? I chanced a move in favour of god and stepped on the floorboard under the cross.

And the damn thing screeched.

I stood still, listening to the room I was standing in front of. I didn't hear any movement, but Charlie and Reneé could have been listening. I put my hood up and pulled down the sleeves, ready to bolt. I still didn't hear anything.

After ten minutes I made a move. I balanced my weight off of the floor and quietly jumped to the end of the hallway. My heart slowed down and I opened Bella's door. Her back was facing away from me and she was in one of my shirts. I shut the door and took off my shoes before making my way over. The blinds were still closed, she'd even put safety pins in them to stay together. That pissed me off; I tore them out and unlocked the window before throwing it open.

She didn't move an inch, her body still rising and falling evenly with each breath. I kneeled in front of her, my hand brushing the hair out of her face. She didn't move. I pursed my lips and shook her a little. Still nothing.

"Bella," I whispered. Her shoulders hunched and she sighed, but nothing more. "Isabella, wake up." And because she couldn't deny anything I told her to do, her eyes fluttered open and then widened before she pushed her arm out. I think she was trying to hit me, but I pushed my hand over her mouth before she could make a sound.

"Mmf!"

"Calm down! It's just me, now shut up and stop biting me." Her teeth retracted from my skin and she glared. "Good girl." I moved my hand away and pushed her down.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she whispered. I mentally rolled my eyes. Did she honestly think I would stay away? Instead of blowing off her question I moved her over and lay down beside her.

"I came to see what the hell was wrong with you. You just walked away on Friday, you didn't talk to me all yesterday, and I'm not picking you up tomorrow morning in a pissy mood, Bella."

Instead of retorting with something, she pushed me – hard, so that I almost fell off the bed. "You were more than occupied with Lauren and Jessica. I'm sure you enjoy their company more than mine anyway."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" I screamed, and then shut my dumb ass up. There was a stutter of a snore next door and then it resumed.

"It's just Charlie; he won't hear or wake up." She rolled her eyes. "And no, I'm not kidding you." She turned away from me and rolled on her side in a dismissive move.

I ground my teeth and glared at her back. What the hell was her problem? Why was she doing this, acting this way? What in seven hells would possess her to act this way—

"Holy shit," I gasped. Bella turned a little to look at me. "You're _jealous_!"

"I am not!" she screamed. I pushed my hand over her mouth.

"You are. I've seen jealous girls a lot; you're acting exactly like them. Why the hell would you be jealous? That's so stupid." I whispered.

"No, Edward, it's not stupid." Tears started to well up in her eyes and my chest constricted. I _hated_ when she cried. "I am jealous, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? Does that make you feel better and do you understand?"

"No—"

"Of course you don't! You're a guy, you wouldn't understand." She pushed against my chest and I twisted so my hands landed on the floor while my lower half was still on the bed. After pulling myself up, I grabbed her wrists and pinned them above her head.

"You need to stop doing that." I hissed. She glared and tried to move her wrists. She should have _known_ that wasn't going to work. "Why the hell are you jealous? Just tell me."

"You're supposed to be my best friend." She growled.

"I am." I stated dumbly.

"How do you think I feel when you leave me to go sleep with a girl that I hate? How do you think I feel when that girl continuously comes up to me and talks about you? And how do you think I feel when it's not just one girl, but a few different ones? You're supposed to be my best friend but we share inequality. I want what you give them." She wasn't crying anymore, but still breathing heavily. She was looking me square in the eye and I swallowed.

"What do you mean?" I asked hesitantly.

"I don't want to play around anymore. I want you to just do it. Here and now, just do it." My mouth popped open and my pants became tighter. Fuck, that wasn't supposed to be my reaction. I shook my head and let go of her wrists, but that was a bad idea.

She pushed me back and straddled my waist. God fucking dammit, she wasn't wearing any panties. She sat directly on my erection and started riding me through my clothes. I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes. I needed to control this situation. My hands went to her hips and I held her still.

"No, Bella, not like this." I mumbled my voice cracking.

"Wasn't this going to be the end result? Did you just intend to do foreplay tactics until the day I went to college? It was fun, Edward, I get that, but I just want it over with."

"You'll bleed." I gasped, her hips moving roughly against my hands. If I held her any tighter she'd be bruised.

"I don't care," she whispered, her hands going to mine and started to grind into me. My eyes rolled back into my head and I sat up.

She was still on my lap, grinding against me and panting. I pulled my oversized shirt up and off of her. If she wanted me to take her right here, I'd make it a moment she'd never forget. My tongue touched her nipple and I began to bite it. My right hand grabbed her tit roughly and I squeezed it like I'd dreamed so many times. She threw her head back, her jaw locked. It'd probably be wise not to wake up daddy while I was fucking his daughter.

I left hickies all around her chest, big and red. They'd be bruised up by the time the night was over. Her hand had somehow managed to get my hoodie off and started to tug at the shirt I was wearing. I slipped it off and threw her onto her back. She was blushing. Huh, _now_ she takes the time to be embarrassed. Too late to play that card.

I grabbed either of her knees and pulled her legs open. She was completely _drenched_; her juices were glistening in the moonlight. I licked my lips on impulse. My hand pulled my belt off in a quick motion, loosening the confines of my erection. I let out a sigh of relief..

My finger moved up her slit and I took along the gathering juices. God, I could smell her, and it was divine. I dropped my body and put her legs over my shoulders. I didn't hesitate, there was no point. I wanted her, and I wasn't going to stop for anything. Her father could have walked in with a loaded shot gun and nothing could stop my tongue from immediately diving in.

I groaned on contact. Her warm wetness enveloped my tongue and I moved to her clit while I shoved my fingers inside of her. Her moans and whimpers were muffled by something. As long as she wasn't screaming it was fine. I put her clit between my teeth and bit it gently. Her body began to spasm under my touch.

Her hips were moving into my face, and I buried my fingers into her deeper. I played with her clit roughly, and she seemed to like that. I almost laughed; I'd figured her for a simple missionary girl. I was learning a lot about Bella that I didn't know…

I was throbbing by the time I felt her tightening around my fingers with each thrust. If she was going to bleed I'd make her as close to her orgasm as possible. I stood up and slid my pants to the floor. I looked at her, spread out for me to take. Her chest was rising heavily, her teeth moved from a pillow she was biting.

I moved over her, wrapping her legs around my hips. We both leaned forward, but I turned away. Instead of kissing her, I avoided her gaze completely and tucked her head into the crook of my neck. I glared at the pillow in front of me and moved her body so I put the head of my dick in her. She moaned my name against my skin.

"Bite me when you feel pain." I warned, and with nothing more, I pushed into her. The tight skin around me slid and snapped.. I felt a rush of heat around me and held still. She sunk her teeth into my shoulder, enough to break the skin.

Blood for blood.

She screamed short and quick. It was hell to hold still inside of her. I wanted nothing more in my entire life than to push further and go wild. Her fingers were in my back, I could feel them tearing at the muscle, and it felt damn good. There wasn't enough pain in the world at the moment.

Her hips moved in the universal signal to go. I pulled out and her nails dug in further. I breathed in sharply before going back in, she whimpered, and I told myself it was out of pleasure, even though I knew that shit was the biggest crock I'd ever thought.

Her legs wrapped tighter around me and I moved faster, only a few thrusts in. I dropped my head forward and closed my eyes tightly, it _hurt_ not to move. My jaw trembled and she moved her hips again, I pulled out quickly and pushed back in faster. She moaned this time, no squeaks, shrieks, or whimpers, but a full out moan.

I almost smiled again, but I kept my focus as I continued with my thrusts. I made them harder and she fell to her back. She arched up and I kept my mouth occupied with her nipples. Bella went back to biting the pillow and screaming into it. Her fingers went into my hair and like reigns to a horse, I went faster and harder.

She was screaming into the pillow, tears forming at the creases. It was frustrating for her. The need to orgasm was being blocked out by the pain of a foreign invader. And that's what I was to her body. Because no matter how long I'd known her, this was the first time I'd been so deeply inside of her.

I didn't bother holding back. She wouldn't orgasm no matter what; she couldn't with me inside of her like this. Any other time she would have been screaming by now. Even though I'd never been with a virgin, I knew what went down.

I stiffened and exploded inside of her. I could feel an incredible rush flow through my body. She'd have _me_ inside of her first. I'd be inside of her, day and night for as long as my cum lasted in her. I actually smiled then, grateful for whoever invented birth control.

As soon as I pulled out of her, I put my fingers in. It seemed like her body just ignored the fact that I'd been inside of her, she felt just as tight around my fingers as before. But with the recognition of my middle finger, she began to squirm. I rubbed her clit with my thumb and watched her whole body shake with her orgasm. It was a beautiful sight in all honesty, the way she wriggled because of me.

Our bodies were covered in sweat and fluids from both of us. I sat on my knees and wiped the perspiration from my forehead. I was panting loudly, louder than Bella, but she was in a world of her own. Her sheets were drenched with everything from our activity.

I didn't say a word as I grabbed my jeans and slid them on, pulling my hoodie up my arms and throwing the rest in her closet. I threw the sheets over her and she sat up, only to wince. I felt a pang in my stomach and I swallowed it back.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Bella." I mumbled as I climbed out of her window, landing on the roof and then jumping down.

Before I got in my car, I looked at my shoulder. A bloody mess began to stain my shirt and I smiled at it. I laughed a little hysterically before banging my head against the door of my car.

Jesus Christ, I really had it bad.

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**A/N: Okay... maybe not what you'd expect... but I liked it, and I like writing it. I did research on this again. Not every virgin has a hymen, in all reality it's just a thin piece of skin that can easily be broken via horse back riding, or other things. **

**Also, most virgins don't "get off" their first time because of the drastic change of having a... um... you know in there. I read my best friend's dad's medical books, and I came across this one that was informative.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	10. Chapter 10

My stomach had perpetual butterflies. As pussy-shitted as that sounded, that's what it was. The better thing to say was that my stomach was tearing itself into pieces upon pieces. I looked in the mirror and saw nothing different about myself. All I could feel was pain shooting through my legs and hips.

My skin was pale and my eyes had dark circles under them. My hair was limp and lifeless, so I threw it up into a ponytail and put my hood up – _his_ hood up. I had bruises all over my skin from _his_ lips. My chest was purple and brown and some of it red. My lips were the only things that looked normal. But I wished they didn't.

Was sex supposed to make people feel better? It made me feel worse. I replayed the image of Edward going out of my window in my head over and over again. He didn't even stay around to see if I was okay…

And that was why I sat in my old Chevy truck in the school's parking lot fifteen minutes before it started. I left the house an hour early so I could avoid him. I couldn't take a painful car ride with him. He didn't even notice me in my truck as he pulled into school. I saw him looking, but I parked in the faculty lot and then moved it to the student section.

I couldn't avoid him for long, that much was obvious. I knew he'd be looking for me; neither one of us could just let this thing simmer. The longer it did the more we'd _think_ about it. I'd be the first to admit that my mind tended to get out of hand. I was an over thinker, and Edward hated that. But what the hell did he expect me to think when he just left?

I could hear the bell ring for first period and I stepped out of my truck. I went around building five and took the long way to the third. Once inside, I took my regular seat, and avoided Alice and Rosalie's stares. I didn't even bother listening to Jessica or Lauren talk loudly and obviously beside me. I blocked everything out and stared blankly at the board in front of me.

The pain that was shooting through my body kept me more than occupied. I would squeeze my nails into my palms once in a while, just to see if it would stop a little. It didn't work; I just had two more sore spots. My knees knocked together through most of class. I was afraid to walk.

And when that godforsaken bell rang, I wanted to just run out of the building. English went by just as Spanish did. I shoved my nose in the book and finished half of it by the time class was over. It was excruciating to go to my next class… so I didn't.

I walked right out of the building and to the bleachers at the stadium. The ground was mud beneath my feet but I trudged through it, sitting under the large metal structure and on the concrete beneath. It was cold and unwelcoming, but I felt the same: cold and unwanted.

Wrapping my arms around my legs, I buried my face into my lap. I began to shake violently, not from the cold, but from the clouds of confusion and fear swimming in my head. My best friend couldn't even look me in the eye. He didn't look at me once last night. He didn't say anything affectionate like in the books and movies. He didn't kiss me, or smile at me. I had expected . . . God, it was what I wanted. I just wanted it to be normal, for nothing to change.

I was a hypocrite, a stupid idiot who couldn't make up her damn mind. Tears stung at my eyes and fell down in steady torrents.. I sobbed and sniffled my heart out. It was what I expected! I wanted it to be like this! What was I thinking would happen? I knew this would be quick, I knew it would be painful… just not like…_ this_.

I prayed for a short moment: God strike me down, or be damned. Foot steps were a few feet away beside me, and I looked up. Be damned.

He was _standing _there, looking at me like I was a homeless person in need of a Random Act of Kindness. He looked at me with hard, sullen eyes, and he had bruises under them. Good, I was glad he'd lost sleep, too.

He took a step forward and sat on the concrete beside me, a few feet away. I wanted to punch him. Hard. It wasn't fair that I was so confused and hurt and he—

"I'm sorry." He murmured. He didn't look at me, and I kept my watery eyes on the field in front of me. "I messed everything up."

I cleared my throat, and when I spoke, my voice came out hoarse and cracked. "Takes two to tango."

"Doesn't help if one partner is a self-destructive asshole." He mumbled while pulling his legs up to sit Indian style.

"Or if one of them can't dance." He looked at me, but I didn't move my eyes to him.

"This was a mistake from the very beginning." My heart clenched in my throat and I swallowed it back. "I should've kept my damn mouth shut, and now look where it's gotten us. How bad are you hurting?"

I kept my mouth shut, not ready to speak just yet. My jaw wouldn't listen to me; it just hung slack. My throat was dry and there was something sticking in it that wouldn't allow me to speak. But my silence lead him on, knowing exactly what was wrong.

"Remember when we were in eighth grade and we were jumping off the couch wrestling?" I stayed silent. "You hit your arm on the coffee table and started bleeding everywhere. When my dad took you to the hospital they had to give you a transfusion and your arm was casted. You even spent the night, and I stayed with you." He sighed.

"What does that have to do with anything?" I asked, my throat finally clearing up.

"Remember what I told you?" I thought back to the time he was thinking of and remembered the white cot where we'd spent the night. My arm throbbed at the memory.

"You were sorry?" I tried.

"No, I said 'I'll never hurt you again as long as I live'. And that's been somewhat the truth. But last night, I hurt you worse than ever."

"Yeah, I know you did." I shot back. He stiffened beside me and turned his whole body to face me. So it was time already? I breathed in deeply and turned to him.

He looked terrible. His hair was sticking up everywhere; he'd been running his hands through it. He hadn't shaved the light peach fuzz that was coming around his jaw and chin. His skin was just like mine, sallow and pale from no sleep. His eyes were even rimmed with red and purple. He also smelled of body spray.

He hadn't gone home, just used someone's Tag so that he didn't smell like B.O. all day. His eyes were dark and guarded; I hated the expression he wore. I wanted to tear it all away and see him laughing and smiling and telling me perverted jokes and teasing me… but I couldn't make that happen.

"What needs to be said?" he asked. I held a straight face while my insides blanched.

"Why don't you figure it out? I'm sure it's not that difficult."

"I would if I could, Bella. I can't, though." He narrowed his eyes and the column of his throat expanded as he swallowed. "I don't fucking know, okay? I'm confused and I just want you to tell me! No more guessing games. Tell me, or don't tell me."

"It shouldn't be that difficult!" I screamed, lurching to my feet and wincing in pain at the shock that ran through my legs. "But I guess I see how not looking me in the eye and then abruptly leaving after 'Popping my Cherry' and having me sit wide awake all night wondering what the hell just happened doesn't strike a chord. I see that you really don't get it, Edward."

He stood up and looked me in the eye. "You _asked_ me to do it! You made up your mind and decided to straddle my dick. This was your decision. I'll take the blame, though. This whole thing is my fucking fault. I was selfish, I can admit that. Can you admit to your fault?"

I stood still, looking at him. My tongue wouldn't move when I opened my mouth. I snapped my jaw shut and then opened it again.. I had nothing to say.

"That's what I thought." He said, turning and walking away. I watched his back turn from me and into the parking lot.

I dropped to my knees on the spot. I buckled to the ground, whether from unnoticed pain or shock, I wasn't sure. I knew he was watching me, but I didn't look up. I waited for a few minutes, staring at the ground before the tears that were streaming down my cheeks were freezing over. My body was too numb to do anything. I ruined _everything_.

My eyes shut and I leaned into the cement I had been sitting on. "Strike me down or be damned." I whimpered.

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**A/N:** **I'm a bitch for not updating. :D**

**A lot of you were really harsh on the fact that Edward left her. Here's the thing, this AH, AU and OOC. Edward the _vampire_ has great self control and respect, Edward the human? Not so much. He got scared and all that, it'll be explained in the next chapter. I love the next chapter by the way, absolutely love it. I put Carlisle in it, too; that makes it like ten times better.**

**True story: I was playing wrestling with my best friend, Damien, (yes that's right, I used to watch wrestling every Monday and Friday night back when the WWF was around. I got Rob Van Dam's autograph) and I decided I was gonna do that Five Star Frog Splash thing, but I'm girly and petite so it doesn't work. Long story short, I bashed my arm on the table and lost a lot of blood. I still get made fun of for it.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I love this chapter**

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The house was empty when I got home. Esme left a note on the kitchen counter telling Carlisle that she went to get groceries. He wasn't here either; his shift didn't end for another couple of hours.

I ran upstairs first, going into my closet. I pulled off my sweatshirt and jeans from last night. I smelled terrible, and even worse with the spray on deodorant. I sprinted into the bathroom, throwing myself in the shower with cold water. It was fucking freezing, but the burning helped clear my mind.

The massive gash in my shoulder stung and started bleeding again. I bit my bottom lip and stuck my nails into the scab healing over it. I dragged my nails through it, making a bloody mess. That fucker couldn't go away yet.

The bottom of the shower was covered in blood and I started washing myself. The soap stung the most; I forgot completely about the cold water and worked the pain into my shoulder. I fucked everything up; I didn't deserve to be unscathed.

Bella had bled, but she'd sucked it up and did what she had to do. I, on the other hand, drank the night away and blended the pain and embarrassment with Jack Daniels. She couldn't even stand up; she wobbled until the point where she could have fallen.

Yeah, that was because of _me_. The thought made bile rise in the back of my throat. My body began to shake and heave. I could have sworn I was going into convulsions on the spot. Instead of falling to the ground, I reeled my fist back and smashed it into the shower tile.

The shattering and cracking made a sickening sound, and an even worse sound came from my hand. I could hear the snap before the pain shot through my arm. Oh Jesus H. Christ, I just couldn't catch a break!

I turned off the faucet and grabbed a towel before pulling a shirt over my head and a pair of jeans. My fingers wouldn't respond to me when I tried to move them. I grimaced and went to the freezer for a pack of frozen peas. I had wanted to bleed a little, but this was ridiculous.

Bella's face flashed in my mind, and I took that back. No, this was a suitable beginning for my punishment. I had a lot to recompense for.

After ten minutes of freezing my hand over and only gaining a little feeling in my fingers, I headed back out to the Volvo. The ride to the hospital was a long one. I had to think about what I was going to say… what I was ultimately going to _do_. What could I do?

What could possibly mend a friendship broken up by rash decisions ending in sex? Oh, but not only sex. I'd broken through my best friend's virginity and then just left to get drunk.

I was going to hell… and at this rate, I was sprinting there.

The hazy lights of gas stations and houses blew by me. I was going on instinct, trying to decide what the hell I was going to say. Soon enough I was at the hospital, sitting out front in a reserved spot.. My head fell forward onto the steering wheel and I took in a big breath of air.

Ready or not, here I come. The automatic doors opened up for me. The new receptionist was filing her acrylic nails. The light brown roots were barely visible beneath her fake blonde hair. Possible future candidate… if only I wasn't about ready to castrate myself.

As soon as she heard me approaching, she lifted her head up. A look of shock crossed her face. I didn't have to be a mind reader to know what she was thinking. She tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear and smiled at me.

"Can I help you?" She asked. Her voice was sugary sweet, almost babyish. Ugh.

"Yeah," – I looked at her name tag – "Carol, I need to see Dr. Cullen."

"Well, he just started his break. He'll be back on shift in twenty minutes." She seemed pleased by her answer, giving her twenty minutes of alone time with me. On any other day, that would have been a nice answer, but not today.

"That's fine; I know where his office is." I walked away from the front desk, ignoring her yelling to not cross the yellow line that led to the Doctor's lounge.

I walked through, nodding and smiling at my father's colleagues as I went along. I didn't bother knocking on his door, just walked in. He was sitting at his desk, leaning over a small stack of papers that was a contrast to the giant stack on the far end. The joys of being a highly regarded doctor: paperwork.

He looked up, his eyes narrowing in on my decrepit hand that was cradled to my chest. "Edward?"

"I think I broke it." I held up my hand and dangled it in front of me, throwing the peas in the trashcan.

He sighed before getting up and grabbing a black bag from a shelf. I plopped down on the large leather couch and he followed suit. His hands moved around my fingers and wrist. I could feel the skin straining and I gritted my teeth to keep from making any noises.

"Your wrist is broken, and a few knuckles. Your fingers have extensive bruising." He rotated my hand and I winced. "The bones up the arm got a shock, you'll need a cast."

I groaned a sigh. "I figured as much."

"What did you do?" He asked as he pulled some casting gauze from his bag. He drenched the gauze in some kind of alcohol and slowly applied the first layer of cushion while the gauze soaked.

"Punched a wall," I shrugged. He looked up at me, raising his eyebrows.

"Do you honestly think you can get away with that kind of answer? That pile there," he pointed to the stack on his desk, "needs to be read through and approved before I leave. And your mother wants to go dancing tonight."

"Sorry, didn't mean to bother you. I should have just wrapped a pillowcase around it." I grinned at him, trying to avoid his question.

"Spit it out, Edward."

"Fine," I moved my legs so I was sitting cross-legged in front of him. I worked up the courage to say what I came here to say. "I fucked up… big time."

Carlisle nodded, not taking his eyes from my arm. His hands started to apply the gauze around my arm. "Alright… what did you do?"

"I made a big mistake, and it – it um, involves Bella." That made him stop. He looked up at me with raised eyebrows. I knew what that expression meant, _what the hell do you mean?_

"Bella?" He asked incredulous. "You better not have influenced her into something bad, Edward."

"I know, dad, I know. That's the thing, I wasn't thinking if it was bad or not, I was being selfish and she followed along." I ran my free hand over my face and through my hair. "Okay, long, embarrassing and crazy story short, I… I—" I sucked in a deep breath.. "Slept with her."

Carlisle stopped. His face lifted and his eyes met with mine. He looked… pissed. His thumb pressed down on my uncased finger and I breathed in sharply. Okay, I deserved that. I deserved a lot worse.

"You did _what_?" He whispered.

"I slept with her. But there was a lot leading up to it. I mean, there was this whole plan and everything, but she got jealous and I was inconsiderate and then it just happened… last night. I spoke to her today, and she couldn't even look at me. She looked _past_ me while looking at me. I know I deserve a lot of shit for what I did, but I don't know how to fix it—"

"So you came here to ask me to patch up your friendship? That's not how it works, kiddo. You messed up, and now you have to take responsibility. I can't tell you what and what not to do. This is on your shoulders, and I hope you treated her well."

"That's the thing! I think we would be okay, but afterwards I was so… God, I don't know! I felt like I knew things were going to hell so I walked out." His eyes widened and his nostrils flared.. "Before you say anything, I already know I'm an idiot! I got scared and acted like a child and I deserve to be punished like one, but I hurt her more. I was scared, and I didn't take into consideration how she would feel. I just want to make her better. She doesn't have to talk to me ever again, but I just want her to understand—"

"Did you tell Bella what you're telling me?" Carlisle interrupted. I stopped my babbling and looked at him, my head cocking to the side a bit.

"Uh…"

"Do you see where you made a mistake? Well, another mistake?" He held up my fully casted hand and I pulled it back into my lap, letting the molding dry. "You came here for my advice, but you just came for me to say what you already knew. You're afraid, but how do you think she feels? Her best friend just walked out on her."

"I know. I really fucked things up." I ran my hand over my face and sighed.

"The right thing isn't always the most obvious, but when you look at the big picture it's usually glaring at you." Carlisle stood up and put a hand on my shoulder. "You've known Bella since you were a little kid; you should know how to fix this."

"Thanks, dad." And for the first time in years, my voice sounded completely sincere. I wasn't being condescending or false, but just truly grateful.

He smiled at me, and then sighed before grabbing the top stack of papers. I sprinted from his office and down the brightly lit sterile hospital. I ignored the receptionist and ran to my car. I wasted no time putting in my keys and pulling out. My bumper almost came in contact with the front of the car whose spot I'd been in. I grinned apologetically before flooring it out of the parking lot.

My free hand drove me to the high school while I let my right hand dry up. What the hell did I plan on saying to her? I ran through lines in my head, trying to figure out what to say to start this off. Did I just blurt everything out, or go for articulation?

Maybe I'd let her hit me a couple times so she could release some energy, she'd be a little easier to deal with then. My leg was bouncing quickly as I picked up speed to the school. I pulled into the high school lot with alarming speed.

My eyes scanned around the lot, looking for any sign of her. I resisted the urge to scream out her name. Alice was coming out with Jasper at the entrance of the school. I came to a screeching stop in front of them.

"Where's Bella?" I asked in a clipped tone.

"I thought she was with you." Alice raised an eyebrow. "She wasn't in last period; I thought you took her home or something."

"Thanks, Alice!" I yelled as I took off, pushing my fist into the horn to get people out of my way.

I took off and went down the narrow roads of Forks and past the freeway. The tree lined curbs were my guides as my stomach threatened to explode. I was biting my lip like a girl and inhaling in deep breaths, trying to control my pounding heart.

I pulled up in front of her house and sat idle for a few moments. My muscles were locked and tensed as I pulled the keys out. I didn't move, my adrenaline pumping throughout my body. I had to somehow work up the courage to get my ass out of my car.

I popped the door open, but still sat in the driver's seat. I could wing it. The best apology comes from the heart. My mom used to tell me that when I got in fights with her. Would it still count?

I breathed in one last calming breath before getting out.

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**A/N: I love emotionally distraught Edward. :)**

**Did you think I loved this because Edward and Bella would make up and have half naked sexy time? (I stole that from you Brigitte) It doesn't work like that. I keep saying it, this story isn't about romace. Friendship is the underlying key, and that'll take it to more than one thing at a time.**

**So, don't keep asking me if Edward and Bella are going to live happily ever after. Does it look like they are? Well, not right now. :/ I have a plan and ideas, you'll all forgive me in the end.**

**And how could I forget, Twilight comes out on Friday! I get to go Thursday. (:P nyah!) My birthday's next tuesday so I got early tickets from my best friend's friend.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Sorry for the late update, I found this amazing fanfic that I've been reading since I got home. And I'm so beat from hanging out with my friends last night.**

**I hope this answers the questions that have been piling in. It sucks not being able to answer or giving these scary vague answers.**

**As _always_ a huge thankies to the love of my life, and meaning for my existance, Kitschisme for being an awesome Beta and person.**

* * *

As soon as I managed to pull myself together, I left.. I darted for my car about fifteen minutes after Edward left and went straight home. I was barely aware of where I was going or how I was getting there. I was in my driveway, though, crying and sobbing. The world was shut out around me; nothing could fix this whole… mess.

My legs shook, knees knocking together and a feeling of soreness ran through me. The physical pain was nothing to compare to my weak emotional status. I resisted the urge to open my car door and vomit out all the bile that was churning within me. The tears stung at my eyes and my throat was completely raw.

I was in the pits of despair. It hurt to think about how I got here, and no matter how hard I tried to forget about it all, I couldn't. I saw Edward's face from last night; the hard mask that held no emotion whatsoever. I saw his face when he came up to me this afternoon, the regretful face of my friend. This was just one big mistake.

And while I thought of all this, hurting myself by allowing those images to flood my mind, I thought of all the times where I only wanted to see _his_ face. The times where he used to sneak into my room just to comfort me or to talk were the highlights of my nights, and now I only saw angered expressions on his face when his eyes flickered briefly to the window.

I remembered the times where he let me cry on his shoulder, where he held me when I was so lost and hopeless. That memory was forever marred by the horrible pain that twisted through me, and ended up with his blood on my tongue. The taste disgusted me, but at the same time, I wanted to hurt him.

My confusion and pain mounted in me and when given the chance to take it out, I took it. I bit him and tore at the muscles on his back. It felt impossibly good, and at that moment I didn't regret it. The scars he left on me, the pain of watching him not look me in the eye and walk away would never go away. Afterwards, and even now, I couldn't find it in my heart to feel guilty.

But at the same time I couldn't forget the sensations. The times that he'd touched me before all seemed to be magnified indefinitely. My body's nerve endings lit up at every feel of his skin brushing across mine. His skilled fingers rendered me impossibly speechless. The wanting need to be able to tighten up and get relief overwhelmed me, and the simple ways that he could make me respond.

I swallowed hard, the pain slowly forgotten as a new sensation became more evident. I banged my head against the steering wheel.. "No, no, no," I muttered, trying to ignore what my body was telling me.

Outside, there was a distinct bang of a car door. I ducked down and saw the silver of his car before I saw him. My eyes widened and I slid down, narrowing them quickly. I saw from my side mirrors that he went to the door. His fist hit the door, but one of them had a white cast wrapped around his right arm.

His fingers tugged through his hair as he waited impatiently. His eyes kept looking at my car in the driveway, but I didn't move. I kept completely still as I head the sounds of his frustrated grumbling before it was closer.

The driver's door opened and I spilled out with it.. His arm wrapped around my back and pulled me up with a sigh. I looked up, ready to give him the death glare, when I stopped.

His eyes weren't amused or pissed; he didn't look like I thought he would. His eyes didn't have as dark of circles anymore, but they were painful to look at. His mouth was in a deep frown, almost a grimace, and his lips were a bit pale. I would have preferred the pissed off Edward to this one.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I saw your jacket in the door." His hands held me upright so I could catch my balance before he took a step back, his fingers going back into his hair.

"Thanks. What do you want?" My voice was hard, but I couldn't control it. He winced a little but didn't look at me.

"Sorry… can we talk inside?" His eyes went to the right where an elderly lady was looking at us while pretending to pay interest to the dead flowers in my yard.

I nodded mutely before fishing my key out of my pocket and walking to the door. The familiar click of the lock gave leeway to the creek of the door as I opened it wide. Edward was silent as he followed behind me. I walked upstairs, not wasting any time, and went to my desk.

Edward sat on my bed, but didn't say anything as I pretended to focus on math homework. He didn't say anything, but I could hear him shifting on my bed. I smiled a little; I hoped the guilt was eating at him.

I heard an intake of breath before he spoke. "Bella…"

I put my pencil down and turned my chair to him. He looked… miserable. My grim happiness was gone in an instant. He looked at me, directly in the eye, and spoke to me. His stare was so strong that I couldn't turn away no matter how much I wanted to. I had to swallow before trying to focus in on his words.

"I… I really am a fuck up…" he whispered. "This whole thing is my fault, and earlier I tried to blame you for it, because – well, I'm childish. You've seen that more than anyone. I didn't think at all how you would feel; I was only concentrating on how I was handling this. The whole time, every time I was near you I constantly reminded myself that this was about you and that I shouldn't be so selfish. I guess… it all went out the window, though."

"I know."

"I know you know." He sighed, his eyes closing as he put his face in his hands. "I hate this! I hate this so fucking much!" He screamed.

Edward rose on his feet, his arms moving into the air. He began to pace back and forth as he ran his hands over his face and through his hair. I sat still, trying to figure out what had just happened. He looked at me again; his eyes were desperate, pleading.

"I don't get it!" He stopped moving and stood in front of me. "What does this mean?"

"What are you talking about, Edward?" I asked exasperatedly.

"This!" He yelled. He reached for my hand and pulled it to his chest. I could feel the heat beneath my palm. Steady and vibrating pulses resonated under my hand. I could feel his heart racing at a rate that would have had me panting.

I pulled my hand back and looked away. "You're upset, it'll calm down."

"That's the thing! It won't calm down, Bella, and I just noticed this. I'd become so used to that, and I noticed last night, just enough, that my heart never gets like this with anyone else." He picked up my hand again and put it over his chest.

"It'll go back," I mumbled while tears ran steadily down my cheeks. Edward dropped to his knees in front of me and held my face between his hands.

"No, it never will. You wanna know why?" the pads of his thumbs ran under my eyes, smoothing the tears away. I shook my head a little before he pulled himself up on his knees. "It's because this is the way I always am when I'm with you. Last night, even though we both know it's a mistake, my body didn't, you're body didn't, and together that made at least one part of this whole mess right."

"It doesn't make anything right!" I yelled, pushing his hands away. "What are you trying to say? I'm so _sick_ of being confused and hurt and just horrified at all of this! Just tell me already…"

"Haven't you figured it out yet?" He asked me, his eyes widening in shock and hurt.

I shook my head, mumbling, "No, I don't get any of this."

He laughed a little hysterically, his head turning away from me. "Yeah, I guess I don't either." He fell onto the old junkyard couch in front of my window and put his arms over his eyes.

"Why is this so hard?" I whispered.

"You know what?" he mumbled. "I have no idea. I thought this would be so easy…" and easy it was anything but.

* * *

Edward left around four that evening. My dad said a brief goodbye before sitting down in front of the television. We hadn't left on great terms. We were in speaking conditions, but nothing more. This would take a while to patch up, but I wasn't sure if things could go back to the way they were.

I spent most of free time doing homework or chores. I never noticed how boring my life was without Edward. I was reading books that I had read over and over again, and I soon started to analyze every sentence.

Without someone to constantly keep me on my toes, I noticed the interaction of my parents a lot more. They wouldn't look at each other, I counted about a half hour before they looked or spoke to the other at dinner. My mom kept me talking the entire time.

Edward called every now and then, trying to keep up some form of normalcy. He didn't sneak over anymore, though. It had been a week since we'd had our meeting in my room, and though he'd begun to joke again, making me blush with the stupid things he said, it was always tame.

I think our friends could feel the stress; they didn't group us together when they spoke. They didn't address one of us when speaking to the other, too. They were too kind, and I was completely grateful.

Alice had become a Godsend. She talked to me about nothing, distracting me from my killer thoughts for an hour or two. She never pushed me to talk, the one time she asked and I said it was complicated, she left it at that. Rosalie, on the other hand, tried to hint to me that she was guessing at what it was about. The only thing she got at so far was the obvious conclusion that it involved Edward.

I didn't complain when Alice showed up at my door on Friday. She had a bag of clothing in one hand, and Rosalie followed with a small bag of makeup in the other.

"No Barbie Bella?" I asked as Alice mixed and matched pieces from my closet. Rosalie put a note card to my eyelid and applied mascara.

"No, you've been pretty good about letting me dress you up for school." She answered, throwing me a skirt and short sleeved button-up. I didn't waist time at the gracious outfit and ran into the bathroom.

We were gone in less than an hour, following the traffic of cars as they pulled into Mike Newtown's driveway and along the road. Rosalie pulled up to the curb at the end of the road. She'd be able to pull out easier later.

We saw Emmett's jeep across the street, pulled into a small lot, and next to it was Edward's Volvo. We walked through the herd of teenagers with red plastic cups and divulged to the bartender what we wanted. I took only a beer, knowing I'd need something stronger to make it through the night later. There was no need to over drink now.

Rosalie and Alice each got a cranberry Mike's Hard and we left to walk around the room. I saw Mike Newton racing through the house, trying to get people to put down breakable knick-knacks here and there. He walked off with an arm full of glass figurines and was out of sight.

Rosalie tugged us along to the back of the living room and into the den where Emmett was with Jasper sitting by Edward on the couch. All three had cups in their hands, drinking it like water. I could see the haze forming in Jasper's eyes as he talked flippantly to some girl before Alice came and took his attention.

I sat on the foot stool beside Edward and nodded to him. He nodded back and smiled. "What are you drinking?" He asked over the blaring music.

"Just beer." I answered back.

"Here," he reached out to the table and handed me a red plastic cup with a clear liquid in it. I smelled the burning alcohol and smiled at him.

"Thank you." His answering smile made me feel more at ease. We didn't speak much more, just watching as a group of people started to play quarters. I sunk a few before deciding not to test my luck..

Mike came up to me only once, shortly distracted by Emmett shouting out dares for people to do chin ups on the ceiling fan. Across from me, in the other room, I saw Lauren talking a few people, her gaze always shifted to Edward. He didn't notice at first, but after a couple minutes, he started to shift.

I couldn't concentrate on anything but the way she rolled up her shorts and turned her chest towards him, trying to make him look at her. My thoughts drifted to the beginning of the week. He didn't feel the same when he was with her. I smiled a little, not noticing that she was now staring at me.

Her hand dragged up and she moved her finger for me to come forward to her. Edward didn't miss this, his eyes immediately darted to me and his mouth was set in a hard line.

"Absolutely not." He hissed.

"Maybe this will be a time to resolute things." I answered in a hopeful tone. It didn't fool either of us, though. His eyes were hard as I stood up.

"I'll be watching." He warned as I walked out from the room. Lauren smiled at me, her nose flaring a bit at her attempt not to bite off my head.

"Bella," she greeted. She joined her arm with mine and started to walk towards the patio.

"Lauren?"

"I know we haven't been the best of friends or anything." I almost snorted. "But I think we started off on the wrong foot." _Yes, perhaps the one you've made me trip over so many times before._

"Mmhmm," I smiled. She stopped at the patio door and I saw Jessica out there, along with a couple of her Barbie clones.

"Well, I was thinking we should make up." She smiled a little at me, tight mouthed. She handed me a red cup filled with pink punch. "So, let's have a toast…"

She held her arm out, her hand filled with her own cup. I put my hand up, touching the lip of my cup with hers. She muttered a "cheers" before she grinned maliciously. I stared at her confused before I heard,

"Bella, look out!" Before I could respond, I felt cold liquid being poured over my head. The liquid rushed down my back, drenching my clothes, and spilled to the floor.

I looked at my hands, knowing immediately that it was the same from my cup. Pink punch drenched my body as I held back a shriek from the sudden coldness. Lauren screeched with laughter, Jessica giggled loudly behind me. I clenched my teeth and tried to bite back the tears.

"I've had it with you fucking bitches." I looked up to see Edward walking closer with a gallon of water in each hand. Laurens face lit up as he came near.

"Edward," she smiled at him. He gave a half smile back before pouring it over her head, dousing Jessica at the same time. They both screamed at the same time, their mouths parting into little 'O's and their hands going up and flittering uselessly.

Edward threw the cartons to the floor before grabbing my hand and dragging me out of the room full of onlookers. I followed alongside him, not looking at anyone as I passed them. I could still hear Lauren and Jessica shrieking and screaming as people erupted into the laughter. Tears welled in my eyes at the thought of them laughing at me.

He pulled me out of the house and down the road to his car. He set me on the hood without a word, pulling off his jacket and ripping my blouse from me.

"What are you doing?!" I screamed, covering myself with my arms. He didn't look at me like a pervert, though. He barely noticed my feeble attempt to hide from his view. Edward wrapped his jacket around me, wiping the sticky punch from my face as he lifted me back up and into his car.

I watched him with curious eyes; he didn't joke or look at me strangely, rather with a caring demeanour.

"My house is closer, you can change there." He said when he was in the car. I nodded and looked out the windshield, I wanted to talk to him, to know what was going on inside that mind of his, but I didn't feel like I had the credibility to ask him that.

I watched him from the corner of my eyes the entire ride to his home, watching him, wanting him to do something that the old Edward would do. I wished he would crack a joke and make me laugh a little to relieve me, or tell me that it was all going to be okay.

We pulled up to his house and walked to the front door. Before he could dig out his keys and unlock the door, I grabbed his hand and pulled him down. I didn't think as I pressed my lips to his.

* * *

**A/N: Ah-ha-ha, I suck. xD I like the next chapter so much. So please no one ask why Edward is such a man-whore, it will be explained. There's even a lemon in the next chapter. . But I didn't tell you that. Because you might be pissed at me.**

**Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, so have a happy one to those of you who celebrate it, and especially to those of you who don't, because you're awesome. I mean, I don't like the holiday, just some white men and indian men getting together and eating... and a couple years afterwards they all slaughtered each other. French and Indian war baby.**

**So for all the people who flogged my inbox with PMs, I love you all, and I think I replied to them all by now. I've been doing it all day. I got concert tickets--which for those of you who are constant forumers at the legion over at Otep's website(like I am, I live there), she didn't get married. I almost had a heart attack. She wrote a poem about the narrator getting married. You can't legally get married in L.A. yet, only my state and Mass. Whoo, I still have a shot! Anyway, my best friend got me Tiffany's because the boy knows how to impress, and my co-workers got me concert tickets. It was very nice.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Happy Friday! Also, this is the thirteenth chapter. ;)**

* * *

Why was this so damn _confusing_?

Was it too much to ask for God to cooperate with me for once? Would that take a little too much effort? It didn't even seem like there was one, probably some sick force in the universe that decided to fuck with my head. Other teenagers don't go through this yoyo shit, do they?

I sounded like some whiney emo kid with nothing better to do then torment myself, but I didn't care, I hit that about five miles back. I was into masochism territory now. It didn't used to be like this; everything used to feel great; I'd never second guessed myself. What _felt_ right, _was_ right.

Freshman year was supposed to be great; I'd delayed my arrival and was ready to tear it up. My first party, one with seniors and even college kids was all I'd thought about for a week. Bella had been hesitant; it was hard to convince Charlie that we were just going to hang out for the night.

We walked there. At the time neither of us could drive, and it wouldn't be cool at all to get a ride from a parent. The house was already stiflingly full by the time we got there. Mountains of people were gathered around us, dancing and grinding with drunken enthusiasm.

Somehow, after a half hour of being there, I'd lost Bella in the crowd. We'd said we'd meet up at the front yard if we got separated. Too bad I was a bit tipsy.

On my way to the front door, the handle in sight, someone grabbed my shoulder. When I turned around some tall blonde was leering over me. She licked her lips before she began to dance – or grind with the pulsing of the music.

To a fourteen, almost fifteen-year-old kid, this was heaven. The blonde talked to me for a while, telling me all about how she just came in from out of state and was looking for a good time. I was only too happy to keep talking to her. Thinking back on it now, she was just oozing sex, not at all the kind of girl I'd go for. But then, she was the fantasy Play Boy girl.

"Do you wanna go upstairs with me?" she'd asked. Like the lust stricken boy that I was, I followed her without a complaint.

I didn't know what she wanted; I just knew I wanted to follow her. She pulled me to the last bedroom on the second floor and immediately started to kiss my neck. This was completely new. I mean, sure, I'd kissed Bella before, but it was all innocent, just little pecks for a test. With the exception of trying to French kiss, which turned into one big slobber fest.

The blonde in front of me – I think she said her name was Tanya – started to pull my clothes off, one by one. I couldn't do anything but try to stop the embarrassing noises that wanted to come out.

In an instant, she was on her knees in front of me. I could feel the blood rush to my face; I knew about this, I wasn't an idiot. I'd never experienced it before, but I knew the logistics of sex. Tanya didn't even bother to pull down my pants; she just unzipped my jeans and slipped me out of my boxers.

Instantly hard, she gave me my first blowjob. She had this annoying tongue ring that I knew was supposed to feel good, but the way she'd scrape it when she deep throated made me suppress a groan of pain.

"Have you ever been with a woman before?" she'd asked, her Botox injected lips lifting up at the corners. There was nothing real on that woman. Her whole face was surgically enhanced, her chest had two balloons implanted, and her hair was a mess of extensions.

I shook my head 'no' and she grabbed my hand before pushing me on my back. Her tube top slipped down and she struggled out of her too-tight jeans before she flipped her hair behind her back.

She had this cocky smirk on her face, telling me where to touch her and what I should do. Her tits were moving everywhere, annoying the hell out of me. I'd made a vow never to date a girl with implants.

All too soon, I slipped inside of her. She wasn't at all tight and warm like Bella had been; she was kind of loose and moist. I had my orgasm long before she did, I felt emasculated by that. She told me that she'd been with a lot of guys, and she considered herself a succubus. The word that flittered through my mind was 'Slut', but I didn't dare say that aloud.

When she was done with me, still not satisfied, she told me to try again with someone else who was more patient. That did wonders for my morality.

I left through the back so I wouldn't have to see her again, and made my way to the front yard. Bella was standing there, looking antsy as she moved from one foot to another. My hands dug into my pants pocket and I tried to put on a cheery expression.

"God, where have you been? I've been out here for half an hour. Some guy kept coming up to me and he said he was going to get us drinks. Let's get out of here before he comes back!" And we did just that.

The walk home was pretty quiet. She knew something was wrong, and I wanted to tell her. But, what would she think of me? I'd just _tried_ to fuck some random girl and I completely bombed at it. Would she think I was some kind of a pussy? Bella was more worried about someone following us; that guy made her nerves jumpy.

That night we watched a couple horror movies, but I didn't know what they were. I didn't think about Tanya again, successfully repressing her from my mind. I was glad that she was out of state so I wouldn't have to see her again. I lay awake for hours until my body gave out and I more-or-less passed out.

* * *

That week in school I listened to all the gossip and latest rumours that floated around. I didn't hear my name mixed in anywhere, so I was pretty sure I was in the clear. I still felt dirty about the whole thing; it was completely dogging my self-esteem.

I caved and told Bella about what happened, even shedding a tear here or there – like I wasn't pathetic enough. She understood, but she was also disappointed. I could tell.

Two weeks later I heard that Jessica Stanley had sex with some college kid. She said she didn't like it because it hurt too much. I may not have gotten that chick off, but I didn't hurt her. Jessica flirted with me in math like usual, but that day I flirted back, getting her to go on a date with me on Saturday.

It didn't take much for me to get her into bed. My house was empty and when I implied that we go up to my room, she was only too happy. She got off; boy did she get off. I came after she did twice. My masculinity was upped ten times what it was before.

I blamed my first performance off of the fact that I had been a virgin. I wanted to test it out more, so after I successfully got rid of Jessica while she went after Mike Newton, Lauren came onto me.

From then on it had been only to see that I could get a girl off, and when I could, it became convenience. I liked the feeling I got; I liked the way it relieved stress, and I liked the way I was good at it. When girls started coming back, I could distinguish between who was a good lay and who was completely horrible. Sure, I felt like a dick, but I was selfish.

Bella slowly started to draw away, and I barely even noticed. I wanted her, too, and I didn't even realize it. I'd been used to getting any girl that I wanted, and I wanted her the absolute most. I had to constantly tell myself that she was my best friend; she wasn't like the other girls.

That only made me want her more.

Through the years, I watched her closely. I saw every line and curve form out and become incredible beneath her clothes. It was a secret fantasy. I wanted her; _she_ was my fantasy.

I wanted to fuck her six ways from Sunday. I liked how innocent she could be at times, the way she read a book with her body so relaxed. I wanted to come up behind her and do things that made me hard to even glimpse at in my mind. I wanted nothing more than to strip her down and bend her over a desk.

Then there were other times where she was so feisty. One minute she was laughing and if I said something wrong she'd get so mad. I liked that the best. Her cheeks would get all red, her lips puffy, and her breathing sped. I wanted to do that to her. I sometimes wished she'd scratch me. Just one swipe of her nails and then I'd want her to ride me with that sexy pissed off expression.

It was sick, oh God was it sick, but I couldn't help it. She was untouchable; the one thing I couldn't have. It drove me mad, it drove me wild and crazy, but I liked it.

So when it got to the point that I'd do absolutely ridiculous things just to see her react in some way, I knew I had to do something. I was tired of feeling her up and playing it off as a joke. I didn't like it when she was sitting next to me, her nipples hard, and I couldn't do anything about it.

When she got tired of being the joke, of being the _virgin,_ I knew that was one thing I could do better for her than anyone else.

Every time she liked it, and every time she came back for more. I liked it too much, the way her face looked when she would cum on my fingers. It was the highlight of my dreams. I started to notice her every movement, just the slightest step would seem so erotic to me.

And then there were other things I noticed, too.

The way she smiled, the way she laughed. When she got a good grade her eyes would light up like she just saw the last present under the Christmas Tree. I liked those looks just as much. The innocence was as good as everything else. Everyone else talked about how great her ass looked or how perky her tits were; sure, I'd noticed those things, too. I was interested in anything that had to do with her.

The saddest part was that all that time that I'd fooled around and tried to distinguish those anxious feelings, the answer was right in front of me. Every day, and almost every night, the solution had been there, but I was too blind to even notice it.

And now, as Bella's soft, warm lips crashed onto mine, I finally figured it out. It had taken me a couple years, but better late then never.

I kissed her back with everything in me, not like I'd kissed any girl before. Her small hands delved into my hair and I pushed her up against the house with all the strength I had. Every line and curve hit me with the added flavour of her tongue.

My body shuddered and my heart began to speed up. This was the feeling I was looking for. I loved this feeling too much to ever let it go away.

I loved Bella too much to let her go away.

* * *

**A/N: Hey, I promised _a _lemon. I didn't specify who it was between...**

**Does this solve most of the unsolved mysteries of why Edward's a bit of a dick? I hope so, next chapter is probably one of my favourites in this series, so I'm excited about realeasing it; hopefully sooner than this. :P**

**Just to let everyone know, I've got projects and essays due before the holiday break and I'm rushing to get my project on Bristol done so I don't fail. But... fanfiction is top priority. :D**

**Don't forget to review!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Sorry for the late update.**

**Just to clear some things up:**

**Bella is still _not_ a virgin, I'm not gonna magically have Edward slip and say "oh, gotcha!" so, that clears that up I hope.**

**This is about friendship first and romance second.**

**So, keep that in mind.**

* * *

Edward's hands were on my hips in an instant. The cast on his hand dug into the skin there and I resisted the urge to wince. I didn't mean it, this wasn't supposed to happen. I shouldn't have kissed him, but I did.

Was the only possible way to get through to him with physical actions only? My stomach dropped at the thought. My mind went directly back to the first time when he touched me—it seemed so great, my entire body tingled at that time. All I wanted was more, and I got it.

And then last time… last time when he turned his back, which was worse than any physical pain I'd ever felt. I couldn't have a repeat of that.

My body screamed at my mind. It'd been too long. I needed some kind of release, a real release, not something that weighed heavily on my conscience. I couldn't even think to touch myself after all that, every time I even moved my fingers in the slightest I saw his face in the darkness of my room, that horrible night.

His fingers moved to the skin of my back, smothering my flesh with his warm palm. I gasped and his hips pushed into my stomach. Oh no. No, I couldn't do this. It was too soon… but I wanted it, oh God, more than anything I wanted it.

His tongue brushed my lower lip and my nipples went hard in an instant. The cold from my wet bra helped with that. They brushed against his hot chest and this time my hips bucked roughly into him. It was so natural, so right, we were meant for these kinds of feelings; but at the same time it was one huge mistake.

Somehow I managed to pull away from him. Edward took that as a sign to keep going on my neck. It felt so good; his teeth nipped and pulled at my skin, working the hollow of my throat with his tongue. How could something so horribly wrong feel so incredibly right?

"No, Edward… oh God, please stop… we have to stop!" My voice held absolutely no conviction.

"Why?" He panted. "You started this…" But his lips pulled away from me then, and he backed up a couple steps.

So he _did_ have some control.

"I know," I whispered once I caught my breath. I could hear his panting breath and it honestly didn't help my weak resolve.

He grunted a bit before shoving his hands in his pockets and closing his eyes briefly.

"I just, I think we need to talk."

"Yeah," he sighed. He pulled his keys from the ground where they'd fallen and unlocked the door. The bright lights of the foyer lit up as soon as the door was fully opened.

The sound of metal bounded behind me as he deposited his keys in the bowl by the front door. His shoes went next, dropping to the small rug by the front door before he tapped my shoulder and walked upstairs.

I tried not to drip on the clean carpets, but it was hard. I had to wrap my hair under Edward's jacket and bunch my skirt up so that I leak anything. By the time I made it into his room he bolted for the closet.

His absence allowed me to release the breath I'd been holding for a good minute. My frayed nerves simmered down a bit before he came back into his room with a few articles of clothing and then pushed me toward his bathroom.

"You wreak of Kool Aid, and not the good kind." He wrinkled his nose and tried to lift his hard mouth into a teasing smile, but it was lost on me.

I nodded a bit and then walked into his bathroom. I'd been here so many times, but it seemed so cold and empty now. This house didn't feel like it was my home anymore; I felt like an invader. My mind was getting ahead of me. I was thinking too much again.

I stripped without feeling, throwing Edward's stained jacket into the hamper in the corner of his bathroom. I took off my drenched bra and skirt and saved my panties. By the time I was finished the bathtub was almost full of water.

My mind was at a stand still but as soon as I was relaxed in the tub, it went a million miles an hour. I was confused, scared, lonely, hurt, embarrassed and over all just exhausted. Silent tears slid down my cheeks and I sunk into the water, letting my sobs be muffled under the water's surface.

My need for air forced me up after a while and I decided to get lost in the scent of his soap. His shampoo made my heart stop, his conditioner made my brain turn and his body wash made my stomach drop. I hadn't expected this reaction from myself, but I welcomed it with open arms. For the first time in days I didn't feel like such a hopeless wreck.

I could feel the trembling in my legs—something that was so familiar—and I knew I was getting better just by being able to smell him.

My jaw chattered a bit and my right hand skimmed down my stomach. A breathless pant left my mouth as my fingers brushed over my thigh. The recognition made a shiver run down my spine. Yes, please.

My index finger ran around my slit and my head tipped backwards. Just as I started to massage my clit, three quick raps sounded from the door. My eyes closed briefly before I heard his voice.

"Bella? Are you okay in there?" My throat constricted at his voice and my stomach did a flip. My finger pushed down on my clit and my back arched.

"Um, yeah… just trying to get this gunk… out of my hair." My voice didn't shake nearly as bad as I thought it would.

"Alright," he sighed quietly and I could hear something touch the door lightly. I closed my eyes tightly before removing my hand from its warm spot and standing up.

Great timing, Edward.

I wrapped his plain white towel around my body and toweled my hair dry. I was covered in his scent and I sighed to myself. My body was on sensory overload. My thighs were stuck to together, trying to stop the incredible strength of my body's need.

I got dressed quickly and made my mind focus on every little detail before I shrugged on a pair of his flannels and walked out of the sanctuary of his bathroom.

The air outside the bathroom was cold, and I shivered a little before making my way to sit on his bed. He wasn't in the room, but the TV was on, lightly humming the voice of the newscaster. Someone was shot in a subway station; the man who did it was going to prison.

Some woman tried to smother her husband while he slept. Another woman was found cheating with her husband's best friend; he killed her later on that night. There was a serial rapist who escaped and was hiding somewhere in Seattle. There was a rough sketch of him, and he reminded me of coach Clapp a little.

Why is it that they only show the bad stuff? A pretty news caster went on about how some woman was running a charity for fostered children, immediately afterwards they went into a segment about a child molester living in Olympia.

I grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. This morbid stuff made me forget, but now I was depressed.

There was banging from downstairs and then I heard his heavy footsteps coming down the hallway. My eyes widened a bit. I needed more time!

But before I could even think of running back into the bathroom he was in front of me, throwing a bundle of movies at me.

"It's not Wednesday, but we skipped this week." He shrugged. My hands started to shake beneath the movies. What the hell was going on with me?

I pushed a random movie at him and he popped it in the DVD player before jumping onto the bed. He seemed so at ease, like he wasn't even bothered by the fact that I was sitting here and we'd just made out on his front porch. Was I the only one perturbed by that?

We sat in silence watching some horrible comedy. The main character's nose was big, and people constantly made comments on it, but that was all I got about it. There were a couple serious scenes that were meant to be sappy, and then someone would come in to be the comic relief.

I'd seen this same plot about a thousand times. But I still sat there and watched without paying attention, and by the time it was over, I was much more relaxed. My nerves weren't as frayed anymore, and I cleared my head enough to think that I could make it through a conversation.

This was just… too _weird_. Edward was always the one who was straight forward, the one who never avoided things that needed to be said. He sat completely still, his eyes trained too intently on the TV. So he was just buying himself some time. I decided to sit back and let it go. I'd get my chance; I _needed_ my chance.

Edward popped up from his spot to take the DVD out and put it back in the case before grabbing another one.

"Um, Edward?" He turned around at the sound of my voice and raised an eyebrow. Was he waiting for me to speak?

"Yeah?"

"Well, you know… talking?" I stumbled over my words, and by the end I wasn't even sure what the hell I was talking about. But he figured it out and sat in front of me on his bed; still a good distance away.

When he sat, his warm scent wafted over to me and I honestly could have rolled my eyes back into my head. The warm familiarity made my nerves light back up. This just couldn't be easy.

"Alright, talk,"

I hesitated before I sat on my knees and was head level with him. He mouth wasn't as tight anymore, but his cheekbones were getting taught, which meant I only had a limited time before he became impatient.

"Thank you," I blurted.

He cocked his head to the side a fraction and then half-smiled a bit. "Not a problem, best friend. Wish I had something more than water. There wasn't much milk left, but bleach would have been better."

I laughed along with him, the idea of sour milk entered my mind and I laughed like it didn't matter that I was just publically humiliated in front of most of the high school and college student body.

"I did like your action line, though. I could imagine Samuel L. Jackson coming in next to you, 'I've have enough with you motherfucking bitches on this motherfucking plane!'"

A loud laugh came from his throat and he looked like he might cry. "I was in the middle of rescuing you; I couldn't come up with anything witty!" Our laughing consumed the quiet room and it felt like old times again.

We leaned forward, a natural pull towards one another. And in truth, it wasn't even that funny to me. I just liked this. The way that I was leaned up against his shoulder laughing with wild abandon, spurred on by his loud laughs that were undoubtedly forming because of mine.

And then I could feel the warmth of his neck on my already hot face, and the heady scent of _him_ on my tongue, and even the sweet breath that was corrupt by liquor. In that instance, it was like nothing else existed except for the slowly calming boy next to me.

His fingers touched my chin, and tilted my head up to him. I hadn't even noticed that we'd been perfectly still from what could have been minutes. His emerald eyes met mine, and I saw the light pleasure in them that drove me crazy any time I saw them.

His cheeks were a little pink, and his hair was a complete disaster on his head. I saw the little scar right above his left eyebrow that you couldn't see unless you knew it was there. The dimple that was right on it was smoothed out, and I knew that he was completely calmed, concentrating on me.

And in that instant I knew that out bodies weren't total strangers. He'd said it before, that no matter how long we knew each other, our bodies couldn't distinguish each other.

But my mind could distinguish his body, and his mind could distinguish mine, so why couldn't it balance out?

Why couldn't we just make this _work_?

His head tilted slightly, and he bent down slowly. His hand moved upward so that it was palming my cheek, and I brought my hands to his shoulder. Because God knows, I'd need support for this.

He lightly brushed his lips to mine, and I could smell his delicious breath flow over me. His soft lips slid past mine sensually, but I could feel the slight lip of skin that was there because of his chapped lips. But I didn't care, because my lips were worse. I dove head first into all of him.

Our lips _pulled_ together instantly. It was so natural that I couldn't even think of what could be wrong and what could be right. It just didn't matter; how could this be wrong? How could feeling this wonderfully amazing be wrong?

The shock waves from before ran screamingly fast down my spine. Lightning bolts smothered the stars behind my eyes and I could have sat here, receiving Edward's slick tongue between my teeth for an eternity.

His hand was on my skin in an instant. He was every where in a heart beat. I wanted to scream just from that small amount of contact, but I desperately wanted more.

I pressed my entire body against his and I didn't have the ability to think twice about it. I wanted this, I _needed_ this, and I was so tired of just ignoring it.

My shirt was gone in an instant. His hands brushed the skin on its way and we barely broke away to take it off. Pressure built astoundingly fast between my legs. I'd been sitting here moist and gathering more as time passed, and now it all pushed out and soaked my relatively dry panties.

Edward's fingers were on my chest, his large, warm hands covering my breasts and squeezing them until fire bolts were sent through my body and directly down to my panties. He moved his cast so that it wouldn't scrape me, and I'd only now realized I hadn't brought myself to worry enough to ask what he did to get it.

His fingers twisted and pulled harder and I jumped up. I could feel my clit, swollen and painful, and I rubbed my thighs together as roughly as I could.

His finger tugged at my nipples, pressing into them and twisting while his mouth did wonderful things down my chin and neck, thoroughly lapping at the skin of my collarbone and then the skin of my chest. One hand left and his mouth was on me in that same instant.

Loud noises left my throat and I couldn't even hear myself, just feeling the loud vibrations rocking my body. I could have sworn that the vibrations from my throat were rocking me to my very core, but I came down to reality just enough to realize that Edward's hand was rubbing me through my pants.

Tears stung at my eyes. This was possibly the greatest I'd ever felt before. Edward was everywhere around me; his hands, his mouth, his broad body and his seductive words that I could barely make out as he murmured into my chest.

"No… I… can't…" As quickly as this whole thing had progressed, he pulled away from me, his face red and his chest heaving from panting.

"No," I whimpered, my arms reaching for him.

"God, Bella… we can't… talking, remember?" His jaw clenched and his eyes wandered down my chest before he snapped them up.

"Talking later!" I snapped, throwing myself at him. He caught me by my shoulders and held me back.

"No, no, no," he muttered, his eyes closed tightly.

It hit me then, this wasn't the time for that. He was making an effort to control himself and my over heated, needy body was controlling me. I could wait for him; I would have to wait for him.

I wrapped my arms around my chest and looked back him, surprisingly not embarrassed. That could have been because of the thorough evidence in his pants. My body shuddered at the straining zipper and the way I could nearly see him throbbing.

"S-sorry," I whispered.

"It's fine." He sighed, his eyes opening slowly. "As much as I'd like to have kept that up, I think we already know where physical talking leads us." He smiled grimly and I looked away.

"Yeah," my voice was quiet at the thought of his face. My eyes closed briefly before I looked back up at him.

"You remember back in freshman year when we went to that party?" he asked suddenly, I nodded. "Remember when I told you about Tanya and that whole… mess?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Would you believe me if I told you I saw her at that party tonight?"

I blanched. "No way,"

"Yeah, I was thinking about that earlier this evening. I was really just a kid then, but it's never sat well with me. You know how I tried to repress all that, and I finally thought about it tonight."

"And what's the conclusion?"

"Well, I thought about it after she propositioned me."

"You… you went with her again—"

"No! No, that's one mistake I'll never make again. And besides, I think she got another breast aug done. You know my rule about plastic surgery." He smiled wryly and I found myself smile along with him. "She spotted me before I saw her; she knew my name and everything. She said her _cousin_ talked about me all the time. She wanted to see if I was worth her time."

"C-cousin? You don't mean… she was blonde right? Lauren, you mean?" he nodded at me. What a small world… or town.

"Yeah, you hit the nail on the head."

"So you didn't go with her then?"

"Exactly."

"Why?"

"Because I had absolutely no want or need or drive to." I raised an eyebrow and he smiled a little. "I don't know. I haven't really noticed it over the last couple days, but sex just doesn't seem appealing with anyone anymore."

I could feel my face go gaunt at his words. Is that why he stopped me? He didn't have a sex drive anymore so he just dumped me completely off of him with a jolly attitude all of a sudden—

"Would you calm down? Jesus, Bella, I haven't even finished yet!"

"Go on," I croaked.

"Okay, I haven't had the want or pull to sleep with anyone because I've already had the forbidden fruit—so to speak—and anything after that just doesn't even compare in appraisal or value." His eyes softened a bit at the end.

"S-so what are you saying? You had a bite of forbidden fruit and you don't want anything else. So what does that even mean? I told you Edward, I can't do that 'friends with benefits' thing."

"That's not what I mean!" he shouted exasperatedly. "God, Bella, is it that fucking hard to understand?"

I snapped then. My confusion roared over me and I dropped my arms from my chest to stand up from his bed. I locked my eyes on his, not willing to look away. I needed to understand this; his emotions and attitudes were giving me a severe case of whiplash.

"Yes, Edward, it is! I don't understand you! I haven't been able to get a grasp on you for a long time now, and these cryptic messages aren't helping at all. If you don't want to be friends or friends with benefits, or even neighbours anymore, just say it would you!?"

"You're an idiot!" he roared. "How _hard_ is it to understand? How _fucking difficult_ is this for you to grasp? How many more times can I put myself out there on the line without you taking the bait?"

"Because maybe you should just be _Edward_ and be blunt about it! I miss the old Edward, so just come out and sa—"

"I love you!"

My heart did a flutter and then deflated before it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. That was definitely not what I had expected. How many times had I dreamt of those words, though?

The room went silent and then he suddenly looked away. I saw the column of his throat expand in a swallow before he shook his head lightly.

My silence was deafening even to my own ears. I couldn't seem to hear anything besides my own heart hammering away at my chest.

My mind couldn't even grasp the concept. I knew he loved me, I knew that since we were little kids, but this was so much more complicated than that. This was one fucked up wiring company of emotions and betrayals and all these crazy teenage love notions didn't even register on that company's map.

I looked at him, and just had to watch him for a minute. The boy that I grew up with, the boy who I'd spent my first night in the hospital, jail, and even a bus station with loved me enough to share his bed with me.

The boy who callously flirted with girls and slept with them, but still tried to convince himself he was morally justified, was in love with me. The boy who asked me to be his student while he broke my heart and my spirit and even my trust, loved me.

But most of all, the scared little boy who was still stuck in a time that he didn't belong in was brave enough to reach out to me and stop playing behind his ridiculous façade and come out to admit something that we both knew was true from the start.

I loved him, too.

"This was a mistake." He whispered to himself. He stood up on visibly shaky legs before he brushed passed me with his head down at the carpet. "I'm sorry."

His hand touched the doorknob to his room and that's when I realized he was just going to leave again. That scared little boy was controlling his actions again and he was going to leave me high and dry once more.

My body reacted. The love sick little girl reached out to him, not willing to be hurt and torn apart again. Every other thought left my mind and I ran myself into his firm back, knocking him into the door and stopping him.

"Don't leave me!" I yelled. Tears freely left my eyes, staining my cheeks as they slid slowly. My hands slid to his chest and I fisted his shirt to hold onto him.

It all came crashing down on me at that point. The unbearable pain—physical, emotional, and mental—all receded into my body and I shook violently against him. Edward turned around instantly and his arms were constricting me against his body.

I saw not only his face, his back, his eyes on that cold lonely night, but I saw everything that I'd been pouring into that one moment.

"I'm so—sorry." I sobbed into his chest.

"No, Bella, you have nothing to be sorry for. Don't cry, don't cry… please, don't cry."

"No!" I buried my face deeper into his chest. I felt his body slide down to the floor so that I was between his legs with his arms wrapped securely around me. My legs were ready to give out at that point anyway.

It could all wait. I could tell him it wasn't his fault later, but I needed to cry now. The pain of everything crashed around me and I wailed awful sounds into his skin, hiding my pain inside of him, letting it all wash away… for the moment.

All the little girl insecurities came out. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not fun enough, I'm not _good_ enough. All of those events that seemed so insignificant at the time pushed down on me and I couldn't hold it in. I would regret crying over those later, but now they seemed so huge and their weight forced another sob to explode.

The fights that I'd heard through the walls at night were shoved in my ears. Cotton balls of arguments were stuffed in my hearing and I was deaf to anything but the names that my parents called each other. The late nights that Charlie came home; the way he tried his hardest to be there for me when I knew it was killing him to see me drifting away with my mom.

I screamed for every death that I'd ever encountered because suddenly it didn't seem like it was enough to shed a tear for them. I cried for my first and only dog, and then my gold fish whose names I'd forgotten long ago. I cried for my grandma even though she was mean to me and hit me with her cane when she was angry.

All of this was so selfish, but I cried because I didn't want to cry for what Edward had done to me. In the grand scheme, he'd done so much more good for me. He made me laugh, helped me through boredom… lent me a shoulder to cry on… even his whole body.

Some hours later, after I was pretty much dehydrated, I looked up him through my painful puffy eyes. His eyes were red, his bottom lashes curved with dried tears.

"Edward," I whimpered. He smiled a little, his eyes filling with unshed tears again.

I pulled back and wrapped my arms around his neck. And in that movement, I poured every ounce of love and ardent affection in my entire body out to him.

But he gladly received every drop of that.

* * *

**A/N: I love this chapter... sigh.**

**I love next chapter, too. I couldn't resist bringin' in Carlisle for another chapter. He's mah fav. :D**

**Don't forget to review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: So... after almost a month of not updating because of the holidays, I decided I should get my ass in gear again. :D**

**This one's for you, Mary, because when we do our collab it'll rock the world into orgasmic oblivion!**

* * *

It was 4:48 on Saturday morning. Bella cried late into the night, and early into the morning, but she'd finally fallen asleep.

She was curled into my chest, still shaking in her dreams—or nightmares, as it would seem. Her cheeks weren't red anymore, but she had these ugly purple bruises under her eyes. Her hair was in unmanageable tangles and sticking up in clumps from not letting it dry. She was wearing my shirt, because as nice as it felt having her nipples pressed up against me, I felt sick in taking pleasure from topless crying.

And yet, she was still beautiful.

The swollen… creature, on my shoulder began to throb, and I had the urge to drag my fingernails through it again. The thing was practically eating me at this point; why not just let it consume me? Maybe it'd take Bella, too. We could live together in our own puss filled world.

I grimaced and ran a hand through my hair. I hadn't gotten a sound night's sleep in a week. The cold dreary day was seeping in and the fact that I didn't have a shirt on made it worse.

In the end, Bella didn't tell me she loved me; she didn't react like any other girl and fling her arms out to kiss me or tackle me. She did, however, fling herself at my dumb ass so that I wouldn't leave her for the second time after I became overwhelmed.

My stomach did a flip in partial embarrassment and partial hunger. I could smell something tantalizing coming from downstairs and I assumed it was Carlisle just getting home from the night shift.

Carefully, I picked Bella up and numbly moved my legs to my bed. I almost landed on my face a couple times, but I ended up throwing Bella on my bed before I fell. She whined a bit and then rolled over to sleep some more. That's my girl.

After throwing my blanket on her I made my way to my closet to throw on some random shirt. The floors were warm outside of my room, the plush going between my toes and making it easier to journey down to the cold marble of the kitchen.

Carlisle's back was to me. He was cooking something on the stove that was making me drool. I'd probably bark like a dog to get some decent food.

I plopped down in one of the kitchen chairs before he looked around and gave me a quick once over before going back to his eggs.

"Hey, kid. Rough night?" He moved the pan over to the counter and grabbed some plates.

"Food will make it better," I mumbled. He grinned my way and loaded my plate with bacon, sausage, eggs, and hash browns. "God bless you, sir."

"Bella still upstairs?" He asked with a mouth full of eggs.

I raised my eyebrow at him. "How'd you know?"

"I still have the mind to check on my wife and son when I come home."

"What would you do if there was a robber?"

"Dunno, haven't thought that far ahead."

I chuckled before forking a hash brown and ripping it from my fork with my teeth. The thing about Carlisle was, if you were upset, he knew; but he never pushed you. He was the easiest guy to be around in all the world, and that's probably why he was so highly regarded by his patients.

Whenever I got into trouble I didn't think twice before calling him. He would call me some name, give me a fair punishment that usually involved car restrictions and curfews, and then everything would be fine.

"So," I drawled, mashing up my eggs like I always did before I ate them.

"You know they're scrambled for a reason, Edward. If you're going to smash them up into mush why don't you ask your mom to spoon feed you?"

"Ha."

"I thought it was funny." He grinned. "Alright, what were you getting at?"

I cleared my throat before chickening out and shoving the eggs into my mouth, chewing thoroughly and then swallowing. Ten extra seconds of time…

"I _think_ we're okay…" He looked up from his food and raised his eyebrows for me to continue on. "I controlled myself in a gentlemanly manner… don't give me that look, I really did." I glared quickly before looking down at my food. "Um… she cried, like, a lot."

"She's a teenage girl who was hurt by her best friend; did you honestly expect anything less?"

"No, I thought she'd punch me and maybe try to light something on fire, but she was just upset." I poked around my plate, setting up a face on my Corelle. The sausage was crooked, and it offset the hash brown eyes. "She's scared… all the time. She was mumbling her parent's names when she was sleeping, and I think she might feel… lonely." I could feel the grimace settle on my face.

"Well, have you ever talked to her? I mean, I know you two have this silent connection and all, but if you never put words out there, one wrong assumption and you may not be on the same frequency."

"No, tried that already. I put myself out there and she didn't do anything."

"What do you mean?"

I blew out noisily, my lips making a raspberry sound as I averted my eyes away from him. "I told her I loved her… and she stared at me like a fish."

"You gotta give her time, Edward—this is all new to her!"

"I know that, I know that… I'm just impatient as all hell and I want everything here and now… but it sucks when it doesn't come right away I guess."

"You never were a patient child, always whining for this and that," he muttered. I winced at my plate; did everyone have to be so pissed at me?

"I'll go check on her," I muttered getting up. Carlisle handed me a smaller plate of leftovers before we walked up the stairs together. He looked dead tired and I said my goodnights before going up to the third floor.

When I walked into the room Bella was on my bed still. Her back was facing me, but her shoulders were too tense to pass for sleeping. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Instead, I walked over and sat on the edge, running my fingers up and down her spine.

Her neck muscles relaxed and then her shoulder blades. The warm scent of food wafted around my room and she peeked up from behind her hair before sitting up a little.

Her eyes were blood shot, her skin pale. I wanted nothing more than to see the life back in her cheeks. Her eyes went to the plate and then to my chest before she actually smiled. My stomach jumped up into my throat and I found my own mouth lifting up.

"I love—" she rasped, and my palms became clammy within a fraction of a second. "My mommy."

"Huh?" I blurted. I knew I sounded like a jack ass, but I only watched as giggles escaped her throat uninhibited.

Finally, after watching her point and laugh at me, I looked down at my shirt and came face to face with a nine-year-old version of myself hugging Esme. I forgot she had cleaned out my closet; Esme must have not had the heart to throw this away. My cheeks got all hot and I tried to hide my face. So that was why Carlisle was treating me like a little kid.

I didn't stop her from laughing at me—no matter how embarrassing it was. The sound of her laugh did funny things to my heart and stomach.

After a couple minutes of her trying not to choke on her own laughter, she sat up and took my offered food. She was quiet while she ate, giggling every now and then, but still not meeting my eyes. I was hoping sleep had fixed us up a little, but I guess that doesn't work unless both parties are unconscious.

"Yummy, thank you!" She smiled, her hands touching her flat stomach.

"Thank Carlisle; nothing like breakfast at five in the morning on a Saturday."

Her hands stretched up over her head and she sighed contentedly. Had I known food would rejuvenate her and make her this alive I would have made her a banquet. Hell, I would have plastered a doofy looking picture of myself on my chest for the rest of my life to hear her laugh like that.

Bella flopped backwards before she rolled onto her side, her right hand patting the open spot beside her.

I took it without hesitation, of course. I hadn't realized how bad I had it for her. My stomach flipped upwards and I could practically feel it in my throat. How had I not noticed this before? It seemed so obvious now.

I leaned on my side and stared at her wide chocolate eyes. The blankets were warm when she pulled them up to our chins, and it felt like we were kids again. The flash of Bella in my mind was a drastic change to the one in front of me, but the gestures were the same.

I remembered those nights were I came to her room and we would stay in her bed and talk for hours about everything and nothing. We would argue over books and music and even sometimes politics. None of that mattered, though. It was just the opportunity to see each other at any interval we were given. Looking at Bella here, watching her open up and let me in—even just to lie next to her—was more than I deserved. After betraying her like I did, she shouldn't have been this warm.

I think she realized the same thing, and so we laid there in comfortable silence, just looking at each other. I could have fallen asleep, but a part of me wouldn't miss this for the world. It was so _normal_ in just as many ways as it was fucked up.

We should have been talking, she should have been crying by now, my hair should been in shambles from my hands, and I'm pretty sure I should have been heartbroken. But I was none of those things at the moment.

Her shoulder moved and I saw Bella's hand emerge from under the thick blanket. Her hand moved deliberately slow towards me; she treated _me_ like the glass doll here. I had been thinking about her for once, trying to comfort her all week. Why did it matter what happened to me? I deserved the worst punishment.

Her fingers brushed over my jaw, which was screwed tight; so I released it. My nerves were screaming in their circuits throughout my body. I could feel my skin flush and my heart palpitate in my chest. All this from the gentle sensation of her fingers.

My eyes fluttered closed and I reveled in the touch of her soft skin. She traced over my jaw to my cheekbones, down the bridge of my nose, and then to the dark circles under my eyes.

I felt each gentle caress as I was gone to the world of sleep.

* * *

Glaring sun hit me full on and I popped up from my bed like a fucking Jack-in-a-box. Esme was standing by my window with a _look_ on her face. That look was either "get the hell out of bed" or "we need to talk". Please let it be the first.

"You slept through half of the weekend." Her eyebrows pulled down and she frowned at me.

"Sorry, I was tired."

"Bella slept over?"

"Oh, yeah, she did." I scratched the back of my neck, feeling the skin on my face heat up. I probably took it out of context.

Bella had slept over hundreds of times. She'd slept in this same bed with me before, and she also came on this very bedspread. It was strange now—considering I told the girl I loved her—that Esme had _somehow,_ in my diluted mind, caught me in the act.

She smiled suddenly and her whole face lit up. I found myself smiling along with her. "You two made up, then?"

My smile disappeared. "Uh, not exactly—but kind of,"

"Well that's still good. She left this morning and said she'd be at home if you needed her."

"Thanks, mom," I yawned. She smiled and left a stack of laundry on my desk before turning and heading out into the hallway, some melody on her lips.

I hopped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. The toilet gleamed in all its glory and I sighed when my pants were down and one hand was on the wall into front of me. _Sweet relief,_ I thought.

The shower was too cold when I jumped in. I shivered until the water was scalding and then grabbed onto my shampoo and lathered up. I could still smell Bella in here; strawberry and freesia permeated every thought I had. I stood completely still, just memorizing the taste and texture around me. The shampoo in my hair slipped to my eyes, distracting me.

"Gah!"

I was out in a heartbeat, toweling off with the same one that Bella had used. I smiled to myself and scrambled through my clothes as I searched for something _decent_.

Slacks? Was that too formal? I pulled out jeans and grabbed a belt, but decided against it. A T-shirt or a button-up? Didn't she like to unbutton them? I grabbed a button up and rolled the sleeved to my forearm.

I'd never paid this much attention to the way I looked before, so why did it matter now? Bella wasn't going to just pop out on her porch and tell me how much she adored me in my casual tenseness.

I ran my hands through my wet hair and shook it like a dog. _Calm down, calm down,_ I chanted over and over again.

I ran out of my room and down the stairs, passing by the kitchen to grab my keys and an apple, mumbling a bye to Esme, and then outside to the garage. I jammed the keys into the ignition and then drove as quickly as I could to the only place my body would allow.

The small green shrubs gave way to long gravel roads that I'd become so familiar to in the past years. My heart kept speeding and racing in my chest and I really wished I had an inhaler so I could at least have something to calm me the fuck down.

I was ready to scream and shout if I didn't see her. This was too much suspense; I might as well just run myself off the road and end this. If she said she didn't love me, could I really be her BFF? It was too much to hope for and therefore I didn't hope for it.

If she told me she didn't love me, I'd keep my distance, let her go—or try my hardest—and if she said she did, well, that was good, right? I loved her so much that it was completely scary and unnatural, but at the same time I hoped it was a sign of endearment.

I had to stop thinking about this. I was gonna end up going into some kind of shock before I got there. If things didn't go well, there was always the drive back; and they just put up a shiny new guardrail, too.

Finally, I pulled up to her house. The small thing called to me and pulled me in. Bella was here; she was in that house and probably, maybe, hopefully waiting for me. Oh God.

"Jesus, Cullen! Calm it down!" I yelled at myself. "Deep breaths," I tried to calm myself down, and once my breathing was down, I jumped out of the car while I still had the chance.

I knocked on the door like I was some kind of stranger and didn't have the key in my pocket. It just didn't feel right to walk in and look like I owned the place. This was my second home, but right now I was behind on rent.

I heard a thud on the other side of the door before the lock clicked and the door reeled open. And there she was, in all her glory. Bella stood at the door with a tired expression on her face and wearing one of my elementary school baseball shirts.

She waved her hand to come in and I followed behind her like a lovesick puppy. Her hair was up in a bun on the top of her head and I could see the embroidered _Cullen _on her back. It made a shiver ripple down my spine.

I followed her and watched her ass while she walked up the stairs. Who could blame me? It was like a perfect little peach that I just wanted to sink my teeth into. I grimaced again; what was wrong with me?

Her parent's bedroom door was open with no one inside it. My stomach dropped to my ankles; we were alone. No one was here to hear her scream, well, if it happened. I hadn't had sex since I had been with her. I felt like a pig thinking about her like that, but at same time I had a hard time _not_ thinking about her.

She walked into her room. Her decrepit computer was making a loud humming sound and she sat in the little chair, clicking open a file, printing it, and then shutting it off.

She held up the file in her hand. "History paper."

Oh, yeah, forgot about that. "I'm on top of it, don't worry." She smiled at me; her eyes were lit, catching me unprepared. Like it wasn't the first time.

Bella stood up from her chair and sat on the bed, her hand patting the spot beside her. I swallowed hard before sitting down.

It was… awkward to say the least. I felt like a complete pussy twiddling my thumbs on the verge of whistling, but I sat there. It was completely stupid. We knew each other for over a decade and yet here we sat in this hot mess of a situation and acting all confused and shy. Fuck that. I was so damn tired of waiting. Like Carlisle said, I wasn't a patient child.

"Why'd you leave?"

"I had to do a paper. I can't fabricate a five page essay on the importance of social movements an hour before school starts." She shrugged at the end, like that would justify it to me.

"You could have woken me up."

"You were sleeping like a baby; you didn't sleep enough the other… night." Her voice wavered a little and my stomach rolled a bit.

I nodded my head dumbly and looked at my feet on the floor. Why was this so difficult? All I do is call her out and make her blush and splutter and have her spit out whether she hated me or if was indifferent.

"So, speaking of the _other night_…" My tone was light, but my lungs were filled with lead, choking me and suffocating me to the point of pain. "S-sorry about that—walking out I mean. I guess when things don't swing my way I over react, and, yeah."

"I understand," she whispered. Her hand that rested on her lap moved out onto the bedspread and her fingers gently moved over mine. The lead lifted a bit, but not much. It was a comforting gesture, but it could mean several things.

"I just don't think you do," I blurted. "I mean, you were so upset by it and I know that you had every right to be, but it's just how I cope when I'm fucking _scared out of my mind_."

"What?" Her voice was a hoarse whisper and she looked up at me. I had to pull my mind together before I realized what I'd just said. Why try to censor it anymore? What was the point?

I turned on my ass and faced her directly, her tired brown eyes wide with curiosity and I was beginning to wonder if she even heard me that night. Her cheeks stained suddenly, her eyes held mine, but she seemed too shy. It shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't be like I was asking her to an elementary school dance.

We were best friends for God sakes! We'd been through everything together!

"I'm just gonna come straight out and fucking say it because I'm so tired of playing these little mind games with looks and gestures. I meant what I said before, and I'll gladly say it again, Bella. No, look at me." I grabbed her chin and made her look at me.

Her eyes were filled with tears when she looked back up. I'd have given my left nut to know what was going on in that head of hers at that moment.

Both of her hands latched onto my hand and pried it from her jaw and she moved back a bit. _Oh shit, _I thought,_ maybe being blunt and forceful wasn't the way to go._ How the hell was I supposed to know that? I'd spent the greater part of my romantic life being an ass to girls and watching them come back to me.

She stood up from the bed then, her eyes looking at the floor, tears flowing down her flushed cheeks. On God no, I couldn't watch her cry again. Why was she always crying when I was around her? I wanted her to laugh like yesterday morning again. I wanted that carefree smile that seemed too good—

She had been faking it.

Dear sweet Jesus, she was smiling and laughing to let me down easy. My stomach officially left the room. It sank to the soles of my feet and down into the living room and straight to the depths of hell.

My hands began to tremble terribly. She didn't look at me, though. Her eyes were set on the warn wood of the floor. My throat bubbled with a lump and no matter how much I swallowed it back I knew I was going to choke.

"I… can't," she mumbled to the floor. "It's just not right, Edward. You can't just say that—"

"I'm not just saying it, I mean it—I mean it, Bella, with all my heart I really mean it." My voice quivered and her head lifted just a bit before she brought it back down.

"There's been a lot of… confusion, and pain, and emotion. How can you know what you really mean? Haven't you told other people that before?" She paused, and I couldn't even find my voice to lie and comfort her. So she closed her eyes and I watched as her shoulders shook. "That's what I mean, Edward. You _can't_ know."

My voice was thick and dry, so much that when I spoke it came out as a little whisper that was unintelligible to even my ears.

So, being the large baby that I am, I groaned out a hoarse sound with my voice cracking in several places, and dug my hands into my hair.

I stood up and faced her directly, but she just stared at the floor. Good, I couldn't do this if I saw her crying.

"You know what? I _don't_ know that. But I'm trying my damndest for you. I _think_ I love you so much that my heart keeps scratching my ribs to jump out. I _think _I want you so badly that my hands shake when you're close enough. I guess all this shit means I've just got an illness then, huh? Maybe I should just have Carlisle cut out my heart and serve it to you. While he's at it you may as well just take my nuts, because I'll never look at anyone the same way again."

Her head snapped up after my little speech and she looked… almost _pissed_. The tears from before—from whatever burden she was carrying on her shoulders—transformed into hate. I swallowed and my leg shook a bit before I stood straighter.

"You are so _selfish_!" Her voice screamed at me, loud and clear. "Here's the thing, Edward, I don't know if you can justify this, because I sure as hell can't. You go off and sleep with other girls on a regular basis, you leave me by myself when you go and ditch me at the mall, at a party, or anywhere that someone is calling for you. You're unreliable more than you are reliable, and you just say stupid things that piss me off!

But you know what? You can't take all the blame for this. I deserve it—that's right, I'm taking blame where blame is responsible. I shouldn't have _let_ you do that to me. I should have learned my lesson and instead of following after you, believing you against my better judgment, and just wanting you to be like you were when we were nine.

How can you expect me to take this and go with it? This is exactly what I did before. You sweet talked me into ultimately letting you fuck me, and then you walked out! Do you know what that did to me? Do you know how much I think about that? It hurts! I'm tired of it hurting!"

She fell to the floor, tears dripping quickly to the ground. I closed my eyes and tried not to run to her right there. I wasn't her most favourite person at the moment. She sniffed and sobbed and called me a jackass.

She was completely right, though. I was a jackass and everything else in the book.

I hadn't even realized this. I _was_ selfish; all of that stuff hadn't even entered my mind before she screamed it at me. No, we weren't okay. We were far from okay.

"B—but," she hiccupped, "but the w—worst part is, I'd pr—probably do it again." My eyes snapped open and I stared directly at her swollen red eyes. She hiccupped again and my leg twitched to move forward.

"Bella…"

"I'm stupid, I—I know." She smiled to herself and then let out a sob. "I'd do it again, b—because no mat—matter how much it hurt, I still love y—you." My body went rigid in an instant, waiting for her to pull the carpet out from under my feet. It was too good to true.

"You don't have to say that, Bella."

"No—it's true. It's stupid and true a—and I knew it all along. But th—that doesn't make it right at all."

"Bella, we can make this work. I swear, we can make this work."

"It won't be the same!" She looked up, her face absolutely hopeless. I couldn't hold back anymore. I walked over to her; nothing in the world could keep me away anymore.

I dropped down on my knees and pulled her into my arms. She put her head in my neck, her hands grabbing at my shirt with all her strength—and then she punched me.

I shut my eyes and let her beat away at me. I was a fucking masochist, so why not? I expected her to hit me a long time ago, and I was way overdue. So I felt her hit me and punch me, her teeth bit at my skin and she tried to shake from my embrace, but I held fast.

And soon, once she was tired of bruising me, she collapsed. Her hands pulled me closer instead of pushing me away; her lips kissed my skin instead of marking me. I'd gladly let her mark me all she wanted.

I smiled a little when she started to chant my name with her sobs. Her little hands touched me all over. She clutched at the fabric of my shirt and touched my skin, her arms wrapping around my neck and just sending me all these crazy mixed signals.

"I love you… I love you… I love you…" she whispered into my neck when she stopped trying to kill me and decided to love me instead. She just sat in front me, her arms wrapped my waist, and my arms wrapped around her whole torso. "I'm sorry… I love you…"

"I love you, too." I didn't even know if she could my hoarse voice that was stifled by her hair, but I believed she did. I wanted her to. "I'm sorrier than you'll ever be, baby."

* * *

**A/N: Am I forgiven just a teensy bit? I brought Carlisle in _and_ they started to resolve some issues.**

**I'll probably be posting up a new story soon, so if you like this one, keep your eyes out. The characters are a bit the same, but there's a lot more... feeling in the new one.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	16. Chapter 16

Okay, I was an emotional wreck. Besides the fact that I had been PMSing like all hell, Edward's confusing emotions and mixed signals were spurring on all kinds of horrible things in me.

I wanted to scream and yell at him, make him bleed and tear out his eyes all in one instance. I wanted to smash his skull and sew his stupid apple eating lips up. He was telling me the truth one moment, and a lie the next. I had every right to be angry, I had every right to be murderous, and I had every right to be suicidal.

So I cried for the pain that he brought upon me, and the pain that I brought on myself—which was more than I could bear. It wasn't fair. I'd stood dutifully at his side and put up with everything with an air of what I thought was calm integrity. All I'd been doing was letting it stew and fester to a rotting pile that was frying my nerves and pulling at my subconscious for weeks—months—years.

But, at the same time, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to hug him until all the pain was gone and he made everything better with his carefree attitude. I just wanted him to tell me he loved me without it being an innocent friendly gesture. We could kiss and touch without all the hiding that seemed more like a game at times.

Edward made me fell good, hell, he made me feel great. But there was more to it. We'd gained and lost so much with his bluntness, and now it was finally saving us.

We were stupid to think that fooling around would help us out in any way. I should have turned him down; any girl with a brain should have turned him down, but I wanted my best friend back. I wanted Edward back.

Why do these things always have to end badly? Teenage friendship and romance movies either end up with a completely unbelievable fairytale ending where their past never comes back to bite them in the ass, or someone ends up dead or just alive enough in the hospital to choke out an 'I love you' before they croak.

I didn't want Edward to die in some tragic accident. I'd leave him right now and never say another word again if I thought that was going to happen.

No, we'd be the teenagers who fucked each other over emotionally and would probably never end up the same. Therapy would only be a waste of money at this point. Talking to anyone else wouldn't have done a damn thing. I needed to talk to the source of my problem.

So, _somehow _in all that mess, we'd ended up on the floor of my bedroom spooning. It was weird. I'd spooned with Edward before, but it wasn't like… _this_.

His lips were on the back my head, his hands were hugging me close to his body, and he threw the thick quilt over us.

There was still something hanging in the air, though. The biggest question of them all had yet to be discussed. Edward's blurting had gotten us to spill it. He knew I loved him, I knew he loved me. We were one happy little blob on the floor with a depressing mood hanging over us.

I touched his cast and brought the hand up to kiss his swollen knuckles. When my lips touched his skin he nuzzled his face further into my hair.

"You never told me what happened." I mumbled.

"You never asked."

"I was trying to respect your privacy."

"I punched the shower wall."

"Why?"

His hand flexed into a fist and he sighed. "I was mad at myself, at the world, at the wall."

"What about the growth on your shoulder?"

"You noticed that?"

"It was kind of hard not to. When you took your shirt off before it was… oozing." I made a face and he chuckled.

"I'm hoping it'll swallow me whole. I've grown rather attached to it. We balance each other out; I keep it alive by not letting it heal, and it keeps reminding me of my mistakes."

I turned to face him then, no longer able to speak to him without looking at his expression. "What mistakes?"

"That… night," my face fell and he sighed. "You bit there, remember? I haven't been letting it heal. It's starting to hurt more, though. I think I'm getting a staph infection.." His nose wrinkled and he made a face.

"Please let it heal?" I asked, my body turning into his as if it was nothing. He froze for a second before his arms pulled me closer.

"Alright… but only because you asked so nicely." He whispered, his lips back on my head.

The room was quiet again. The gentle sounds of our breathing were the only thing that echoed through my small, silent room. It was so relaxing, this brief moment of complete relaxation; besides the fact that we had so much to deal with before anything could be meaningful.

"What do we do now?" I whispered into his chest. I felt his heart speed up under my lips and he shrugged nonchalantly. So this is what he was talking about. My self-confidence went sky high in that moment. He was being honest; I really did affect him like that.

"I'm not sure, I'm new to this."

"Ditto," I sighed.

"I guess since I'm trying to earn your trust back and everything we need to, like, date or something." I smiled and my body shook with silent laughter. "What?" He asked, pulling me away from him to look at my face.

"You seem so scared."

His mouth screwed to the side and he tried to hide a smile. "I've never been on a date—well, a _real_ date. The underlying objective was always to get laid. We'll have to make conversation and all that."

I had to roll my eyes, it was just so appropriate. "We've done that before plenty of times, it'll be easy."

His arms crushed me back to his chest and when he spoke I could hear the grin in his voice. "Fine then. I'm taking you out tomorrow night."

"No funny business."

"No funny business, I promise."

I bit my lip and looked up at him. We were going on a date. We were going on an actual date, just the two of us, and not going as _just friends. _The whole dreary mood that hung over us evapourated and released little spores of contentment to grow over us.

So in a very tame movement that might be shared between two people who love each other, Edward leaned over and touched his lips gently onto mine.

It was so calm, so gentle, but as soon as he touched me, my whole body lit on fire and every piece of me was screaming with a newly found energy. Just as he pulled away I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him back in.

He rolled on top of me in an instant. His hands were on my hips and his waist started this delectable grinding motion. I didn't care that we were moving too fast at the moment; I was sexually frustrated beyond belief.

My hands were running over the skin of his chest and suddenly my shirt was over my head, my nipples sticking straight up at him. Edward's mouth made a beeline towards them, his fingers pinching and pulling and his hips rocking so wonderfully.

I could feel something rushing down, but it wasn't the same as when I was with Edward before. It was too slow, not moving fast enough to saturate my panties.

Oh dear God, why now of all times?

"Wait!" I gasped, my hands pushing at his shoulders. "Edward, stop!" Immediately he was up, and his eyes were frustrated and worried all in one. Well, at least I wasn't the only one.

I hopped up from the floor, not bothering to fix my clothes as I ran to the bathroom, ignoring the dull ache between my legs.

As soon as the toilet was in sight I dropped my pants and grabbed the toilet paper next to me. Sure enough, there was a line of red. I groaned loudly and banged my head on the counter beside me.

"Great timing, God," I mumbled to myself. Edward knocked on the door and I flinched.

"You okay, Bella?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "I'm just dandy."

I groped blindly under the counter until I found a tampon and then pulled my pants back up. Well, at least we wouldn't be humping like bunnies the first week.

* * *

Edward ended up spending the night, much to Charlie's dismay. He knew we weren't on the best of terms beforehand, and how could he deny a sleepover between friends?

In all honesty, once he went to the bathroom he came out a bit more lighthearted. I think it was because I left the little box of tampons peeking out from the cabinet. Nevertheless, he went into the garage to get the old sleeping bag for Edward before going into the living room to watch the Seahawks.

"I can't fucking believe this," Edward grumbled below me.

"What? That you have to sleep on the floor because Charlie's here, or that you can't take advantage of me in my sleep?" I mumbled sleepily.

"Both," he sighed, his bag shifting below me. "I like it when you sleep at my house more; at least I have carpeting. This floor is so uncomfortable."

"You wanna switch?"

"No, always let the ladies have the bed."

"Thanks buddy." I grinned cheekily at him. He rolled his eyes at me, his hand rubbing over them before peeking out at me.

"Wanna make out?"

"Nope."

"'Kay. Night, Bella,"

"Night, Edward."

* * *

That morning we got up earlier for school, me showering and changing while Edward drove home to get clean clothes that hadn't been sitting in my closet for weeks. I would have returned them, but now I would probably be wearing them more often.

We stopped by a drive-through take-out place for breakfast on our way to school. Edward managed to write his U.S. history paper before he came to pick me up. It was five pages double spaced that looked more like triple, and it was completely bull-shitted, but he still carried it off well.

I bit into my muffin before stuffing his paper back into his bag and slinging my backpack over my shoulder. The parking lot was completely full by the time we got there and anyone who was in the lot turned to look at Edward's car.

My eyes snapped closed before I groaned out loud. Edward was at my door and opening it for me in an instant.

"What?" he asked, his French toast hanging from between his teeth while he pulled me out.

"I still have to deal with what happened on Friday."

"Oh," he mumbled while scarfing down the rest of his toast.

We were in the junior lot when his hand grabbed onto mine. I looked up at him quickly, but he kept his nervous gaze forward, concentrating too hard on the doors to the school.

"Um, is this, I mean, okay? Too fast or something?" He stuttered. I only nodded before we continued walking to the large red doors.

People under the overhang who were safe from the light drizzle stared at us in disbelief. I saw some sophomore girl's mouth actually _pop_ open. I swallowed and let the hot flush cover my face before ducking behind my hair.

"Everyone's staring," I mumbled.

Edward snorted beside me. "Let them stare all they want."

He walked me to Spanish—hand in hand—and stopped right outside the door. He leaned casually against the wall before grinning at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Is this the part where I kiss you goodbye?"

"I think you have to wait until our first date to do a public kiss," I mumbled.

"That's no fun." He paused, his lips pursing before he leaned forward. I started toward him before he swerved his face to the side and kissed my cheek instead.

And like the bastard he was, he grinned and walked away. I walked into my class in a daze, ignoring everyone around me as I stared at the board in astonishment of how much things had changed.

Last time I had been in this room I was depressed and completely confused with my life. And while the confusion was still there, only less defined, I was happier than I had been in a while.

The rest of my classes went by in a blur of mixed topics and subjects. The people around me were completely blocked out. I didn't want to hear the hushed whispers of how I got punch poured all over me, even though it was completely unreasonable.

I heard little murmurs about how I was holding hands with Edward Cullen and how I was his newest girl, even though we'd known each other for a good decade.

It was all nonsense to me, because all that mattered was that I wanted to see him. I wanted to see Edward and touch him, and kiss him. I wanted our date to be now so that I could see where he was taking me. My instructions were to dress nicely and that was it.

When I walked into my math classroom he was already there, his backpack on a desk and his head propped on his hand while writing something on a piece of paper..

"Ooh… math homework?"

"I was occupied," he mumbled, putting in Xs and random Pythagorean theorems wherever he thought they needed it.

"Missed one." I pointed to number five and he smiled at the paper while writing it in.

For the rest of class… well, I don't remember what the teacher rambled on about. I _do_ know that she was on the verge of kicking Edward out of class if he didn't stop talking to me, though. He only grinned at her like a bastard with a smug 'oh yeah?' grin, and she turned to finish teaching up her lesson.

And so we walked to lunch. We were slow, holding each other's hands, and making our easy calm pace past the flocks of people waiting to ingest their food.

People gave us the strangest looks, but I tried not to take it personally. Maybe if people were focused on Edward and I they wouldn't bring up Friday.

Of course, even thinking of Friday left a bad taste in my mouth. I saw a glimpse of Jessica's curly head walking by, her nose held high in the air, and her mini skirt flapping in the wind.

The only thing that bothered me was my small group of friends sitting slowly at the table that we'd marked since freshman year.

I had an apple in my hand and carton of milk as I sat down and Edward pulled out a pocket knife I'd gotten him for his thirteenth birthday before carving the skin off in a clean ringlet.

"What? So you guys are a thing now?" Rosalie asked, her mouth full of enchilada.

"S'bout damn time," Jasper muttered. Alice elbowed his ribs and he forked a bite of corn.

"Good for you," she smiled

Emmett gave a big thumbs up in the direction of Edward. "Careful you don't break her, buddy." Edward stiffened beside me and I reached out to grab onto his thigh before he could say anything back.

That was the last thing we needed.

"Yeah," he muttered, crumpling the apple skin into a ball.

"I think we should give them 'the talk'." Jasper announced. My face paled before I leaned into Edward's side.

"It's only fair," Rosalie shrugged. "Remember when we all made you and Alice sit down for the talk? I've never seen someone look more scared than at that moment." She grinned and nudged Alice with her shoulder.

"Shut up. I don't think so; the look on Bella's face is priceless as it is." Alice winked at me, and I was grateful yet again.

I lightened my brow and shot her a thankful glance before picking up an apple slice and eating it. Banter continued all throughout lunch, but most of it was lost on me.

My mind was focused on Edward's arm that was wrapped around my waist and his hand resting on my thigh. It started off innocent, his fingers brushing over my knee. His hot hand enveloped my outer thigh before moved so it rested inside.

My eyelids were drooping by the end of the period. And so I couldn't be happier when the bell rang and the halls were so congested that he could only follow me by my hand.

"That's not fair," I snapped at him when we got into our seats. "You can't do that kind of stuff."

"What stuff?" he asked wryly.

"You know," I mumbled before looking away. His arm shot out around my waist and he pulled me to his side, his lips in my hair and on the skin of my forehead and cheek.

"No, I don't think I do, Bella."

"This," I breathed, trying to halfheartedly wiggle out of his grasp. He let me go this time, but his finger stayed connected to one of my belt loops.

"I'll drop you off at home at the end of the day, and you get ready for our date." He smiled at the end. His eyes lit up completely and I smiled back.

"Alright, where are we going exactly?"

"Jeez, Bella, so impatient." He shook his mockingly. "It's a surprise. I promise you you'll like it."

I could deal with that. It was only a couple hours, right?

We were going on a date.

A real, full fledged date.

My heart swelled a little in my chest.

* * *

**A/N: No humping bunnies, sowwy. :D**

**Midterms are murdering me very slowly, they take up all of my time and frustrate me to no end. My math grade on whether I pass or fail is dependent on midterms. I'm scared. O.O**

**I almost choked on my own breath when I saw I'm close to a thousand reviews. I just hit a thousand on Labour of Devotion and nothing would make midterm week better than a thousand of those suckers. :D**

**Don't forget to review!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Has anyone seen the Otep Shamaya promo shot? One word: HOT! Go over to the Legion Otep(dot)com and check it out. The front banner is the shirt I got when I saw them Live. Evil J called me pretty. :D**

**I have a special announcement at the bottom. :)**

* * *

"Bella Italia?"

"Yep."

"Oh come on, Edward," Bella grumbled turning around, her hands on her hips.

I got zipper burn just looking at her hips. She was a wearing a dress—something _very_ unusual—and all I could think about was how I could get my hands under it.

And then I thought of the blood.

And my hard-on died a little.

I guess that explained why Bella was so overly emotional and crying this whole week. Not to mention the sudden angered outbursts. Well, I deserved those, but she wasn't usually that bad.

I'd turned this date into a Black Tie Event. We were standing outside of the newly renovated Italian restaurant where valet was currently checking my car and reservations. The last time I came here it was a small diner off the highway and now there were schmucks in blazers dining with fake blondes and plastic chested bimbos.

Oh wait; there was a brunette here now..

Bella made a face when we entered. What the hell was her problem? She loved Italian; it was what she always cooked and went on about for food at any occasion.

A tan guy with a gleaming smile led us to our table and spoke to us about calling him over whenever we were ready—never putting away his teeth.

His eyes went to Bella before he left, and I thought I saw a bit more gum in his smile this time. I wasn't losing my girl to a smiley, waxed, fake Italian man. Fuck that.

"What's with the death glare?" Bella asked, she gulped down her water and straightened up her napkin.

Huh, nervous habits…

"Nothing. Yue Minjun over there is just creeping me out."

She rolled her eyes and smiled a little, but she continued to play around with her napkin, moving it from one spot to another. She pulled a corner off and moved it a little before sweeping it under the burgundy cloth napkin that seemed to contradict the paper napkin's meaning on the table.

Her eyes swept over the thin menu and she looked on in a bit of interest, but her brown eyes looked so distant while she read it.

This was pissing me off.

I was trying my damndest to do this whole… _boyfriend_ thing with her and here she was acting all moody!

I clenched my jaw and I could feel my lips pursing off to the side before I could control it. Smiles decided to drop by and ask in a thick Italian accent what _bella_ ordered for.

Dick.

Don't call my woman beautiful.

Bella smiled a little and ordered something with a lot of parmesan and sauce. I spouted my order through gritted teeth and Smiles walked away with an unnatural pep in his step.

"What's your deal?" She asked, her eyebrows pulled together in confusion, and that better not have been anger. What reason did Little Miss Moody have to be pissed at me?

"You wanna know?"

"Yeah, Edward, I do. Why are you acting like a jerk?"

"Okay, one, because these pants are _hugging_ my crotch, two, our waiter is becoming a little too familiar with your chest, and three because you're acting like a sulky little kid.." I spat.

Her left eye twitched a little and she looked angry.

_Oh shit._

"You know what? I have the right to be pissy if I want to." She veered her eyes off to the side and took a gulp from her water again.

I could see the tablecloth shifting slowly and I figured she was shaking her leg.

Nervous ticks… leg shaking, not making eye contact, and avoiding something unspoken…

"What's wrong, Bella?" I asked, my voice dropping an octave into an almost whisper. She swallowed and her anger seemed to disappear.

"I don't know. I just… I've been thinking,"

My eyes closed slowly and I swallowed hard.

"Yeah?" I rasped. She sat up straighter and her hands were up in front of her, flailing about while she stumbled over her words. I almost smiled at her.

"No, no, no, it's got nothing to do with _us_ like that." She giggled a little hysterically. _Completely_ reassuring me. "You know this is my first date right?"

"Oh," relief flooded through my chest and I let out a breath. "Yeah, mine, too. I guess we're both new at making a relationship work, huh?"

"You've got some idea to it," she murmured.

"No, you probably have more. My idea of a date's been drive in theatres and the backseat of my car." I laughed, running a hand through my hair that Esme had fussed over for twenty minutes. "So… let's just do what feels… natural?"

She nodded one and took another sip of water. "Mmhmm."

Had I hoped this would pass smoothly? The awkwardness had only just begun.

We kind of sat there, nothing passing and stabilizing any conversation, until the waiter came back with his large grin and calling my girlfriend beautiful while he carefully sat the white china down in front of us.

I wanted to strangle him with his yellow scarf and pluck the bad hair plugs from his head.

"You give him the same look every time he comes by," Bella told me, completely passive while she popped a ravioli in her mouth. My eyes were glued to her lips. She had lip gloss on…

"Huh? Oh, yeah, he keeps calling you _bella_ and it's annoying me."

"Why? That's my name, silly,"

"You think he knows that?" I asked incredulously.

"You're jealous," she stated, a grin lighting up her face. Her shiny coated lips pulled apart and I smiled a little myself.

"No."

"Yeah you are," she pointed her fork in my direction and covered her mouth while she giggled.

"Maybe," I shrugged back. It was good to hear her laugh. I was tired of crying, I was tired of screaming, and I was definitely tired of her frown.

"Okay, it's cute that you're jealous and all, but you obviously have _no_ gaydar whatsoever."

"Huh?"

"That boy is obviously playing the colours, Edward. Did you see his scarf? The French are fashion forward, not the Italians."

I looked across the way and saw him leaning over… examining a chick's diamond earrings when he could have been gazing at the rocks lining her chest.

"Okay." I blew out noisily and sank in my chair from my stiff posture. "Alright, so my blind furry may have marred my reason."

"Just a little."

"A bit."

I couldn't say the rest of the night went on without any problems and that it was perfect and a completely gorgeous moment to mark on the history of our relationship.

Truth be told, we passed the evening with banter that wouldn't have passed for half-conscious babble on our best day. I kept feeling like there was going to be something to lean on, something in the room that would happen to bring up the witty humour in us, but I never got my crutch.

Was this how relationships worked? The awkwardness was expected; of course I had anticipated all that. I had a lot of relationship drama and fights to make up for, but the unbearable _silence_ was what rotted and festered inside of me until I had to wave over the waiter and leave.

Nothing was solved that night. We didn't talk the future, but we didn't talk about the past either, and it was for the best. We couldn't rely on our impenetrable friendship for the rest of this, and we needed to work out those things that were going unsaid.

I prepaid for the meal before we went, gave a nice tip, and left before Bella could complain about me paying for her.

In the car we couldn't shut up; we were laughing loudly and speaking like old times, but that worried me. When romance entered upon us we clammed up, but in the calm moments between tense positions, we were free and light.

I drove her home, walked her to the door, kissed her goodnight, and watched while Charlie peeked curiously out through the window.

Have fun explaining, Bella!

The whole ride home I thought about what had just happened, and what it meant. I didn't want to put a label on us as in "Mission Impossible", but I still couldn't shake this feeling of unease.

I wanted this to work. And dammit, it _was_ going to work.

* * *

The rest of week went surprisingly well. I was in shock at how normal things seemed to be.

Well, with Bella and me, anyway. Things at school still irritated the hell out of me. I beat up six kids, including Newton, for even bringing up Friday. Emmett and Jasper had scoped out all the guys, taking them behind the school or the bathroom and so on. Alice and Rosalie had taken care of the girls; some of the bitchy things they said to them made _me_ feel bad.

We had a silent pact to not tell Bella.. She'd only worry about it more, and last thing she needed on her plate was another serving of worry.

I took Bella to a movie two days after our first date, and though we ended up in a heavy tongue twisting make out, we actually spoke more through the movie.

We held hands, kissed, spooned, and all that other couple stuff. It didn't feel weird to know that we loved each other.

It felt _right_.

Charlie had decided to take matters into his own hands, in that he had _The Talk_ with me. I'd already had that same lecture about five years back, but it was ten times worse knowing that he was warning me about something I'd already experienced firsthand; something which I was desperately trying to repress

Sleepovers were now heavily supervised.

My parents, on the other hand, well… they wouldn't leave us alone. Esme had a permanent gleam in her eyes. Whenever I'd go to pick up Bella, or say her name, or go out on a date with her, Esme would be there and trying to tidy me up for her.

Carlisle wasn't the least bit surprised; he clapped a hand on my shoulder and smiled before he walked off. The only thing I heard him mutter was something like "bout time".

Our first week was awkward, but it was also helpful in that I learned a lot more about her. It was easier to connect; we laughed, talked and spent time together for hours upon hours. That part wasn't bad; it was only when we came down to actually discussing the reason why we were here.

She was still hurt by it.

And it killed me.

So whenever I saw her eyes glaze over, and the little vein in her neck pulse up, I dropped the conversation and tried to divert her attention. I didn't have it in me to see her cry after all the smiling she'd been doing lately.

This brought me to another matter.

We hadn't said we loved each other in the entire time since we started dating.

She didn't say it, so I didn't sat it. When the moment felt right, I couldn't choke the damn words up, and I just _knew_ she was trying to give me my space. I considered texting her, stupid little love notes to get her to say it, but I had already decreased my masculinity enough over the past weeks for a life time.

So here I was, lying across her bed, watching her try to take notes from an ancient history book, with the tip of her pen in her mouth, and her arm trying to hold her up while she thought intently. She'd been staring at the same page for over fifteen minutes.

"Bell?"

Her head snapped up and she looked at me like I just entered the room and decided to take a nap on her bed. She bit her lip and smiled at me, but her left hand curled a bit, forcing her fingers to grip tighter on the pen.

"Huh? Oh, sorry, I'm just trying to memorize these dates." She grinned sheepishly and I sat up on the bed, throwing my legs off and walking towards her, and picked up the textbook.

"Beginning of the seven years war?" I read.

"Umm… seventeen… fifty four."

"Ending of the seven years war?"

"Seventeen sixty two."

"Battle of Champion hill?"

"Eighteen sixty two."

I sighed and put the book down on the desk. "Bella, those were wrong. You were under a year on each one."

"Oh, I guess I need to study more then." She picked up the book and her eyes traced over the page again.

"You know all of these." I stated and she looked up at me. "You know all the dates of battles and wars; it's your strong point in history. What's really on your mind?"

She bit her lip and I grabbed a chair close to her desk and sat on it backwards, resting my chin on my folded arms. Bella didn't look up at me again; her eyes were trained on her hands, which were uncapping and capping her pen.

I watched her do it for at least three minutes before my thin patience snapped and I grabbed the pen and threw it out the open window.

"Edward!"

"Enough. Talk already."

She puffed up her cheeks in anger and crossed her arms indignantly. Go ahead, baby, I can do this all day.

"Either you talk or I leave. No more pouty face and pissy attitude." I grabbed her chin and turned her face towards mine. I leaned across the chair and kissed her lips chastely before pulling away.

"Fine!" She cried exasperatedly. "I think we should stop avoiding the big subject and finally talk about it."

Her cheeks flamed up and she bent her head forward to hide her face behind her hair. It's about time one of us acted on that.

"You're right, do you want to start, or should I? I've had a lot of time to think over everything."

"Sure, you go first." I tapped under her chin and she looked up at me, her eyes wary and a little sad.

It would kill me to see her cry, but if this is what it took for us to be better, I'd do it.

"Okay, firstly, of course I'm sorry. Things were said that neither of us thought would affect the future, or we just weren't thinking at the time, but now I can see where you were coming from. All your anxieties before from being jealous, I didn't really register that."

"Yeah, I noticed that." she said dryly.

"Ssh! Let me finish. Within the last few days I get where that jealousy comes from. I swear I was gonna kill Newton if he said your name one more time in auto shop. But I understand now that if you felt the same way as me, deep down, it would kill you like what it did to me—"

"At the time," she murmured, "it was just the fear that I was losing my best friend, there weren't really feelings there besides that."

"Same here," I sighed. "I mean, I've always loved you as my best friend, like family, but I guess it wasn't until I started to notice you physically, you know, soft skin, nice smell, and your tits." I grinned and she slapped my shoulder. "And when we entered this whole… deal, I just thought I'd get to satiate what I wanted and that'd be the end of that."

"Looks like you got stuck with me."

"I don't mind the alternative at all."

I leaned forward, and just as our lips brushed, she stopped. Her lips were just touching mine, gently brushing against me. I loved her even more in that moment.

"I still love you as my best friend," she whispered. "But now I love you as my lover, too."

I didn't pause as my lips crashed down on hers. She was thrown off her seat, and I came tumbling down with her to the ground. My body rolled under hers to soften the blow and we gasped as the hard cherry wood impacted with our skin.

She laughed breathlessly against my lips and I grinned back.

"I love you," I whispered in her ear. I bit her earlobe and she gasped under me. "I want you."

My hand slid over her hip and under her shirt to the smooth flat skin of her stomach. I shuddered and pushed my hand further up, feeling the silky lace of her bra.

"No, we can't," she breathed. "A little bit longer, Edward."

I groaned and pushed my forehead into her shoulder before sitting both her and myself upright and holding her to my chest.

"You're killing me," I mumbled into her hair.

"A little longer. It hasn't even been a week yet." She stumbled to her feet and I kept my seat on the floor. "And besides, we're not done yet. You just can't say all that stuff without talking about it."

"Yeah, I know. Relationships are supposed to break me down and steal all of my masculinity until I'm your bitch."

"You're already my bitch."

I sighed. "Yeah."

Unfortunately, the rest of the night was spent helping Bella study for midterms. Every time I'd try to cop a feel or get too close she'd shove me away and tell me she needed to focus.

And because I was her bitch, I backed off and made flashcards of all the stuff I already knew for her. She worked hard to get her grades up, and now she needed to do well on midterms for the sake of getting a good reference on her transcripts.

I couldn't say it was all bad. Spending time with Bella in general never bored me; I liked watching her, talking to her, smiling with her. I guess that's what being in a relationship is all about. Just loving the person that you're with..

Regardless of all the shit that was still to come.

* * *

**A/N: I rather like how their date went. :D Awk-_ward_! But come on, being friends and being lovers is a big step.**

**So I have a special announcent I'd like to make. If you keep an eye on my one-shots then you might know a little story called Worshiping Kismet. Not only have I edited it (Thanks Brigitte!) but I wrote a sequal for it. It's Carlisle and Edward if you don't know, and if I get a flame for the God that is Carlisle on Edward I'll block that person from viewing, but it's very tasteful. I never sat well with ending it so abruptly. It'll be out by the weekend, preferably Saturday.**

**Don't forget to review!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Hello lovers, friends, and family!**

**As some of you may know from _Labour of Devotion _my wrist is broken.**

**My left wrist has a shallow hairline fracture right smack-dab on the bone. I'm dictating to my best friend and he's typing (:D) because I can't type for more than two minutes without getting pains in my knuckles and fingers.**

**I've been asked a ton of times what happened, and just because I obviously can't reply, here's a brief overview:**

**It's slippery outside, I grabbed the doorway so I wouldn't fall and my dad closed the door on it. I'm good, though. I got a plaster cast so it'll heal faster. A week and half tops is what the doctor said (he's was a cute doctor, too ;))**

**As soon as I'm able to write I'll post a new chapter over this A/N.**

**On the bright side I've been working on a new story. I've got a bunch of chapters done and it may not be the ideal for what I write, but I absolutely, positively adore it! The story's called _Memento Mori_ and I'll be posting the prologue Saturday and then the first chapter Sunday. So keep an eye on it.**

**Thank you for all the well-wishes, they're awesome healers. :D**

**-Love, Rose**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: So... been like three weeks since an update, but my wrist's all better, that's a plus, huh? Maybe I can redeem myself?**

* * *

"It's been more than a week," he whispered in my ear.

"Yeah, and midterms are in two days," I mumbled.

"You need to release some stress, Bella. Seriously, you've been studying non-stop for four days straight. There are only fifty questions for each one. You don't need to memorize every little detail in the books."

"Sorry I don't have a photographic memory," I snapped, turning around in the quiet library to stare my intrusive boyfriend down.

Edward raised his hands in the air and shrugged, shuffling my books under his arms. The only thing I hadn't studied for was English. We needed to read a book and talk about the symbolic meanings in it. In other words, relate it to society, the same thing we'd been doing since freshman year.

"What about _Great Gatsby_?" Edward asked, picking it up by the binding and reading the back.

"No, too common. I know at least three other people doing that one," I answered while looking through the historical fiction section.

"God, you've got a thousand books at home. You couldn't pick one from there?"

"It's all romance. I don't want love to interfere with society in my essay."

"Oh, yeah. Because love ruins everything, right?" I turned to look at him and he grinned.

"Only if it's with you," I shrugged and his grin dropped into a grimace. I laughed before moving to the autobiographical section.

"That's not funny."

"I'm sorry." I turned to hand him another book on dividing polynomials.

His eyes scanned the row of books and he reached out to grab one. "This shouldn't be here."

I grabbed the book in my hand and looked it over. "Why not?"

"It's not an autobiography. It's clearly fiction; no guy could sleep with all those girls and only end up with the Claps."

"This is perfect!" I cried, holding the book up dropping the few others that I had previously picked out. "Thank you!" I threw my arms around Edward's waist and he moved the books out of my way.

"No problem. That's what I'm here for."

I grabbed onto _Tropic of Capricorn_ and walked to the front of the library. I was suddenly thankful that I let Edward drag me off to the Port Angeles library instead of the one at school.

Midterms had taken up most of my time recently, and even though my period had ended three days before, I wasn't ready yet to kick it back up to that level with Edward.

We'd talked thoroughly about everything, and somehow getting it out in the open had cleansed most of my doubts. But the fear that we'd revert back into friendship—what we were so good at—ate at me constantly. I had to believe that he loved me like I loved him—irrevocably.

Not to mention that the drama of high school was wearing me thin. My nerves were tried, and though I hadn't come in contact with Lauren yet, I just wasn't quite ready to feel at home and at ease.

No one spoke about Friday, at least not that I'd heard of. Most of it was centered on my relationship with Edward. One day it would be, "Did you see Bella Swan holding hands with him?" and the next it would be, "He kissed her this morning before class! She's such a bitch!" Jealousy was potent; I just knew the silent torment.

Cruel looks were common; comments on how I was his new whore were in my ear constantly. I had never really noticed how many girls were after Edward before…

These were the ones that he hadn't gotten to; or they hadn't gotten to him, rather.

In two days midterms would start, go on for about four days after that, and then winter break would begin. I was more than impatient about break. I needed to take some time away from school and to be with Edward—alone.

Parental advisory sucks.

Charlie wouldn't lay off. I had a curfew set at ten, and every time Esme looked at me, I felt like she was melting me with her happiness. Renee, on the other hand, wasn't around very often. At first I thought it was because of her new job, but something started to give when she and Charlie had just… stopped fighting.

They didn't look at each other; they didn't even call each other by their names. Renee came home for the bare essentials, would ask me what was new and then she would leave for hours on end.

I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. My parents didn't look happy and made-up; they looked resigned and complacent with whatever situation they were in now.

I kept telling myself that it wasn't my business, that I had no right to intrude on their situation, and therefore that it would work itself out. That's how it goes, right?

Charlie picked up more day shifts so that he could be home with me at night—to watch me and Edward mostly. Though it didn't really matter, his overprotective dad stance wasn't doing much in the way of denying us sex.

We'd already gone that route.

And I even had terrifyingly wonderful memories of it, too.

After discussing all this with Edward, I didn't have nightmares about it. He waited on me hand and foot, and I knew it was his way of trying to gain my trust and try out this whole boyfriend thing to the best of his ability.

I had to admit, I liked it. He focused all his attention on me, opened doors, _tried_ to cook me dinner, and he was overall more considerate.

All the bull that he pulled when we were on a "best friends only" basis was dimmed in comparison when he acted more lovingly. My fears and constant thoughts that we wouldn't work out were suddenly gone.

When he touched me I didn't think of his back, and I didn't think about the night that he left me and walked out through my window. I just thought about how nice it felt and how I'd want it for the rest of my life.

For now I didn't care about the future; the present situation of sitting in his car, holding his hand while we listened to some obscure band on the radio was enough.

* * *

"Jesus, Bella. Calm down! You're gonna hyperventilate!" Jasper yelled.

"I can't. Oh God, I spaced out half way through and then there was only five minutes left and I still had seven problems to go and I had to hand it in!"

"They don't count answers unmarked as wrong, Bella," Alice piped in. "Besides, you've been studying all week. I'm sure you're set."

"Golden," Edward said, pressing the button on his car to unlock the doors.

"I'm just happy it's all over and done with," I sighed. Edward threw an arm around my shoulders and Alice nudged me with her hip before walking off with Jasper to his beat up Mustang.

"Same here. What do you want to do to celebrate?" He wagged his eyebrows.

"Actually, I'm starving." I smiled sheepishly and he laughed at me, but opened the door for me anyway.

"The Lodge or fast food?"

"Fast food, please."

McDonalds, though the drive through line was long, was definitely worth it. Chicken McNuggets and a Big Mac were so heart endangeringly good that I would risk blocked arteries for them.

Edward and I stayed in Port Angeles longer than intended; we walked around and went to different stores, even ending back at that little Italian restaurant he once took me to. I smiled when we entered it; he was obviously trying for flattery on that one.

We spent the day together, like a proper girlfriend and boyfriend; sneaking kisses, holding hands, whispering in each other's ears. All that PDA crap that I'd always hated.

I had to admit, it was nice.

There was no awkwardness, no tense moments when he made a sex joke. There were no painful memories, and I was astounded by the end of the day.

Had we really made it? Was this where we were at?

I'd expected it to take weeks, maybe even months before we were back to this point; but suddenly waiting even a day to laugh and talk and touch him seemed like it would be too long.

When he dropped me off that night, as I looked out of the car window and past the bright orange lights of gas stations, the hypnotic florescence, and the blur of trees, I thought about where we were now.

I loved him.

I knew that. Of course I knew that.

We'd been so… good together. Wouldn't sex ruin that? I made a face at the window before I could help myself.

Even though I hadn't had the best experience, I still knew it was supposed to feel good. I imagined his fingers inside my mind, visions of blinding lights surrounded my eyes and I imagined that magnified by ten.

No wonder he liked it so much.

I crossed my legs and looked over at Edward. His head was kind of jerking along with the music and his eyes were lazily watching the road.

"Are you coming by tomorrow?" I asked.

"Yeah, of course, why wouldn't I?" He looked over at me and gazed down curiously, his hand underneath mine scratching my palm a little.

I shrugged. "I don't know, just wanted to make sure. Charlie won't be back until five tomorrow night."

"Ah." His eyes turned back onto the road, and though he'd been more than jubilant in making jokes and comments about it, I wondered if he was just as worried about taking the next step as I was.

He pulled into the driveway and I caught the gleam of Renee's car in the driveway. The sea foam green made my stomach tense a little, but I think that was because of the car parked beside it. A blue Jetta was half on the driveway and half on the lawn, while Charlie's cruiser was in its regular spot.

"Whose car is that?" Edward asked.

"I… I don't know."

I popped the door open and stepped onto the slick driveway before Edward could ask another question.

My stomach dropped to my feet and I walked over the broken gravel walkway without tripping. My legs led me to the door and I heard people yelling… both of them male.

Charlie and Renee hadn't been alone in a room for a while, and I was suddenly scared for them… what happened to the passiveness? The complacency?

My mouth felt dry and I could feel my gut twisting up in nervousness. Part of my brain wanted me to go in, just to see if things were okay, but another part wanted me to turn away and run. Because I just knew if I went inside that small house where some of my happiest and scariest memories were, I wouldn't think of it the same way again.

Edward grabbed onto my wrist gently and tugged me back into his chest. I looked at the wooden door and I heard another yell, this time a curse, and definitely Renee's voice.

"Bella…" Edward hesitated. "I think we should leave."

I swallowed hard and my voice came out in a whisper. "No, Edward, something's going on… it's been going on for a while."

I glanced at the car and I knew immediately what was going on. My brain had been denying it, trying to make things seem easier and better, but it was so obvious to me now.

I put my hand on the doorknob, turning it easily to find it unlocked.

Charlie was standing up in the living room; Renee was sitting on the loveseat, a drink in her hand that looked like a cocktail. She had one leg crossed over the other and she looked like she'd been crying.

In the middle of the room, face to face with my father, was my mom's lover.

_Family reunion,_ I thought dryly. I looked on at the scene in front of me; Charlie was yelling something at the guy in the middle, and the guy was standing like he didn't care and as soon as Charlie caught his breath he spoke loudly—almost condescendingly.

"She may be your wife, but you obviously don't know how to take care of her."

"The hell I don't!" Charlie yelled.

"Then why is she with me, man?" The guy asked. He looked young, maybe mid twenties, definitely an athlete of some sort.

"You took her away; you just want to break up my family! If Renee wants to go with you, than take her. I don't care anymore!"

I shut the door softly behind me and everyone's head snapped toward where I was standing, Edward's hand firmly in mine.

"Bella!" Renee sang, getting up from her seat. The drink in her hand spilled all over the seat she was in, but she still got up to hug me.

"Mom, you're drunk," I mumbled.

"On love," she smiled at me and pulled me into the living room with her. She stumbled over the Persian rug and pushed me out in front of her—making me lose contact with Edward.

Charlie looked red-faced. His eyes were blood shot and I wondered briefly if they were all drunk. I wouldn't put it past my mother to get him drunk, break hard news to him, and then ultimately get herself all drunk and worked up in the process.

Renee held me in front of her, like I was a cherished doll in her hands. The man I didn't know turned and looked at me, his mouth was still hard and he looked pissed.

Great time for introductions, mom.

"Phil, this is my daughter, Bella! Isn't she cute?" Renee shouted enthusiastically.

_Phil._

So the guy my mom had been doing God knows what with when she wasn't at home was _Phil_.

I looked at him, not scornful or angry, and he looked tired and unpleased. He just looked like a normal guy that didn't know what he was getting himself into when he got here, but he was still here nonetheless.

We didn't shake hands or smile or talk; he just looked at me and I looked at him. A thousand words went through my head, all accusing him of something I didn't know a thing about.

_Home wrecker!_

_Bastard!_

_Cheater!_

Renee stood behind me, giggling in my ear and put her arms around my shoulders to hug me. Charlie was fuming beside Phil.

"Don't bring our daughter into this, Renee!"

"Why not? She's already here and she'll figure it out eventually." Renee whined like a little kid and turned me around to face her.

Her hands went to my face and stroked my cheeks and hair. I felt like a child, back when Gran died and she tried to break it to me in the softest way possible. I swallowed and my jaw started to tremble. Her thumb pressed lightly on my cheekbone and she looked at the men in front of her.

"Daddy and I getting a divorce."

My chest clenched up and I heard my own heart pound in my ears.

I knew it.

I had expected it.

…But it still hurt.

I had expected a lot worse. I thought maybe she'd bring her lover to dinner and he'd be some creep who would offer a threesome, or maybe someone tall, dark and handsome who would take advantage of my flighty mom. But this guy was neither; he was just a normal looking guy who just happened to be destroying my family.

"God, Renee!" Charlie yelled. "How could you tell her like that?"

"Oh stop it; it was your idea to wait this long in the first place. She's eighteen-years-old. She doesn't have to be sheltered."

"Renee, I think we should go…" Phil shuffled over to where my mom was and put a hand on her waist.

"No! You haven't met her friend!" Renee's attention was now directed toward Edward. He gravitated closer to me and latched onto my hand. I squeezed it with all my strength and I could feel my fingernails pierce through his skin.

With a drunken grin she smiled at Edward and stumbled her way over to us. She put her hand on his bicep and tried to unsuccessfully pull him along with her.

"This is Bella's best friend." She grinned at me. "And now he's her boyfriend. They've been together since they were just babies, and Esme—his momma—makes the best stir-fry."

Was this happening?

I half expected Esme to walk through the door like in a bad sitcom with, a dish of stir-fry in hand and say, "You're damn right!" Then the audience would laugh and we'd cut to commercial.

My mouth was hanging open in… shock. Maybe a little disgust, but mostly shock. My drunk mother, her lover, my tipsy dad, my best friend/ boyfriend who I'd just considered sleeping with again, and me, all stood there and no one moved for a good fifteen seconds.

I'm sure it was awkward for Edward, I'm sure it was awkward for Phil, and it sure as hell was confusing to me. I couldn't think, and my mind swirled in a haze of colours and no thoughts; no sounds, just colours.

Renee latched onto Phil's arm and he placed a tentative hand on the top of her head. My throat became thick, and I think it was because I realized that he might really like—maybe even love—my mom, who had been stuck in an unhappy marriage.

My chest stung when I breathed in deeply. Charlie looked completely red-faced; his breathing was laboured and hit teeth were gritted, setting his jaw in a hard placement.

I leaned into Edward's side and I could feel my legs giving out on me. His arm wrapped around my waist and I could feel my eyes rolling back into my head but I couldn't stop myself from blacking out and letting go of my senses.

--

It felt like I was dreaming, like I was in some sort of world where all this messed up stuff called "living" and "life" didn't decide a person's ability to endure.

It was like I was half-awake, just not really ready to get my limbs to cooperate with my brain. I could feel my skin tingling and the nerves trying to work together, but I just felt like I could fall back to sleep and never wake up.

"I thought she was taking it well."

"Well? _Well_? Are you kidding me, Renee?"

"I most certainly am not, Charlie!"

"Would you two stop fighting? This obviously isn't helping anyone!"

Something touched my forehead and I felt it sweep across my cheeks. My eyes were rolling and twitching to open, but I couldn't control any movements in my body.

"Is she going to be okay?"

"Of course she's going to be okay!"

"She looks real sallow…"

"Because she just passed out."

I finally gained control of my nerves and I felt my eyebrows crunch together over my eyes and then I could see a piercing bright light in front of me. Why the hell was it so bright?

"Her pupils are a bit dilated, but she should be alright."

"When will she wake up?"

"Soon, Edward. I wouldn't be surprised if she could hear us now."

I heard a thud and then something was touching the shell of my ear. I could feel warmth whispering down my neck and cheek and then soft words without meaning were coaxed into my ear.

"Bella? Come on, honey. You gotta wake up." The voice whispered. I was tempted to mutter no and turn over, but the only thing I could do was open my eyelids and come face to face the bright light again.

My right hand lifted up and smothered the light out with my palm. I blinked a couple times before I saw Carlisle standing over me with a plastic flashlight in his hand.

He grinned sheepishly at me. "Sorry."

"S'okay," I mumbled.

"Oh, thank Christ!" I looked over to my left and saw Edward kneeling beside me, his eyes closed and his hands clasped tightly around my left hand.

"I'm okay." My voice was hoarse when I spoke, and I could feel my voice cracking as it came out.

"You gave us a scare, kiddo." Charlie was standing over the back of the couch and looking down me, his cheeks a little red and his eyes still bloodshot.

I nodded and looked around the room to see where I was. Renee was sitting on the end of the couch I was lying on and had a margarita in hand. Where was she getting those from?

I didn't see the home wrecker anywhere, but I was instantly glad he wasn't here for a repeat performance. I ran a hand over my face and groaned loudly.

Right.

I had to face reality.

I should have kept sleeping.

"You okay, Hun-bun?" Renee asked. She sat on the cushion by my feet and touched my ankle.

I kind of moved away from her touch and drew my legs to my chest. Mom's soothing touch didn't seem so soothing now that I knew she was getting lovin' on the side. Her mouth twisted up and she made a grumbling sound.

"If everyone's going to treat me like the bad guy I'll just leave."

"W-wait! Where would you go?" I asked. My heart sped up and I regretted asking.

"With Phil." She shrugged like it was obvious. My eyes closed and I couldn't find it in myself to be angry with her.

I had to remind myself that she was drunk; she would never act like this. Never. She would never break my heart with such blatant disregard—no matter how flighty she was.

She walked to the front door and tried to grasp the doorknob several times before she opened it and walked out onto the porch. The car was there already, and through the window I could see a figure in the driver's side waiting for her.

I looked away and screwed my eyes closed.

This isn't happening.

This isn't happening.

I'm dreaming. I didn't wake up last night and this is a horrible dream and I'll hear my alarm clock going off any second now and I'll take a shower and eat and go to school and see Edward, just like every other day.

I grabbed a piece of skin between my thumb and forefinger and pinched as hard as I possibly could.

"Ow!" I shrieked.

"You're not dreaming," Edward sighed beside me. He was still kneeling on the floor. His eyes looked up at me and he smiled sadly.

"I thought not," I mumbled while looking at the cushion with an alcohol stain on it.

"Charlie, can I speak wit you?" Carlisle asked.. I looked up and saw him and my father go into the kitchen slowly.

I looked at Edward next to me and he smiled.

"He's asking Charlie if you can stay over for a while. Just until everything between your parents is dealt with and you don't have to stand in the middle."

"I don't wanna deal with this," I whimpered, my head lolling into Edward's shoulder.

"I know, I know," he whispered. "It'll get better."

I certainly hoped so.

**

* * *

**

A/N: Please, I'm begging you, no one tell me how Renee would never ever do that kind of thing. I know she wouldn't.

I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up, I'm about three fourths of the way done with it, but I'm focusing on a couple other things at the moment. Apparently Labour of Devotion has been nominated for the Eddie's and the Bellie's, so... go vote!

Don't forget to review!


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Oh dear God. If I ever go a month without updating just take away my fanfiction privilages!**

**I'm super sorry.**

* * *

"She can move her things into the guest bedroom next to Edward's."

"Why? She can just stay in my room."

"How do you think her father would feel about that?"

"He wouldn't know,"

"Edward… don't argue with me. She can put her things in the guest bedroom and wherever she chooses to go after that is up to her." Esme scolded. "Just give her the option of space, she's… in shock."

I sighed and stared at the glass door of the microwave, watching the rotating plate of Totinos pizza rolls. I could already feel the heartburn, but the oozing acidic cheese was looking mighty good.

A glob of cheese popped from the centre and I looked away.

"Yeah, I know that," I said, looking towards my mother who was using tongs to toss a neat looking salad.

I looked back at my Totinos and popped the microwave open before the timer could beep. The scent hit my nose and my stomach grumbled.

"Pizza rolls, Edward?" Esme asked incredulously. "You could pick something… classier?"

"When you're upset nothing makes you feel better than downing scorching hot cheese pockets, mom."

She grabbed the ranch dressing and smothered the lettuce with it, throwing in croutons where need be. I grabbed a liter of soda and tucked it under my arm while grabbing my plate of Totinos and the salad bowl.

I walked up the stairs two at a time and moved as quickly as I could to my room. I shut the door with my foot and walked to the bed where Bella was laying, her head held up by her hand and she had the control in the other.

I lay on my stomach beside her and pushed the plate and bowl in front of her. The ranch dressing must have hit her nose because she immediately picked up a fork and speared a crouton.

"You are a Godsend." She sighed.

I put my head on my folded arms and watched her eat the salad. I tried not to make a face when she dipped her pizza bite in the ranch dressing, but, well, how could I not?

We watched some sitcom with bad acting that was on Lifetime. I half expected to see a woman getting hit, every time I flipped past it someone was getting face full of knuckles.

"How are you… coping?" I asked.

"Pretty well, ranch can make problems better." She smiled at me.

No way.

We were gonna talk about our problems for once instead of inferring.

Maybe Carlisle was right, if one of us was on a different frequency this would never work.

"How do you feel?"

"Fine,"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah,"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, Edward, I'm fine,"

I sighed exasperatedly and pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger. I looked over at her, and she looked… _fine_.

"What the hell is going on?" I asked bewildered.

"What do you mean? Nothing's going on,"

"Bella, you passed out, you're parents are getting divorced, and we just met your mom's lover. You don't feel anything?"

"No, why should I?" She asked looking over at me and sitting up on her knees. She pressed her back to the headboard and grabbed onto a pillow, hugging it to her chest.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," I sighed while shaking my head. "You think you can get by me just like that?"

She looked down at the bedspread and shrugged a little. He shoulders slumped and I could finally see it all passing through her and taking shape. She thought she could just avoid it and not talk about for a while, but letting it rot and fester inside her mind wouldn't work out well either.

"Fine, maybe I'm a _little_ upset."

"Uh-huh," I hummed crawling closer to her and sitting in front of her. I raised my eyebrows to signal her to continue.

"Why are you acting like doctor feel-good?" She asked, her wary eyes locking with mine.

"Because couples talk to each other when one of the partners is upset. This is big and you can't just run from it. So, how do you feel?"

She shifted her legs to cross in front of her and then hugged the pillow closer to her chest. Her eyes looked tired and I could see the red starting to come through in her eyes.

She was going to cry.

I swallowed hard and mentally prepared myself.

I had to be receptive, right? I couldn't leave and I couldn't try and avoid making her cry. At least it wasn't me who was making her cry this time.

"I don't know," she said, her eyes looking down. "Sad, I guess. I knew that Charlie and Renee weren't happy, but I didn't think my mom was cheating, and my dad was keeping their divorce from me." She wiped her eye with the back of her hand.

"He was trying to protect you, though. Maybe it wasn't the best thing now, but to him it was."

"I would have rather had them both sit me down and tell me, instead I had to watch my mom, my dad and _Phil_ all stand in the living room—drunk—and fighting. I guess I knew somewhere in my mind that things weren't… right, but I didn't want to admit to it. When Renee wasn't at home she was with that guy instead of being with her family."

I grabbed onto her hand and held it in mine, looking at her wet eyes and wishing I had the right words to say besides, "It'll be alright,"

"No, Edward, it won't be. Every time we take a step forward we go five back." She murmured.

"Wait, what? _We_? What does our relationship have to do with this?" My eyebrows furrowed and she didn't look me in the eye.

"I thought we were getting somewhere, and I can see it with my parents now, that maybe even if we think it's okay, it might not be—"

"Bella, that's bullshit. This is completely different. This isn't about us; it's about your parents. We're not like that. We have more than Charlie and Renee had. We aren't solely physical and we have to restrictions holding us back."

"Nice to know you think I was a restriction." She laughed dryly.

"It's not that, Bella, stop. We're young; we don't have to decide what to do with our lives right now because there's nothing holding us back. I mean, look at my parents, they're like the epitome of a happy married couple."

"Yeah, but my parents—"

"It could happen to anyone. Let's look at it that way instead, okay? Any couple can be miserable, and any couple can be happy. It all depends on the path you take; different paths lead to different outcomes."

"Edward—"

"No, no more talking about this. That won't be us, it won't be. I won't _let _it be."

"You can't decide that." She mumbled gravely.

"The hell I can't." I shouted back indignantly.

Several seconds of silence followed after my last sentence. The words hung in the air thickly and ran around me violently. Bella swallowed and looked up at me."

"Fine," she said. "Let's not talk about it anymore."

--

Winter break did not go how I wanted it to. The first day was fine until the night. But the second day was unbearable, and everything after it was like we had just met.

It was horrible.

I got Bella to speak, she was open to talking. I wondered if I ended up sacrificing part of our relationship by bringing in "talking". I only prayed it wasn't sex.

Charlie called every night at nine and Renee hadn't contacted Bella besides a call the second night of her stay. Renee ended up crying over the phone and telling her how sorry she was. They were on the phone for a good three hours before Bella came out with red rimmed eyes and a pink nose.

Charlie had taken out a prenuptial agreement a few years ago when their marriage started to go south, which Renee wasn't all too happy about.

Turned out Phil was a minour league ball player and didn't make that much money on his own. She was living with Phil at his one bedroom, one bath apartment in Port Angeles. I guess it was then that Bella and I figured out that Renee just _had_ to love him if she was living there.

Bella had been spilling her guts to me. Her parents weren't happy, and Charlie knew Renee had a lover, but bringing him over set him off. Renee vowed never to drink again and had apologized about a hundred times for the other night.

The worst part was that Bella told me she'd been thinking about sleeping with me again.

That one killed me.

I'd been dry for a long time, it was getting to the point where I'd wake up from humping my mattress—Bella soundly asleep beside me.

Having Bella over was like a big fun sleepover, except for the part where I would be panting quietly in the shower while she brushed her teeth and hair. Masturbation had become embarrassingly needed.

At this rate she'd have another period before we could do anything.

We were sitting downstairs in the kitchen, the snowplows echoing down the road and the snow falling a bit. Bella was doing a crossword puzzle and I was eating cereal.

"We're going out this weekend." I blurted.

"Huh? Why?"

"Because we've been in this house for four days now. Break's almost over and we haven't done anything. I made plans for us and I intend to keep them."

"You made plans?" She asked, her eyes got all big and the brown pierced through brightly. I couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah," I grinned. "Seattle's got the mountains set for skiing—"

"No." Her mouth turned down and she grimaced.

"Oh come on, it won't be like last time. I'll be right by you this time."

"No, the last time we went you ditched me and I fell on my face in front of the instructor." Her mouth set in a hard line and her eyebrows pulled down.

I clenched the right side of my jaw and slowly tried to undo it.

"I won't leave you this time. We won't have an instructor, and you can practice all you'd like before we go out to the slopes."

"No!"

"Yes. Jesus, we've been stuck in this house for days and you may not care but I want to get some fresh air and, you know, maybe go out with my _girlfriend_."

Her cheeks flushed and she looked down at the table. My anger somewhat diminished at the shy mannerisms. I reached across the table and grabbed onto her hand and held it up to my lips. She looked up and her blush spread to her neck and collarbone.

"What?" I asked.

"It's just… different." She murmured. "I'm not used to it yet."

I nodded my head a bit, dropping her hand from my lips but not letting it go. She nodded back at me, and it was in admission to get out from this house where her problems and worries were festering.

--

"Oh God, this—this is a mistake." Bella gasped.

"No it's not, just one foot ahead of the other. There, like that, now move forward." I ordered.

She put her foot forward, somehow it moved forward at a rapid pace and she fell on her ass.

She groaned loudly and threw her hand to the skis attached to her feet. Her fingers worked at the buckles and locks.

Unfortunately for me I couldn't stop laughing.

I heard the sound of metal falling to the ground and when I looked up I saw Bella standing in front of me—fuming.

She put her arms out, her palms hitting my chest, and pushed as hard as she could. Before I could register what just happened I was on my ass in the cold, wet snow. I could feel a stick poking at my ass cheek and I rolled to my side so as to dig it out.

"Ha!" She laughed, her hands on her hips and she grinned at me.

Hell no.

I grabbed her ankle and pulled her down on top of me and she squealed like a pig that was being hogtied. Her arms flailed out as she fell and she tried to push herself off of me.

Before she could wiggle out I grabbed a fistful of snow and stuck it down the back of her pants.

Her back arched, her head went back and her legs that were straddled over me shook violently.

Great.

I shifted my hips and laid flat on my back, thinking only about my grandma swimming laps in a pool.

"You're a dick!"

Huh, you just figured that out?

Oh, maybe that was a reference to what was straining up to her.

She stuck a hand down her pants and started to pull wads of snow from her ass crack while I watched.

Ung, it was good.

I snapped my eyes closed and my hands went to her hips. Bella stopped moving and I was half tempted to look up at her. My fingers closed tighter around her hips.

And she _sat_ on me.

My jaw trembled and I opened my eyes. She was staring at me, her lower lip between her teeth and her cheeks flushed.

The heat was suddenly stifling and I could feel her directly on top of me. Shit, it felt so good.

Bella leaned down, her tits brushed over my chest, and even through the thick material of our jackets I could imagine her nipples hard and pressed against me.

Her lips touched my jaw gently and she kept moving them. My cheekbone, my forehead and then she pressed them against my ear. I could hear her breathing, heavy and steady. I swallowed hard and my eyes closed.

"Edward," she whispered. Her voice was husky and I could smell her breath. "Look what you did… my panties are all wet."

I couldn't stifle the moan that left my lips and I grabbed onto her hips tighter. I pushed them down into me and I heard her whimper a little.

In an instant she was pushing herself off of me and stumbling to her feet.

"What the hell?" I shouted.

She turned around and stuck out her tongue before picking up her skis and walking back inside the lodge.

I fell onto my back and I smacked a snow pile away from me.

_Think about something else!_

I went through images of my grandma's mouth and the yellow, decayed teeth that smelled like piss and cigarettes. My shoulder after I dug my nails through it, Carlisle and Esme having sex…

That did it.

Well, that and a mixture of Lauren Mallory's sex face.

I walked back inside, a slight limp, but walked nonetheless. I found her inside sitting on one of the long couches, a cup of something steaming in her hand and watching the television.

I came up behind her, my shoes squeaking a bit and grabbed onto her shoulders. She jumped up and I heard the sound of her drink hitting the lid.

Oh, should'a thought of that before.

"Don't do that!" She yelled.

I hopped over the back of the couch and sat on the cushion beside her. My left arm wrapped around her shoulders and she kind of sank into me.

"Prank for prank my dear." I grinned.

She rolled her eyes. "I got you good, though."

"I've got to admit, you did." I paused. "But don't do it again."

She only grinned at me and I ducked down to kiss her. I nearly groaned at the soft pillowy feel and her hands immediately went to my hair.

Maybe this trip was better than I thought it would be. Not only did I get to laugh my ass off watching Bella fall, but she also seemed to be enjoying herself. It was nice to see her smile—like before—without having to acknowledge something that didn't have to be _now_.

I sighed out loud against her lips, realizing that it was usually her that made those sounds, but it was just fine with me. Her hand slipped down my neck and across my chest, touching every muscle she could through my shirt. Her hand hit my naval and I let out a ragged breath.

"Cullen!"

Fuck.

_Fuck!_

I hissed through my teeth when Bella pulled away.

What a time.

Nice job Bella Boy, cool hat.

I walked to the front desk and snatched the key from the monkey's hand and threw an arm around Bella while I was at it. I wasn't giving my girl to a middle-schooler in a red velvet tux.

I threw Bella and my bag over my shoulder and stepped into the elevator. She was laughing at me, trying to cover her mouth with her hand. The trip to the sixth floor never seemed so long in my entire life.

The bell chimed loudly and when the doors opened a freshly primped red and gold carpet awaited us. It was soft and cushy beneath my feet and I had the urge to just pull off my shoes and walk the rest of the way.

"Room six-oh-one," Bella said, her eyes scanning along the doors.

We passed a vending machine and an ice maker and when we turned down the hallway six-oh-one was staring us in the face. Bella enthusiastically grabbed the card key from my hand and slipped it in before throwing the door open.

She gasped and her face fell quickly.

"What did you _do_?" she whispered.

"What?" I side-stepped her and walked into the suite, setting her luggage down and falling back onto the bed.

"This is… ridiculous," she muttered. "I refuse to stay in this room, Edward."

"Why not? It's already been paid for, it was Esme's gift." I leaned up on my elbows and watched her in the doorway. Her cheeks were red and she was frowning while her wide eyes scoped out the room. "You don't like it?"

"No, I do—but, it's just too much for three days." Her eyes told me otherwise.

"Why can't you just enjoy it?" I sighed.

Her mouth went in a straight line, and she put her hands on her hips indignantly, but she didn't say anything. Her eyes looked around, and then darted to the light that was streaming from in between the sepia hanging curtains that shielded off the balcony.

Bella walked to across the room and gently swept back the curtains, and her mouth lifted a bit.

"Just because of the view," she sighed. "I guess we can stay in this room."

I jumped up off the bed and tried not to skip to where she was standing. My hands wrapped around her waist and I pulled her back, looking at the imperial white mounds that littered the view in front of us.

"We should get ready." I murmured into her hair.

"For what?" she sighed, her head lolling back.

"Dinner… and afterwards… there's a heated pool a floor below this one." I grinned.

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**A/N: Tadan! This series is almost over. :( The next chapter or the chapter after should be the last, an epilogue, and then, awwww.**

**If you're looking for something else to read I have a failry new story up Memento Mori, a bit of the same concept in the smut department, but the plot is my favourite so far. :)**

**Don't forget to review!**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Hasn't been an exact month, but it was bad enough I know.**

**This chapter got done because of the band Thrice and the song Image of the Invisible, it has nothing to do with the chapter, but when I listened to it the song just seemed to fit.**

**I'm going away for Easter and won't be back until Tuesday, so just a reminder that I won't be updating any stories during that time.**

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I stretched my arms over my head and tried to remain as ladylike manners as possible. But how could I with a belly full of steak and cauliflower?

Dinner had been amazing, I tried out wines that went with every piece of food and when the waiter left Edward and I would snicker and argue over whether or not he was wearing eyeliner.

By ten we were out of the restaurant that was on the bottom floor of the hotel we were staying in— and slightly tipsy.

I stumbled over my feet before I got on the elevator and Edward caught me with a chuckle.

"Let's get changed," he said, pressing the button for our floor.

"We can't go swimming," I giggled.

"Why not?" He looked offended by this, like I slapped his face with a glove and challenged him to a duel.

"We just ate our weight in fine cuisine and we've had too much to drink."

"_You've_ had too much to drink, Miss Swan. I remember someone complimenting how the wine was just so amazing with the lamb."

"It was," I laughed.

The elevator chimed loudly and the large metal doors slid open. Edward and I walked to the room and went immediately to the luggage on the floor. Eeven if we were bloated and stuffed and just a _bit _drunk, neither of us was about to waste a moment in the pool. I'd been thinking about it since he'd announced that we were coming here that day in the kitchen.

I'd been depressed and upset, but he had reminded that we _were not_ my parents and that we could have a working relationship. I already knew there were only two possible results for this—up in flames or happily ever after. There was no in-between, no happy medium.

If I couldn't get myself to trust Edward again then we wouldn't work; it would be a failure from the start. But if I could overcome it, if we could just _do_ this…

I grabbed the bikini from the bottom of my bag and for once I wished I had a stringy, flimsy little bathing suit. I didn't dwell on it and went into the bathroom to put it on and straighten out my hair from the unruly mess it had slowly developed into.

The protection of my drunken haze was lifting slowly with the adrenaline and anxiety pumping through my system. I pulled on an oversized t-shirt and walked out the bathroom to find Edward by the door with two towels on his shoulders and grinning at me.

"Ready to go?" He asked.

_No._ "Uh-huh."

We walked down the hall hand-in-hand but the atmosphere seemed to be changed around us. The happy fun that was only minutes ago was gone and replaced by a nervous air.

I shouldn't have been nervous, that was the last thing I should have been. I mean, I obviously wouldn't let anything happen in a pool. There was probably gunk floating around from the last couple who had a little fun in there.

I guess we just needed a place that was safe to talk—without a bed.

The pool area was completely empty. I wasn't surprised, considering it was two in the morning, but it just seemed to set things up a little more. Everything was falling into place and even if the universe was ready to let it happen, I just wasn't sure….

Edward dropped the towels onto a chair before pulling his shirt over his head. His eyes looked into mine and he was reassuring me, telling me to trust him.

So I did. I breathed in deeply and threw my shirt off before I tugged him into the pool with me. I had him sit on one of the steps and then I sat on his lap.

There was a slightly tense moment when I sat down, right there, directly on him. We could both feel it, that pure unadulterated lust that had been hanging there between us. I never doubted it was there, I kept it on my mind constantly—it was the thing that got us into this situation.

He sucked in a sharp breath behind me and I didn't want him to suffer anymore with the restraint. Whether I liked it or not this was going to happen and I needed to get through this hump. I needed to know he was here and that this could—_had_—to work. Because I loved him.

I turned around in his lap and straddled him fully. Our groins were pressed tightly together and my chest was against his, but my eyes were watching his closed lids flutter, his taught jaw flex.

"It's okay," I murmured.

"Bella…"

"No, it really is." I shocked myself with how truthful it sounded. My voice didn't quiver like it did in the past or even crack in the slightest.

One of his green eyes peeped out from behind his lashes. He looked at me for a moment before both eyes opened and he cocked his head a bit.

I think that was the moment I realized just how deep we really were. The lust was there, it always would be, but I'd never even thought for a moment that the lust could be used as anything other than a vice for hurt. What if that lust just enhanced things for us? What if lust and love weren't really separate ideas? What if they could be used in the same scenario, because it didn't matter if someone lusted over their love?

Edward had already shown me that he loved me; he had put every one of his own needs aside just so he could _show_ me how much he cared.

I sucked in a deep breath and mentally berated myself for just noticing all this. Why was it now that I had this epiphany?

We weren't my parents, we weren't his parents, and we weren't the high school student body; we were Edward and Bella. This was us, as confusing and painful as it had been... this was us.

"I'm in love with you," I marveled.

"Huh?" His brow furrowed and he looked at me like this was obvious.

"No, I mean, I'm _really_ in love with you," I said, and maybe to me there was only a distinction. "I'm head over heels and everything, Edward!"

"I love you, too," he smiled. "Glad you finally get to join the club. I've been waiting."

I leaned forward and kissed him hard and long. This kiss wasn't gentle cuddly affection; this was hard and animalistic, because I was going to use all this pent up frustration and lust to show him exactly how much I loved him.

My arms wrapped around his neck and I pulled him as close as I possibly could. My tongue was inside of his mouth, touching every tooth and his tongue. I could care less about the slobber leaving our mouths or that we probably looked like dogs in heat—or at least I did.

If there was ever a kiss that could bring someone to orgasm on the spot, this would be it... and not only because I was grinding into his waist.

There was teeth, tongue, lips, saliva, breath, jaws, and what I'm pretty sure was his uvula involved in this kiss. I just wanted to be swallowed by him. I wanted him to eat me and keep me with him just so we could never be apart.

This heart crushing love and stomach twisting realization brought tears to my eyes and kissed him harder and harder until our breathing was loud through our noses. I was pretty sure one of us would pass out.

Ten minutes later hands started to wander and groping ensued. This wasn't the average gentle gliding and caressing; this was rough, worshiping, loving groping and pinching.

Even though we would appear to be horny teenagers groping in a pool, no one else could feel the tears. No one else would know that we were sitting her crying because that's just how perfect we were for each other. This was us, crying actual tears of joy because we had _finally _found peace and solace out of this confusing situation and this confusing relationship.

We were so beautiful in that moment with our violent, intense kissing and rough, symbolic groping. Every muscle under his hands sang to me and begged for more. My body was a beacon, gleaming and desperately calling him in.

"Now," I barely panted against his mouth. He heard it and he didn't hesitate one second to wrap my legs around his waist and pick me up from the pool.

The towels on the chair and our shirts were completely forgotten as he carried us to the elevator and clicked our floor. My back was pressed to the cold wall in an instant and I arched against his chest. My nipples went hard quickly and I threw my head backwards, breaking contact for the first time.

Edward's mouth was against my neck in an instant, sucking and biting the skin there. His hands kneaded my ass and his hips bucked directly into me. The thin material of my bikini bottoms and his trunks couldn't shield the intense heat between us.

The elevator doors opened but Edward didn't move from his spot. His hips kept rolling into me over and over, pounding through the fabric of our clothing. The friction—Oh God, the friction. I couldn't stop the loud nonsensical noises from slipping out. One hand came up and tugged my top over my head but his chest pressed against mine again before my breasts could meet the air. He threw my top over the security camera next to us.

I tugged on his hair and pulled his face back to mine. His lips were all over me again, panting my name over and over again in his raspy, breathless voice. His hands grabbed my ass tighter and changed his angle a bit so he was thrusting upward. He kept hitting my clit in precise rhythm and then he sped up and went harder. My whole body grew boiling lava hot and my head fell back into the wall with a loud cry of his name.

My mind screamed out dirty, filthy words while my mouth kept making short and loud noises that he was trying to cover up with his mouth while the elevator was switching floors.When the elevator doors closed again I screamed his name and prayed the metal was thick enough for no one to hear. I wondered if I would even stop; I didn't think I had to will to pull away, not when he was making delicious little noises from the back of his throat and pounding into me.

My whole body shook and spasmed with each thrust as he kept rubbing my clit to an unbearable degree.

"Oh—oh… God, I'm… I'm…"

"Cum, baby…. Cum." He forced his hips harder until our pelvises were slamming together.

My whole body was on fire and my eyes snapped closed while my mouth opened wide in a silent scream. My legs shook around him intensely and I bucked into him until I just couldn't move anymore.

"Fucking elevator," he panted and slammed his palm against a number. The doors opened and he didn't bother with my top still covering the camera.

The card key was in his hand the next moment. He was trying to dry it off and get it to work while I laughed and kissed his neck, slowly becoming worked up in anticipation for more.

The door finally clicked open and before I could register anything else—even if the door was closed—I was on the bed and Edward was on top of me. Hands and nails were everywhere, biting and touching every piece of skin that was available. He palmed my breasts and I wasted no time kicking down his swim trunks and watching that full, hard and long erection standing up at me and begging to be touched.

I pushed him back to lay down on his back while I licked and sucked at his chest. It was animalistic, but I felt like a nymph; a little unknown whore who was no needy and horny for him. I just wanted him right now. Unhidden lust controlled my body and wanted every part on him in me and around me. I liked this more than I ever thought I would... but this was acceptance. I wanted him, I loved him, and I was his.

I bit his nipple and his hips threw themselves into me, hitting my stomach and continuing to grind for friction. I wasted no more time as I grabbed him in my hand and let him fuck it as he pleased.

His body writhed underneath me and he kept roaring and screaming for more, to go faster and to grab tighter. He screamed my name and I sank between his legs until he was in my throat. His whole body jerked and tightened. Before I could do anything more than suck the head and pump a couple of he came violently down my throat.

I swallowed every drop. Even when he was done I kept licking and pulling him into my mouth just to have more of him. I nipped at his sac and kissed his inner thighs until he sat up and grabbed the back of my head. He kissed me just like before and if possible, even rougher.

"Your mouth," he growled, "is a miracle."

Edward pushed me back held my hands above my head with one of his. The other pinched each of my nipples before running down my stomach. He hooked his finger in my bottoms and pulled them off of my legs.

My legs were up in the air with his hands on my thighs, pulling them apart. His eyes met mine for a moment, all dark and glazed over. His tongue snaked out and slowly moved up my clit. My breath caught in my throat and my eyes closed.

His tongue moved down and then plunged into me, separating the wet muscle and diving in without any hesitation. His hands slid down my thighs slowly, telling me to keep them spread, and his fingers spread my lower lips open wider to allow his tongue to go deeper.

Edward's talented fingers were in me now to replace his tongue, which was now lapping at my clit. His middle finger pumped fast and hard inside me and another finger wiggled its way inside. I bit my lip at the stretching feeling and whimpered a little in pain.

_It's worth it,_ I thought.

Edward didn't linger long. He crawled his way up my body, leaving me starved for more of him, everything he had to offer. I pulled his mouth to mine, not caring about where his mouth just was if he didn't care about mine before. Our tongues touched and twisted together in beautiful synchrony.

"I fucking love you… God, I really love you," he breathed.

I smiled at him and placed my hands on either side of his face. "I love you, Edward."

Our foreheads touched and I felt his hands guiding himself into me. The head slipped in easily. Then he started to push in slowly, inch by inch. I moved a hand from his face and tried to somehow rub out the pain. I sucked in a sharp breath when he stopped.

"Are… are you in?" I whispered.

"Not all the way, but this is good." I nodded and his lips touched mine again before he slowly moved in and then out again.

My eyes stayed open with effort. His eyes were hooded and I could tell he was fighting not to just let go and push deeper and harder. I breathed out a shaky breath and he looked at me with dark green eyes.

"Bella," he moaned. I moved my hips upward to stop the slight friction and he gasped loudly.

"Sorry," I said.

"God, don't be. That feels amazing." I realized then that as much as I was hurting and feeling pain, Edward was feeling ecstasy and trying to restrain it.

"You can go faster," I told him.

"I can't hurt you, Bella," he breathed desperately.

"You won't." He hesitated but sped up just a bit. My body shook a bit but not in pain this time.

He held a steady pace and soon the friction stopped hurting. My inner muscles kept clamping down on him and he would groan and gasp periodically. It wasn't like the first time with pure pain and nothing in between... this time it was slick and pleasurable.

"Faster," I breathed.

He looked at me skeptically but I moaned and arched my back into him. Edward's pace sped up and I felt his pelvic bone hit me. He finally started to go all the way in and a bit harder.

"Edward," I cried.

"I'm close," he groaned.

One of his fingers slid to my clit and started to rub it up and down, pressing on the underside and moving his hand faster. My body arched and rocked and for the first time I felt like I could cum with him inside of me like this.

My mouth latched onto his and I cried again and again while he pumped faster. I felt myself get lost in a world of sensation. My stomach tightened up and my whole body clenched up before I felt a brilliant rush, and I was gone.

My ears rang and my vision became hazy but I heard Edward moaning my name as his release left him. His chest touched mine as he collapsed and he muttered "Oh my God, Oh my God," into my neck.

I breathed in a sigh and smiled. My fingers combed through Edward's hair and I listened to our mingled heavy breathing.

_We did it, _I thought with giddy satusfaction. We did, we actually did it, and I couldn't think of anything better in this world than doing that with Edward.

"I love you," I said, and again I marveled at how right it sounded.

"I'm so in love with you," he breathed. "So fucking gone."

I laughed, high on life at the moment, and closed my eyes, feeling sleep coming over me. I waited patiently for it to come, wondering what my dreams would tell me... probably what I already I knew to be true.

* * *

**A/N: I think this is my best lemon, I go by how I feel while writing it, and this one, well, this tops any other one. I was flushed by the time I finished.**

**And I think this is the best makeout scene ever. :D**

**Don't forget to review!**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: This Friday, the 8th of May, marks the ending of Cultivating Youth Subsistences, which took me way too long to complete, but was worth every second that I put into it.**

**Thanks to Kitschisme as always for being an awesome Beta and lovely friend. And of course Mary and Sarah who always supply me with lively conversation. All my lovely reviewers who made my head spin with their kind words and incredible ideas. Also, the anonymous reviewers who I would love to hug and get them an account.**

**The song for this is _Superstar_ by Sonic Youth. Very eerie and beautiful.**

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**Three years later.**

* * *

Since that night Bella and I had spent in the hotel, and then proceeded to stay for another extended week, things between us had changed; changed in ways that were both good and bad.

We fought… a lot.

I tried to do the whole therapy thing and come up with some valid excuse that would placate our almost violent fights. But hell, we were a teenage couple. And according to almost everyone, our fights were pretty tame. They weren't on the receiving end of them, though.

My weak excuse was that we were best friends, and maintaining that _along_ with a romantic relationship... kind of pushed certain expectations out of the way.

We were more like a married couple at this point.

We would fight about the most unbelievable things - college, for example. I had every intention to go to Seattle, she had every intention of going to Seattle, so what was the big deal? Oh, she thought we'd be spending too much time together and then we'd end up arguing all the time.

Needless to say, we both went to Seattle. We both had our respective majors, a job, and a dorm across from campus since coed was already too full.

Things weren't all bad. Far from it, in fact.

Fights sucked, but they were pretty rare. Bella and I spent every waking moment together. Like before, we were attached at the hip. But now we were also attached at the heart.

Fast forward through all the stupid high school drama that had Bella crying and suspended for two days for punching some poor unnamed girl who completely deserved it. S'not like Lauren didn't see it coming or anything….

Fast forward through the lame graduation ceremony that Esme memorialized on the fireplace in the living room. Neon yellow graduation gowns aren't very fashion forward.

Fast forward through all the tears that my mom and Bella's mom shed when their kids were leaving for college, even though we were two and half, maybe two on a good day, hours away.

And once all that fast forwarding gets done, there's the present... and the present is phenomenal.

Phenomenal except for the raging butterflies that have been clawing at my ribs and stomach and consuming my lungs for the last four hours.

Physics 101 isn't the epitome of a great time.

Sophomore year of college was almost done, and nearly everyone was just too antsy to sit through another boring lecture from the same textbook we'd been using all year.

Yeah, I was almost a junior, another step closer to being a college grad and carrying that title under my belt. But that's not why I was so anxious and sweating like a pig. My shirt was probably completely soaked through.

_Three more fucking minutes and he can't let out class? This is so stupid. Oh God, I'm so stupid. _

I dug my nails into my wrist for the fiftieth time in the last two hours. My right hand was buried in my pocket and gripping the stupid fucking little velvet box that was starting to sear my palm.

_Do it, do it, do it…_

"I guess class is done then—" Professor Willkie didn't have time to finish as I shot of the room and sprinted down the hall.

My feet were cement under me and when the sun hit my face as I left the building I broke out into a cold sweat.

"Jesus Christ," I muttered and took off across campus down to where my dorm was. God knows I needed a change of clothing.

The stairs flew under my heavy legs, pulling me closer to my destination. The keys in my fingers jingled and clattered to the floor a couple times before I _finally_ jammed it in and pushed the door open.

My breath caught at the scene inside, exactly the same as I had left it.

Once I had the oxygen back in my lungs I started to pant. _Aw, fuck, man! What's gotten into you? _

I grabbed a grey shirt from the floor in the corner and removed my nasty one. I left my jeans because my hand wasn't coming out.

Working up my nerves, I turned to the bed. Besides the rush of blood to my pelvis, there was nothing too abnormal about my body functions. Sweating cut off, the butterflies stopped biting me and my feet, though heavy, moved me forward without thought.

I guess Bella could just do that to me.

She was still in my bed, back turned to the wall and her hair a horrible mess around my pillow. Her lips were puffy and a little wet, and her eyelids were still but twitched every once in a while.

I crouched down silently beside the bed, watching the pale skin of her throat expand with each relaxed breath. God, she was just so beautiful right then, and it wasn't like we were going anywhere for the rest the day anyway.

I crawled into my bed and kicked off my jeans finally, hand firmly wrapped around the hot velvet. When I pushed a hand under her hip to pull her closer she groaned and opened an eye.

"Hey," I whispered.

"What?" she mumbled and pushed some of her hair from her eyes.

I laughed a little. "Nothing, go back to sleep."

"I was planning on it." Her eyes closed and she rolled closer to me.

"I love you," I said.

"You, too…"

Within five minutes she was snoring lightly and her body was limp in my arms. Maybe she wasn't graceful or perfect, but she was smart, beautiful, articulate and all I could ever want in a girl. In a woman.

My hand finally let go of its death grip and opened the box.

Inside was a small diamond ring that I had saved for seven months to get. It probably wasn't big on regular standards, but the diamonds weren't what attracted me to the ring.

The diamonds were framed around a bright blue sapphire that was polished and glimmering with all the majestic wonder it could conjure up. Good job little guy.

I pried Bella's hand from my shirt and slid the ring on to see if I was competent enough to the get the ring size right, and when it slipped on easily without looking too loose I sighed out a big breath.

Just when I was taking it off, Bella retracted her hand back and brought it to her throat. And it just looked so… perfect.

All the elaborate plans I had for dinner tonight went out the window and I decided I'd ask her when she woke up.

Ask her to be mine, for forever and onwards.

"You make me crazy," I mumbled into her hair. "You make me crazy and I love you for it."

I drifted off soon afterwards, and I knew when I woke up there would probably be no going back. And for the first time maybe ever, that didn't bother me at all. I was more than willing and ready to take the final plunge.


End file.
